in sending out invitations to a birthday party that are really wedding invitations?

[bouncychair]

DP and I have been engaged a while. He has a big birthday coming up later in the year and we've been thinking about planning a fake surprise party for him which will actually be our wedding day. If we go ahead it will be a church wedding followed by a big party in a field with a marquee.

I really don't want turn into a bridezilla and spend the next 6 months talking to everyone about wedding planning. The only person we would tell is my mum because I'm her only daughter and she is really exicited about helping me plan my wedding.

My only concern is that people might not make as much effort for a birthday as they might for a wedding and say that they can't make it. DP's argument is that if they aren't going to make an effort for his birthday then why should we invite them to our wedding?

So would IBU sending out invites for a surprise party when it's really a wedding?

[ryanboy]

I don't know - lots of people don't like surprises......

[YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar]

ephemeralfairy I didn't have a surprise wedding but mine was very low key. I just wanted a simple informal service where everyone who meant something to us would be. I hired the function room of a pub and put on buffet and DJ. I didn't want fancy food, outfits, flowers, drinks, cars, presents, location etc. I just wanted to get married. My mum was disappointed and tried forcing me into a fancy do. I stood fast but compromised on an outfit and having a bouquet. I wanted to do a surprise wedding to ensure it was exactly as i wanted. I just wasn't brave enough. Good luck to OP. I hope she does it.

[YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar]

That doesn't really matter ryanboy. Whether they like surprises or not the focus won't be on them.

[megandraper]

Oh yes, you must tell his mum. I would not be a Mumzilla at all, but I would be very sad not to know that my DSs were getting married!

[moanymandy]

I don't know them personally but know of a couple who did this! I think its a wonderful idea! I think they got married in secret that day and then had the 'birthday' party/ reception tgat evening! they had pics taken of the wedding and had a big projector of them as they arrived! sounded lovely to me!

[ImagineJL]

The more I think about it the more it turns my stomach. It's very me me me. As a guest I would hate it, I don't like surprises, and I would actually want to leave once I'd heard the truth about the whole charade. But I'm clearly in the minority.

It's your choice but unless you know your friends incredibly well, don't be surprised if some people don't like it.

That said, congratulations and I hope you have a lovely day, however you celebrate it.

[curryeater]

I went to a wedding that was supposed to be like this, but the best friend of the groom realised that too many people were declining who would love to be there for a wedding (it was a very international couple and most people had to travel a long way to be there). So he discreetly leaked it, in time for people to book flights.
It went really well because the informality was still there as it was planned very quickly and with a very relaxed vibe. I wouldn't have flown to another country for a birthday party, but I did for a wedding, and I am so glad I did, and it was the best wedding I have ever been to.

If I were you I think you should get a bit "the thick of it" and machiavellian and secretly appoint a close friend to do some very strategic leaking (that is nothing to do with you of course)

[HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform]

Imagine how is it "me, me, me"? Surely wanting to leave someone's party because you didn't know every detail of what was going on is making it about you? The wedding should be about the bride and groom, nobody else!

Would you leave if you didn't like a ceilidh, or the food being served, or the hymns chosen? Surely this is just a matter of choice for the couple and nobody else.

And calling other people's weddings a charade is frankly mean!

[ryanboy]

'The wedding should be about the bride and groom, nobody else! '

hmm I don't know .Doesn't one normally try to put one's guests at ease

[ChasedByBees]

Yes you have to tell his mum too and I'd be concerned that your friends won't come for your DH's birthday.

I wouldn't be hugely 'wow' about the idea, but then it's v v unlikely I'm going to be a guest so that doesn't matter at all. :)

[iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii]

Blimey, I bet OP wished she hadn't asked now

[Flisspaps]

But either tell both mums, or neither.

[ErrorError]

I say go for it! I know a couple who organised a Christening for their DS and it was also secretly their own wedding. Only thing is, with a Christening being a more formal occasion, you'd probably get more RSVPs than a birthday, so that's the only issue I see which you've already pointed out... how to get definite numbers. I'd not worry about whether or not people would 'dress up' for my wedding if I'd already said it was an birthday occasion, but if it's important to be dressed up then just simply say on invitation it's going to be a black tie do.

Wouldn't OP have to tell a couple of people anyway? Witnesses? Subtle hint drop on the invitation could be good. Little poem if that's your style, or some clue in the wording of it.

[SantanaLopez]

I think it's all in the planning.

Friends of ours did this at 12 noon on a Wednesday and were shocked when no-one fancied taking the day off work.

[kasbah72]

Oooh, fantastic idea! I knew of one couple who did this and invited everyone to a Mad Hatter's Tea Party which meant the dress code was wear whatever you want but top it off with some sort of headgear. There were some magnificent creations but lots of very casual and relaxed stuff as well - people were just being themselves!
The invites said drinks at xx time but to be sure to be there for the arrival of the White Rabbit who would be taking them on a tour of Wonderland...

The couple were there in their party get-up for drinks and then disappeared, pulling a few key people with them who they then told what was happening so as to avoid the " you should have given me warning" bit.

White Rabbit duly arrived for everyone else and led them to the village church where the wedding took place.

Amazing!

Back to the field for afternoon tea and drinks etc.
Brilliant day.

[musicmadness]

I don't really like the idea (hate surprises) but it's not my wedding! If you want to do this go for it but make sure everything is properly thought through.

Practical points:

Tell both sets of parents or neither, if you only tell one set the others will be very hurt.

If you have guests who need to travel long distance you need to consider telling them, especially if they are your friends rather than your DHs. Would you travel across the country or further for a birthday party?!

Unless all of your friends were made as a couple you might find not many of your friends come. Most people wouldn't prioritise a friends partners birthday. You need to make it clear it is important for them to go (find a good excuse )

If there is anyone you desperately want there you need to make it clear to them it is important they come, which may lead to them guessing what is happening.

Try to make the pretend birthday party something people would need to dress up for, otherwise you could end up with uncomfortable guests who feel really under dressed for a wedding.

Make sure it's clear people need to arrive on time, otherwise you are going to get people arriving in the middle of the ceremony. Most b'day parties are pretty relaxed about timings whereas weddings aren't!

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

I'm not 100% sure I understand why a wedding has to be a surprise.

[StuntGirl]

I agree that if you do this you must tell his parents as well as yours. It is not just your wedding day.

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

I must say if a friend of mine wanted me to get a babysitter and travel to her partner's birthday party, it would be a firm no. If I knew it was their wedding day, that would be very different indeed.

[PickledLiver]

Re: it's not about the guests. Well no, but then it's a very expensive showy offy party. If it's not about the guests, you'd go to a registry office and just have witnesses, surely?

[MummytoKatie]

I have made heroic efforts to go to weddings. And people made heroic efforts to come to mine.

Personally there is no way I would travel 400 miles in the middle of major exams, attend 3 events in 3 different countries in 4 days or rearrange a holiday for a birthday party.

But I did for weddings.

I find the whole "if they aren't willing to make an effort for my birthday" thing a teeny bit immature tbh.

I think it would b lovely fun etc etc but you would have people who matter to you not there. And you have to be ok with that. And to make sure that they are ok with it afterwards as well.

[InMySpareTime]

If it's a church wedding, surely the minister will have read the Banns of Marriage 3 times in church services, in the couple of months before the big day? Unless you can guarantee that none of your friends and family go to church the cat will be out of the bag anyway.

[HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform]

You can get married in the Church of England under licence which does away with the need for reading the Banns of Marriage.

[ChocsAwayInMyGob]

I think people might guess something's up. I would if I had a proper RSVP invite a friend's fiance's non landmark birthday party.

Oh and OP, it's not fair to treat your Mum differently to his Mum. I have sons and I would be beyond hurt if this happened to me.

[ryanboy]

I think I am the only miserable git who finds the whole idea utterly cringeworthy!!