To think if you're behind a funeral you turn the music off in your car?

[freddiemisagreatshag]

On the way to work this morning. Behind a funeral. Loads of people walking behind a hearse.

The bucko in front of me had loud thumps music blaring.

AIBU to think he/she should have turned it off?

But there would have been music/singing in the church, no? OP has obviously never been to a funeral in New Orleans.

I'm forever shutting music off because I live close to the crematorium and cemetery.

I also block roundabouts so the official cars can go round, then wait until everyone dressed in black has gone through as well.

This has just reminded me of something that happened recently, it was actually the day of MT funeral.

I was driving into town and a hearse was coming the other way with a small white coffin. But there were no flowers, there did not appear to be any cars following or anything.

I hope it (the hearse) was on the way to meet a family who would have flowers and relatives. A child being cremated with just the staff would be so awful.

MrsD ((((hugs))))

And the same to all others/the rest of us who HAVE buried a deeply loved one, and to whom the smallest of details/disrespect can cause HUGE pain

This wasn't New Orleans and it wasn't church/gospel music. It was thump thump thump and make the car shake music.

And what Stoic said. {{hugs}} to everyone who has buried a loved one and who has been hurt by any signs of disrespect.

Gosh I felt horrible the other day when a bus I was riding on went past a cortege without stopping or slowing or something. I'm not sure doing so would have been practical, as it was on the other side of the street and we just drove past it.

It felt so disrespectful to look out a bus window at the mourners carrying the casket down the street with the people on foot behind.

Of course you should. It's empathy, respect and decency.

You either have been brought up to know these things or sadly you haven't

Pig ignorance..

LaGuardia Thu 02-May-13 13:46:09

'But there would have been music/singing in the church, no? OP has obviously never been to a funeral in New Orleans.'

Err, she may well have been for all you know? But as is bloody obvious, Freddie's post was about here; this culture; and - no matter WHERE in the world - just plain basic RESPECT? Both for the deceased AND those in vast pain on what they know is their final journey with them?

To analogise what Freddie described to the music WITHIN the church - that chosen with such time, consideration, love; care; agony; wanting their loved one to be reflected by service; etc etc et-fucking-cetara - by those who have JUST been bereaved is obtuse &/or moronic in the extreme.

I'm going to hide this thread now as, as someone who buried their only parent on 5th of last month, it is as painful as it is equally inscensing to see how fucking selfish; self-centred; disrespectful; and outright moronic some people can be.

I live near a crematorium and cemetery and see hearses most days. I always try not to get in the middle of the procession, though it's hard to tell sometimes. Dark suits or more formal clothes are a bit of a giveaway, but plenty of funerals ask for cheerful clothes. At my exMILs funeral I was the last car in the procession, the only non limo and I was cut up twice on the way there and beeped at.

Funeral cars/processions used to go really slowly when I was younger but now they do allow for traffic and IMO are considerate to other road users and drive to rule rather than at snail pace.

The few I have been to have had a 25 yard walk with funeral director at the front leading the procession then they hop in the car and get going.

It hardly inconveniences anyone.. If other road users are in that much of a rush for an incredibly important meeting/interview etc then maybe; just maybe, they should be responsible to set off earlier and allow for traffic delays/unforseen circumstances.

You don't tend to chose a funeral time, you get offered (if lucky) a couple of alternatives which you have to fit around all family members commitments/travel times/work. You take the one which best fits.

Many people can not have a day off work for a funeral unless it is immediate family regardless of how close you are and what your relationship is, so having it first thing is ideal as you can if you have to get to work for the rest of the day.

It was at my line managers discretion that she gave me a day of compassionate leave for FIL funeral as I am not immediate family. Obviously being married to his son and mother to his grandchildren according to my employers criteria does not qualify me for leave of absence from work.

Another thing is (and l have sadly been behind too many family members in last few years to realise this) you feel as though you are escorting your loved one safely on their last journey although some people might callously say well the deceased wouldn't hear music or feel anything if there was an accident for example and although logically that is true you still feel insanely protective of their worldly body. Early in the grieving process as a funeral is - their worldly body is still that person. It is too early for most grieving people to break that connection in their minds.
I remember at my dear dads funeral last year my b-I-l one of the bearers lifting his coffin into chapel slightly misjudged his shoulder lift which resulted in the coffin being jolted slightly and although there was never any danger of it being dropped, l still winced and said 'ooh careful' under my breath because my dad was in a lot of pain (secondary bone cancer at the end and l subconsciously thought the jolt would hurt him - then l remembered

Charley my now DHs employers wouldn't give him leave to attend my DBros funeral 4 years ago as we weren't yet married so officially he wasn't his Bro-in-law.
Never mind that he wanted to comfort the woman he loved and was about to marry on the untimely death of her Dbro.
He did attend - he told them he was going and that was that and to do their worst basically. They relented but did not pay him as they usually do for compassionate leave but he wasn't bothered about that tbh.

Actually, before I hide it, a thought for those of you who think it's just dandy to piss around the dead and the mourning.

We chose to have a private cremation for my Mumma before her funeral. So we were lucky enough to avoid those of you lacking both the empathy and respect gene in any way behaving in a way that could hurt us (in the way others clearly HAVE - and bloody understandably - been hurt/affected by self-centred and blind morons like the few above).

My eldest son then - on his own, as that was what HE wanted as loved her so much he wanted to be the one that did it - carried her/her ashes from her much loved aparment in a village where she had lived SO happily for the the final years of her life; cradling her down the High Street from that apartment to the 13th century Church on same High Street.

People she knew nodded to him in silent respect as he walked - this brave but agonised boy carrying his much beloved Nanny to her funeral. And he then had the courage & strength to - just a few feet away from her and her photograph - play & sing THIS TO her and FOR her. [And if link doesn't work, just google "Soundcloud" "Archie" and "Shiver Me timbers" - ESP. those of you who HAVE written such utter trite above, as clearly YOU are the ones who need to learn what loss and love actually MEAN in RL? ]

He is 21.

He was in agony.

And he puts those of you above who have uniformedly spoute such shite to UTTER shame.

Am grateful to Freddie for her OP, as if thread changes just ONE person's attitude, then she has done a huge service to all normal & right-thinking humane & human beings.

Ah stoic that has made me cry. You must be so so proud of your DS. He obviously learned a lot from his mum and his grandmother who must have been lovely to command such love and devotion from her adult grandson.

Stoic my lovely you have mail.

You just made me cry in a good way.

I remember seeing my sons carry a close friends coffin. Them and their friends. It was incredibly moving and they were incredibly brave. They all took turns in their kit for the team they all played in and carried him miles. I was massively proud of every single one of them that day - not just my boys but every single one of them who turned out to lay their last respects to their friend.

And the young friends of theirs who turned up when their great grandma was being buried. We as a family had no idea that they were so highly thought of. And it remains one of my abiding memories of the day these young men in shirts and ties and the girls who were there in their Sunday best who thought so much of us to be tjere

I always turn my radio off if driving anywhere near a funeral procession and will stop and bow my head if one passes me in the street. Its what I was always taught to do.

I'll never forget my Grandad's funeral.

A stolen car being driven at speed with the police in hot pursuit ended up behind the funeral procession. The police cut their sirens once they spotted the hearse and 2 black family cars. The driver of the stolen car, desperate to get away, started over taking the cars behind the black cars and was forced to cut in when a car came the other way... Between the hearse and the first black car

We all laugh about it now but at the time it made a distressing day a bit more distressing!

Your Grandad obviously didn't approve of car thiefs and decided to 'help out' before he left.

'thieves' even .

When you are driving to the funeral of a loved one it's hard not to feel that the World is still going on regardless of the pain you are feeling and the busy traffic just reinforces this.

A man told me that during his father's funeral they were driving from the church to the crem along a busy dual carriageway with cars overtaking the procession and everyone ignoring the hearse.

On the way they came to a large roundabout where a local tourist attraction were in the habit of positioning a man dressed as a knight in full armour sat on a horse all decked out medieval style. As the hearse came near the young "knight" removed his helmet and bowed his head. The man said it was the most touching thing he had ever seen and meant so much to the family.

When my Father died I stayed at Mum's house the night before and always remember a friend bringing my sons the next morning for the funeral and because we were very hard up as a single parent family friends had lent them decent dark clothes to wear and it brought a lump to my throat when I saw them.

I always turn my radio off when a funeral passes or I am behind one. I don't have the music loud enough anyone out of the car could hear but it is something I have grown up with as a simple mark of respect for the deceased and their family.

I remember at my Grandpas funeral a white van decided that his trip was so urgent he pulled out at a junction between the hearse and the first family car

On a sidenote, I do wish that more undertakers would issue mourners in their own car with a black flag or similar so other cars can tell when the cars have all passed. I would never purposly break up a funeral procession but sometimes you simply can't tell.

mrsDV your post made me cry. The bit about the world going on with their lives being too much too bear.

That was exactly how I felt when my DF died for a long time.

I always say an eternal rest prayer if I see a hearse.

It's just respect and having empathy to acknowledge that someone has died and their families pain.

YANBU