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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think if you're behind a funeral you turn the music off in your car?

199 replies

freddiemisagreatshag · 02/05/2013 09:38

On the way to work this morning. Behind a funeral. Loads of people walking behind a hearse.

The bucko in front of me had loud thumps music blaring.

AIBU to think he/she should have turned it off?

OP posts:
ParadiseChick · 02/05/2013 21:57

Sorry misread that, all funerals I've been to the service and burial/cremation happen in the same place

Delayingtactic · 02/05/2013 22:06

I'm sorry but its pretty fucking horrible to call a funeral a 'show' when people have talked about burying their children, their siblings, their parents. How fucking callous do you have to be to not understand while death may not be a big deal to you it means a bloody lot to most people? To call it a 'show' is just hugely fucking disrespectful and just lacking in basic human compassion.

Delayingtactic · 02/05/2013 22:06

Sorry for being so sweaty.

Delayingtactic · 02/05/2013 22:07

Sweary. FFS.

Snazzynewyear · 02/05/2013 22:07

Catherine On the 'selfish to have funerals in rush hour' point, here is a non-emotional response:
If you are in traffic behind a funeral procession in rush hour, and you're so frustrated at your slow pace that you are driving inconsiderately or shouting/beeping etc, then you are at fault because you have not left enough time for your journey. It's bad planning and lateness, and I say that as someone who is chronically late. There's no-one to blame but yourself and it is the height of bad manners and self-centredness to imagine that all these other people, who are holding you up, are fair game for disrespectful behaviour. People doing this should get over themselves and leave the house 10 mins earlier in the morning.

Growlithe · 02/05/2013 22:10

For most funerals I have been to the extended family and close friends gather at the house the deceased is leaving from and if you are not in the cars you drive behind them in your own car. Quite easy to spot a hearse, two or three black limos and a slow stream of other cars. Understandable if they do fall behind, but usually they can keep together.

We've lost too many in our family over the last few years. It's my mum's 14th anniversary today. She was my first significant loss. I found her funeral to be very comforting, and probably helped me a lot physiologically to move on after this enormous blow to my life. I think it is quite cruel to deny your family that just because you are 'different'.

ParadiseChick · 02/05/2013 22:19

That's the same as the funerals I've attended but never been in a procession, just being to the crematorium. I think it's unreasonable to expect people to know what cars are part of that.

StoicButStressed · 02/05/2013 22:19

Oh MrsDeVere ....like I didn't already love you enough? WinkThanks

AndKewCumber your Q for the DELIGHTFULLY empathetic 1Catherine1? 'Out of interest have you actually buried a child or a parent or a sibling?'

Funnily enough, in spite of my asking precisely that question earlier, and Ms Catherine/inconvenienced by those rude bastards having audacity to be so bloody 'rude' (again, truly WTF??? Hmm ) by being buried in the rush hour having then posted since then; she didn't even acknowledge - let alone answer - that Q.

So wouldn't hold your breath for an answer to a Q made in DIRECT response to her innane commentsAngry Although would not now be surprised to see some drip drip claim along those lines suddently appear

ParadiseChick · 02/05/2013 22:20

Just being on the way to the crematorium that was meant to say!

StoicButStressed · 02/05/2013 22:21

Growlithe

((((hugs for today)))

ThanksThanksThanks

whoopwhoopbib · 02/05/2013 22:23

When my nan died the funeral director stopped at the beginning of her road and got out and walked in front of the hearse towards us as we were waiting outside her flat. As he was walking a car decided to overtake and as a previous poster has said they didn't account for him to be in front and he had to jump out of the way to avoid being run over Shock. Surely if you see a hearse doing 5mph you must realise it is for a reason and won't be for long so you show some respect and wait.

As another poster pointed out if you find yourself delayed by a hearse to the point of you being late it is most definitely your fault because you didn't leave earlier enough. I am often running behind in the mornings but am fully aware that it is my fault and not that of the other road users even if it does feel as though they are holding me up.

When my grandad died a couple of neighbours along the road stood in their front garden and watched the hearse go by as a mark of respect. I was only 15 at the time but I can still remember how touched I felt by this.

Sirzy · 02/05/2013 22:26

I think it's unreasonable to expect people to know what cars are part of that.

Some issue black flags to those who are travelling with the procession in their own cars to make them identifiable which I think is something which should be done more often.

Growlithe · 02/05/2013 22:29

Thanks Stoic. It's actually hit me a bit more today than it usually does. Sad

Growlithe · 02/05/2013 22:35

When I've been in my own car I wouldn't be cross with any other motorist for getting between me and the main party. It's one of those things and you can usually catch up.

As a new motorist I attended my uncle's funeral, got separated on the way to the crem with DSis and BIL in the car and ended up driving in through the wrong gate and missing the cremation Blush. My uncle had a great sense of humour and would have loved my embarrassment.

ParadiseChick · 02/05/2013 22:40

I didn't even realise that other cars had a 'place' so to speak. I thought they were just there.

DrCoconut · 02/05/2013 22:47

Is the closing curtains a northern thing? DH is a southerner and had not heard of it. Having curtains shut in the day time bothers me as it means someone has died, he loves to not open them for some reason. I too remember people at their gates when my grandad's funeral passed. He was massively well known and respected in his community. It was 18 years ago and I still can feel quite emotional about it now.

Snazzynewyear · 02/05/2013 22:48

I'm also bothered for the same reason when I see curtains closed in the daytime! I grew up in the Midlands and it was the done thing there for funerals.

UASGirl · 02/05/2013 22:51

Catherine - well done you have brought me out for my first post on this site. It's all very well for you to be detached about death but how about those you leave behind? Do you not think they would like to remember your? Grieve for losing you? I'm glad you can see the end of your days in 'clinical terms' (hopefully not for a long time yet) but that doesn't allow for those that love you and you leave behind. Please don't be so prescriptive in your wishes that those who love you feel unable to mourn you Sad

Growlithe · 02/05/2013 22:57

My mum used to close our curtains (Liverpool) but I don't see it much now. A couple of women in the street always collected door to door or flowers from the street when I was little as well. I suppose neighbourhoods aren't so close now so you don't always know one of your neighbours has died.

thebody · 02/05/2013 23:02

When my aunty died all of her neighbours came out to pay their respects and nodded to us.

She was the only white woman still living in the street. All her neighbours are black Pakistani, Indian and Chinese. All faiths.

It was incredibly moving for us and incredibly conferring for her son.

tigerdriverII · 02/05/2013 23:05

I completely agree about respecting funeral processions and how important they are for the family and friends.

Two observations:

If you are driving normally somewhere on a dual carriage way, and there is a funeral procession, should you wait behind them, or just drive slowly past them? I have done the latter, as it's not overtaking and otherwise it feels as though you are joining the procession.

When my dad died, the hearse set off for the crematorium from a nearer destination but there was only one road. I, with DM, DH, and DS in the car, inevitably caught up with it, and as we had to be there before them, I had to overtake it. DM in particular didn't want to follow the hearse for 20 mins, it was too much for her. It was utterly surreal to overtake the hearse, I think about it now. The only good thing is my dad was a very experienced and bullish driver and would have been astonished at me not overtaking anything.

thebody · 02/05/2013 23:11

When my aunty died all of her neighbours came out to pay their respects and nodded to us.

She was the only white woman still living in the street. All her neighbours are black Pakistani, Indian and Chinese. All faiths.

It was incredibly moving for us and incredibly conferring for her son.

Vicky2011 · 02/05/2013 23:17

I'm afraid I think Catherine is getting an unnecessarily rough time here. But hey, clearly I'm a heartless cow too.

I wouldn't have used the word "show" but I have never been able to understand how funerals are remotely comforting to the bereaved.

All dust soon etc

apostropheuse · 02/05/2013 23:21

In the village I live the person who died is normally kept in the house for two, possibly three days before the funeral. On the evening they are being taken to the church lots of the villagers, and anyone attending the funeral really, meet outside the house. The hearse arrives, the coffin is brought out of the house and then everyone follows the coffin on foot to the church. You always know when someone has died as there's a white sheet in the bedroom window where the person is.

The body lies in the church overnight and then the funeral Mass is held the following morning. After the Mass the people form a procession of cars and drive to the local cemetery as usual. Up until just a few years ago people walked from the church to the cemetery, which is about two-three miles away. But that stopped because of heavier traffic on the roads. Even now, often cars will slow down/stop if they see a funeral procession approaching. They would definitely stop and bow their heads.

It's all very respectful to the dead person and to the mourners, which is exactly how things should be. It really doesn't take much effort to think of others' feelings when you're out and about getting on with your life.

OP YANBU

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 02/05/2013 23:24

When my children died my world felt like it stopped, when my son died I remember walking out of the hospital, and down the road and looking at all these people just going about their lives and thinking 'why the fuck is everyone acting so normally, my whole world has just ended', it was the same when my daughter died, we walked out of the hospital and there were people heading in who were in labour, nurses just walking about saying 'hi' to us on the way past and I wanted to grab every single one of them and shake them and make the whole world come to a standstill.

At their funerals it genuinely meant so much to me to see peoples worlds actually stopping for a moment as the car drove past, it was hugely respectful. I didn't expect it, it wasn't a 'show' (although thanks to Catherine for minimising the last thing I ever got to do for my children to no more than a pantomime) but it touched me deeply.

I have planned my own funeral (I needed to to make sure I am scattered in the baby garden with my children) and I don't want a big fuss, and I am pretty detached about my own death, I'm not worried about it at all, but I still have the respect not to be a complete and utter dickhead about people who have lost loved ones and are mourning.