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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in sending out invitations to a birthday party that are really wedding invitations?

103 replies

bouncychair · 02/05/2013 22:01

DP and I have been engaged a while. He has a big birthday coming up later in the year and we've been thinking about planning a fake surprise party for him which will actually be our wedding day. If we go ahead it will be a church wedding followed by a big party in a field with a marquee.

I really don't want turn into a bridezilla and spend the next 6 months talking to everyone about wedding planning. The only person we would tell is my mum because I'm her only daughter and she is really exicited about helping me plan my wedding.

My only concern is that people might not make as much effort for a birthday as they might for a wedding and say that they can't make it. DP's argument is that if they aren't going to make an effort for his birthday then why should we invite them to our wedding?

So would IBU sending out invites for a surprise party when it's really a wedding?

OP posts:
TheYamiOfYawn · 02/05/2013 22:40

I think that I missed the housewarming party that Arkady's DH went to because I was working that night. I would have booked a holiday or swapped shifts to go if I'd known. I didn't mind, though. I vaguely remember that some friends were pissed off about it, but I can't remember why.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 02/05/2013 22:41

We went to a "party" that turned out to be a wedding. Was great.

The invites said we must be there by a certain time as there was to be a magical mystery tour (vintage bus to the registry office) and to dress smartly.

We were all given a gift when we got there and the penny dropped when half the guests had a disposable camera and the other half a box of confetti!

Maggie111 · 02/05/2013 22:43

There are birthday parties I wouldn't go to because of something "more important" - but if I knew it was a wedding I would prioritise it even more. Also, I might not travel 350 miles for a birthday party because of the expense.

If it was local we might also consider driving there rather than staying over which I would want to do for a wedding.

If you're planning on a wedding you'll be asking people to arrive at I think the latest you can get married is 3pm - so people might plan on going only for the afternoon, or only turning up late... I know you're hoping to make it a big "surprise" but some people might think if they're late it wont matter.

I actually think it's a great idea but I'm just thinking of some negative points you might want to consider.

I would try and make it a big deal when inviting people, and talk about the preparation and food etc - so that people will take it as a "big deal", even if they think it's not a wedding. (which almost goes against the easy breezy feel you want it to have I know)

jennybeadle · 02/05/2013 22:45

V. soppy tonight because DH is away, and it's been too long, but this is a gorgeous idea. I hope it all does well.

Original poster
bouncychair · 02/05/2013 22:51

Thank you for all the practical responses - these are definitely things I need to consider but I think they can be worked around.

I will keep you updated when appropriate!

OP posts:
maddening · 02/05/2013 22:53

Endoplasm's surprise party is the ideal imo - def one to take inspiration from.

Trill · 02/05/2013 22:57

If people suspect that you might get married soonish, and if they are on a tight budget regarding money or time off work or childcare they may choose to "save" those things for the potential wedding that may come up, rather than "spend" them all now to get to a birthday party.

Your DP is wrong that if someone wouldn't make the effort for a birthday they shouldn't be invited to your wedding - sometimes there is simply a limited amount of effort to go around.

firsttimemama · 02/05/2013 22:57

I wouldn't like this as a guest. I like to be prepared and do not like surprises. I would also feel a bit cheated about not having anticipated the event. And if it were one of my friends I would feel very unenvolved - sorry to be negative but I would rather know that I was going to be attending one of the most important days of my friends lives.

raisah · 02/05/2013 23:00

I wish we planned our wedding like this. Ours was a big family do witj everybody having an opinion on wedding etiquette. It did my head in towards the end & was glad when it was all over.

BikeRunSki · 02/05/2013 23:03

I think DM might be planning this too, for her 70th next month.

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 02/05/2013 23:05

As lovely as I think the idea is, I do agree with posters who have a few misgivings.

I also disagree with the birthday boy that if people won't go to his birthday party that he wouldn't want them at his wedding!

Weddings are once in a lifetime (hopefully!) and birthdays happen to everyone I know every year.

Therefore would I save up annual leave/child care/money for someone's birthday? Probably not as it would set a precedent and I'd have to go to everyone's birthday!

I also can't help the rather grumpy and irrational feeling that I'd feel a bit hoodwinked. It's a bit "we know something you don't know". Just have a wedding!

Congratulations though and sorry if I sound like a grump! Smile

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad · 02/05/2013 23:05

I think it's a brilliant idea and I REALLY wish I'd thought of it!

zipzap · 02/05/2013 23:09

My uncle and aunt did this - only immediate family knew and went to the registry office service and lunch in a nice service afterwards.

They spent the afternoon by themselves, then had a party in the evening. Nobody noticed that the couple were wearing wedding rings until the cake was brought out - somebody joked that it looked like a wedding cake. Cue big smiles and a little speech that started 'Well, actually.... we got married this morning and you're here at our wedding reception...' Then they went away with their dc for a family honeymoon the next day.

Was all very nice!

However, as I was part of the immediate family, I did know in advance and therefore was at the ceremony and lunch. I can't speak for those that found out during the party that they were actually at a wedding party as to what they thought Grin

bonkersLFDT20 · 02/05/2013 23:17

We did similar for our wedding. Had a very small wedding and had invited loads of people to a bar-b-que at our place in the afternoon/evening.

We put up a couple of Just Married balloons on the front door.
Best day of our lives. Everyone was so relaxed.

ImagineJL · 02/05/2013 23:21

I wouldn't like it, I'd feel deceived, as if you were having a laugh at everyone's expense, tricking us into witnessing your "show".

But that's just me, and I presume you know your friends well enough to know how they'd feel.

LemonPeculiarJones · 02/05/2013 23:25

Oh, I'd love to be a guest at a surprise wedding! I love it!

I would cry my eyes out with delight Grin

pregnant and hugely emotional right now

StuntGirl · 02/05/2013 23:28

Actually I'm going to add to my comment from earlier.

I LOVE events. Birthdays, weddings, parties, christenings, everything. I love the anticipation and preparation, I love getting excited about them and I love choosing the gifts and cards. I like the 'formality' of Events, it feels special and out of the ordinary.

However, everyone so far who says they love your idea also love the relaxed, spontaneous aspect to it. I wouldn't. And that's cool, it's just personal preference. So while I would never do this myself and would be a bit Hmm at being a guest at such a wedding, that's only because it doesn't fit my own ideals and values. It sounds like it perfectly fits yours, and that's really all you need to worry about.

And like all weddings, be prepared in advance for the things that don't do to plan. So much like at say, a destination wedding the couple must accept not everyone will be able to make it, you guys have to accept not everyone will be able to make your weding when you haven't even told them it's your wedding! As long as you're as relaxed with those aspects of a surprise wedding then great :)

Pinebarrens · 02/05/2013 23:29

i went to a leaving party which turned out to be a wedding it was brilliant. started with a slideshow of the couple throughout their lives as children then together & the last slide said everyone was invited to the wedding on that date & time.

it was so exciting & lovely when the penny dropped with everyone that the wedding was now!

go for it.

FairPhyllis · 02/05/2013 23:30

Unless you are totally joined at the hip presumably you have some friends who are your friends and wouldn't necessarily come to your DH's birthday party, but would love to come to your wedding. So I think you risk having good friends not turning up and being really upset. Especially if long distances might be involved for some people.

I have to say I really dislike the 'stunt' aspect of this - I feel that weddings are about communities and I bet that all your family and friends would love to support you in the run up to your wedding. By which I don't mean 'support you in being totally bridezilla' but support you emotionally and spiritually and share the fun. You can have a casual, relaxed wedding even if people know about too.

LemonsLimes · 02/05/2013 23:31

I wouldn't do it as there might be someone who isn't able to make the birthday party, but who would gone out of their way to be able to attend a wedding. They might feel upset to have been duped.

greenformica · 02/05/2013 23:31

I'd love it!

Can you just state in the invite that you have arranged a very special celebration and DH would be honored if you were there to share his special day.

BurningBridges · 02/05/2013 23:35

Aw go on go on go on please do it - my friend did this, it was her daughter's naming ceremony so of course she could specify exact time. It was one of the best events I've ever been to and we felt we were part of something incredibly special, and no one was stressed etc - please come back and tell us about it though?

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 02/05/2013 23:48

If I were invited to an adult birthday party which was 4pm till late I would guess- sorry. You only need a few people speculating to make the surprise a damp squib. Also you may get people turning up later to cut babysitting costs etc, esp if prople love locally. I also do think you risk people not coming because they have clashes whereas they'd make an effort to rearrange for a wedding. The planning will be the same under each scenario, and you don't have to be a bridezilla. No one will discuss the wedding if you don't.

M10s · 03/05/2013 00:16

I was the celebrant at a surprise wedding, exactly like this. The Bride and Groom had been together for 20 years and had three children. They told no-one of their plans, but booked a lavish Birthday Party at a hotel, to which they invited all their friends and family.
It was the Bride's 40th birthday and, to make sure that everyone came, the Groom told them that it was to be a surprise birthday party, that all the guests should be seated at tables in the reception ballroom and that he would arrange to 'meet' the Birthday Girl for a special dinner.
When she arrived, he told them, he would get up to the microphone and announce her 'surprise party'.

It happened exactly as they planned. Nearly 100 guests were in place at tables in the dimly lit room, the 'Groom' got up on a spotlit stage, the 'Bride' walked in and towards the stage.
The Groom started to announce that this was his partners 40th birthday, that they had been together for 20 years and that this was a special celebration for ... for ...

Then he said "Actually, I'm not explaining this very well, but there is a woman over there who can " and he beckoned me forward from the door to take the microphone.
I managed to say "Hello Ladies and Gentlemen. This is indeed a special celebration and you might guess why if I tell you that I am the local Registrar of Marr......" before the uproar drowned me out!!!!

It was fantastic! It would take me ages (ages more than I've already taken) to describe how happy and excited everyone was. Suffice to say, it took quite a wee while for everyone to calm down, but when they did the couple were married right there on the stage, in a ceremony involving their three children, and it was a brilliant night!

PickledLiver · 03/05/2013 00:33

Sorry, I don't like the idea. I wouldn't enjoy being a guest at this kind of a event and it's something I would never organise for myself.