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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in sending out invitations to a birthday party that are really wedding invitations?

103 replies

bouncychair · 02/05/2013 22:01

DP and I have been engaged a while. He has a big birthday coming up later in the year and we've been thinking about planning a fake surprise party for him which will actually be our wedding day. If we go ahead it will be a church wedding followed by a big party in a field with a marquee.

I really don't want turn into a bridezilla and spend the next 6 months talking to everyone about wedding planning. The only person we would tell is my mum because I'm her only daughter and she is really exicited about helping me plan my wedding.

My only concern is that people might not make as much effort for a birthday as they might for a wedding and say that they can't make it. DP's argument is that if they aren't going to make an effort for his birthday then why should we invite them to our wedding?

So would IBU sending out invites for a surprise party when it's really a wedding?

OP posts:
ThisIsMummyPig · 03/05/2013 00:43

I missed a friends wedding over this. I was told it was a christening. We had two small children, they lived 3 hours away, and we were on holiday the week before. It just wasn't practical to go down, so we didn't. Had I known it was a wedding I would have extended the holiday and gone straight on, or come back a day early to give us a rest before we went.

People are just a lot more willing to make an effort for a wedding than they are for anything else.

HollyMadison · 03/05/2013 00:46

Friends of mine did something similar and some of my other friends were a bit miffed as they chose not to go (couldn't travel and chose to wait for the wedding they thought would happen at a later date). Congratulations though.

CoolStoryBro · 03/05/2013 01:13

M10s I welled up reading that!!

I think it's a lovely idea and to all those saying, "I wouldn't like to be a guest at that kind of wedding", its not about you (generic you!). It's about the couple who are getting married.

CoolStoryBro · 03/05/2013 01:16

And I would expect my closest friends and family (who I presume are the people being invited) to make my 30th/40th etc. Birthdays do happen every year, but the big numbers are reason as any to celebrate IMHO.

Alligatorpie · 03/05/2013 03:24

I love the idea, but as others said, you should be aware that some people won't come as they have other commitments, don't want to pay for a babysitter etc.

MusicalEndorphins · 03/05/2013 04:18

I think it is a sweet idea and I would love it. It is a great way to escape all the wedding stress, hen nights and stags and all that. Like eloping with all of your close friends and loved ones with you.

The magical mystery tour idea was great, and so were the handing out of gifts. You could give bubbles and wands, or birdseed if confetti isn't allowed on the field beside the church.

FarBetterNow · 03/05/2013 06:53

I think it is bridezella to do this.

Not quite sure what the point of it is.

I know someone who did this.
Her best friend who lived 250 miles away didn't go as it was midweek and she had three small children.

Lots of people turn up late to parties, but would never turn up late to a wedding.

Be prepared for it to annoy people and for it not going to plan.

Fraggle3112 · 03/05/2013 07:45

I think it's lovely. My wedding was amazing complete fairy tale stuff but the 6 months previous to it were literally the most stressful I have ever had!
IMO it doesn't really matter how guests feel its not about them and they should be happy for you on your day. If any one really close couldn't come and i wanted them there I would just drop massive hints and they will click on but hopefully not ruin the surprise for others.
Our close friends done something similar and the boys were upset about the stag do so they had one any how just after the wedding (rugby players so incorporated it into the rugby tour) which gave us a fab excuse to take ourselves off to ladies day at the races for the hen!
Best of luck with your planning and let us know how it goes!! :)

Oodsigma · 03/05/2013 08:55

I'd love to attend and have cried at all the stories on the thread Blush

OddBoots · 03/05/2013 09:03

I think the one think I have learned from MN is that when it comes to weddings there will always be people who hate any idea you could come up with, even the most uncontroversial idea always has detractors. If you like it then go for it. :)

Justforlaughs · 03/05/2013 09:04

Go for it, and tell everyone you would like to take him away to celebrate his BIG birthday so money gifts please Wink

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform · 03/05/2013 09:05

We did this!

We had been engaged for 9 months and were at breaking point due to Mumzilla so decided to change our plans. I had a big birthday coming up and my confirmation and we decided to combine the confirmation/birthday with our wedding. A few people knew (such as my sister who lives overseas) but for 90% of the guests it was a surprise.

A fair few people couldn't make it when we told them it was a birthday celebration, and we decided not to tell them what it actually was so they'd change their minds as it wouldn't be fair on the other guests. I'm a bit sad that they didn't make it but other people did change plans so they could attend my confirmation/birthday party so I knew the people who did make it were really special.

Our poor guests sat through over 2 hours in the cathedral and when we left we walked them up towards our church towards "lunch" then had to nip in to pick up the rector as he'd had to "rush back and change" - fortunately it was raining so everyone went inside - where we announced there would be a small delay before lunch because we were getting married. I have a wonderful photo of everyone's faces as we made the announcement.

Our drinks reception (on a London bus, classily drinking champagne from little bottles) was the noisiest I've ever been to. It was marvellous!

I wouldn't change it for the world. Whilst it wasn't the wedding I would have chosen initially it was so much fun, and a story we're still dining out on to this day (nearly five years later). Some people were a bit funny about not being in on the secret, but you get that with weddings anyway so it's water off a duck's back to me. I do think it was a little bit tacky, but it was such fun it makes it tacky in a good way.

Go for it, bouncychair - you'll have a wonderful day and some wonderful stories.

Geeklover · 03/05/2013 09:09

Me and xh did something similar. We told people before it though but only just.
We had a tiny wedding just parents and siblings and a coupke of closest friends. Was xh 30th and we had told people we were planning a party at the house for his birthday some wry one was free.
About a week before we decided to tell our mums the plan so they could get a bit excited.
It was fab. A really relaxed great day.

inchoccyheaven · 03/05/2013 09:11

As someone else has said, it is about you and your groom and if its what you want then do it. You could hint at anyone that you desperately wanted to be there that might be unsure about being able to go but otherwise, just enjoy your day. I want to hear about it when you do :)

DeepRedBetty · 03/05/2013 09:16

The simple way past the issue that some people have raised - that some friends might not want to use precious leave/babysitting favours for a birthday but would for a wedding - is to put a RSVP. You can say that you HAVE to know numbers for the Mystery Tour Bus or similar. If someone you really, really want declines, you ring them and swear them to secrecy on pain of death or something like that Grin. If they're good friends of yours they'll understand and keep schtum, even if the reason for declining was a genuine one and they still can't make it.

FruOla · 03/05/2013 09:19

I think it's a great idea, I'd love to be at a birthday party which turned out to be a wedding.

But I'd be absolutely gutted if I missed a wedding because I'd turned down an invitation to a birthday party.

Having said that, as someone said upthread, 'significant' birthday parties are usually events that you'd go to anyway, unless you had a prior commitment.

Flisspaps · 03/05/2013 09:21

I agree with CoolStoryBro, about people saying 'well, as a guest I wouldn't like it' or wouldn't feel involved - well as a guest I'd LOVE it. But what is important is what the couple who are getting married want, and if they want to do it as a surprise, then that's perfectly good enough reason to do it.

Some people don't want the world and his wife to feel 'involved' or to have an opinion on what colour the invites should be, or argue with their parents over the guest list. Some people just aren't into the whole shopping with the bridesmaids for matching knickers and hairgrips day out with cupcakes and wine thing. Some people are. Some people want to take out a full page announcement in The Times two years in advance, others ask on MN for two witnesses to come and join them at X Register Office as they're getting married in secret. All of these things are OK. All of these things are up to the bride and groom. Whether their guests are going to feel 'cheated', put out, excited, thrilled, scared because they have a phobia of wedding cake shouldn't come into it. All that matters is that they get married, in the way of their choosing.

OP - do whatever makes you and DP happy :)

DeskPlanner · 03/05/2013 09:37

It sounds lovely. BUT I disagree with your dh2b that only people who care about you will make the effort to come. Weddings are once in a life time. birthdays are every year. Be prepared for not everyone being able to make it, then being a bit upset they missed your wedding.

Trill · 03/05/2013 09:40

I like DeepRedBetty's idea of a compulsory RSVP.

I think it's a ovely idea but there are practicalities.

You should of course do whatever will make you and DP happy, but it might be that your happiness would be lessened if someone important to yuo couldn't make it.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 03/05/2013 09:50

Critical question: are you inviting kids? because if not, that's when people will differentiate between a wedding and a bday because there are only so many people you can ask to have kids overnight and only so many times you can ask them.

spanky2 · 03/05/2013 09:58

Your mil could be upset you told your Mum and not her. I am a mother of boys and would feel sad not to know especially as the girl's mum did. I think it's a lovely idea though . what a nice surprise .

Groovee · 03/05/2013 10:12

My step sister did this. She invited everyone to a new year party, then when the guests arrived they were ushered into the garden where my mum had to break it that it was a wedding. Her sister and brother were furious as they weren't invited as she lives elsewhere and only wanted our dad there. Folk loved it but family were miffed as they were not told and no chance to get there.

DeWe · 03/05/2013 10:15

I'm not convinced.

We did a "surprise" birthday party for me that was actually where we announced our engagement.

It was fun in a lot of ways, but several things that people have mentioned happened:
Dh's friends were much less likely to come.
I got lots of presents (even though I'd stated no presents) which embarrassed me.
Some of my friends didn't come due to other committments, and afterwards said they'd have come if they'd known it was a one off. (wasn't a significant birthday)
People did arrive a different times, so we had people coming in and saying "happy birthday" after we'd made the announcement. The other guests found this increasingly funny, which was embarrassing for the people turning up.

As a family we would put priority on going to a wedding that we wouldn't put on going to a birthday. Simply because we have a lot of committments at weekends, which cause issues for other people if we miss. So we'd miss them for a wedding, but not generally for a birthday. Doesn't mean we don't think highly of the person in question, simply, as a family with lots of things going on, we have to make priorities in some ways.

And if you tell your parents, you have to tell his. That could be really hurtful.

ephemeralfairy · 03/05/2013 10:28

I'm sorry, I might be being really thick here but I don't understand why anyone would want to do this...?
I'm not saying that in a judgey way, I just don't get what the benefits would be.
Feel free to enlighten me!

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 03/05/2013 10:29

Its your wedding and you're entitled to do it however you like. I'd say to give guests a little clue that something big will be happening and you'd like them to dress up. Of course they'll probably guess you're getting wed but at least they'll be there to find out if they're correct. Don't worry about upsetting people who might catsbum about being hoodwinked. Their problem not yours. At least you want them there and they are there because they mean something to you. They can see their arse after the event. Good luck! I'd be honoured to be lucky enough to be invited.