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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dp is being controlling not "letting me" have a dog?

87 replies

Smiledisarm · 01/05/2013 17:30

Dp and I are in the process of buying a house. From the beginning of our relationship I've compromised on shit loads. Took everything at his pace because he spent an age "not knowing what he wanted". I've compromised in the location of our new house going to an area of the city I'm not all that keen on (and miles away from where I wanted to be!) because he liked the houses better. I'm having to agree to move into this house despite the fact that my name can't currently go onto the mortgage for 10 months meaning I have no legal backing if it all goes tits up, I'm even having to compromise and accept that I may never get married despite it being a huge deal to me because he's not sure if he ever wants to remarry.
Now - I'm a dog enthusiast, specifically a German shepherd enthusiast and it has always been a huge goal of mine to qualify and buy a German shepherd puppy - I was so looking forward to that. Now dp is saying "no way, definitely not getting a German shepherd, no chance. I won't compromise on that. I won't budge on that. It's never going to happen. End of conversation. Apparently if I want a dog I can get a "small dog" but no chance in hell if getting the dog I've wanted since I was 10 years old. House is big, garden is big. We all like dogs (including him) so Aibu to think he's being really unfair and controlling on this? He won't even discuss it

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 01/05/2013 17:32

the dog is the least of your worries TBH

there are compromises and then there is bending entirely to someone else's will even to the point of accepting you may not marry him

CruCru · 01/05/2013 17:35

Perhaps this isn't going to work out. I was going to say that YABU as no one should be forced into having a pet they don't want but it sounds as though you aren't happy with quite a lot of the choices that the two of you have made.

Jinsei · 01/05/2013 17:35

I agree, there are bigger issues here than the dog. Why can't your name go on the mortgage? I wouldn't be moving in with him if I were you.

HollyBerryBush · 01/05/2013 17:35

A dog is a family decision. Bit like having a child. If party says no, then no it is.

I'm having to agree to move into this house despite the fact that my name can't currently go onto the mortgage for 10 months meaning I have no legal backing if it all goes tits up, I'm even having to compromise and accept that I may never get married despite it being a huge deal to me because he's not sure if he ever wants to remarry.

So why are with him?

McNewPants2013 · 01/05/2013 17:36

Do you think you are in the right relationship.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 01/05/2013 17:37

Get the dog, lose the partner?

He sounds like a right catch. He won't marry you and your wants don't matter. You haven't compromised. Your just being a rather obedient doormat!

LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2013 17:38

There you go, the answer you need - he sees it as his house. There's no bloody diference between a small dog or a large dog.

It would be totally different if he didn't want to live with a dog as no one should force a pet on someone else.

I've read your other thread - it's not going well for you.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/05/2013 17:39

Its got FA to do with the dog.

Run now OP. Getting married to a man who pays no consideration to your thoughts or feelings on the most important decisions in a relationship will never end well.

This man doesnt care what you want. Why are you with him?

CloudsAndTrees · 01/05/2013 17:39

Do you really think you two are suited to each other?

MumOfTheMoos · 01/05/2013 17:40

If you are making any contribution to the house you need to get your dp to make an express trust with your beneficial ownership (of the share that y have/will be contributing) - do not agree to you paying the bills and him paying the mortgage crap. You argot married and If anything goes wrong you will have no financial protection.

You can get yourself protected but it will take a trip to the solicitor - if your dp doesn't want to then it is a big reason not to do it.

I'm sorry about his intransigence re the dog - you could either just get one anyway?

AllOverIt · 01/05/2013 17:40

He sounds a real catch....

The rest of behaviour sounds more controlling, the dog is the least of your worries.

All the compromising is on your side. Do you really want to be with someone like this???

MammaTJ · 01/05/2013 17:40

Sorry, but I also think the dog thing is the least of your problems. He sounds very contolling in general and not willing to give on anything.

Can you actually think of one issue where he has been the one to compromise in your favour?

CocacolaMum · 01/05/2013 17:41

Walk away, find the man YOU want, marry him where you BOTH want and live in a house YOU want in an area YOU want.

Get out now before mortgages because that's only going to make it tougher to leave... and call the puppy Sam.. I won't budge on this one - her namesake is the greatest friend I ever knew and she was a German Shep I grew up with. Anyone who is prepared to take your dreams and crush them to suit his ego is a fuckwit and you can do better..

GoblinGranny · 01/05/2013 17:41

It doesn't sound as if you have some of the major aspects of your relationship in balance, let alone the small ones.
Whose money is buying the house that your name can't be on the deeds of?
Why are you living in a location you dislike, and with a man who may or may not marry you, depending on how he feels?
This is a telling sentence as well 'he's not sure if he ever wants to remarry'
Consider the real reasons why his last marriage may have broken up.
What are you getting out of the relationship? It seems entirely negative ATM.

StuntGirl · 01/05/2013 17:41

I agree, there are bigger issues than the dog. He does not sound like the right person for you.

MumOfTheMoos · 01/05/2013 17:42

Sorry about my typos - I meant that if your dp won't put you share of the house into a trust for you then don't mov in with him.

thebody · 01/05/2013 17:42

Agree with all the above and HollyBerryBush put it best.

pickledginger · 01/05/2013 17:43

Why are you buying a house and not having your name on the mortgage???

Seriously?

No, seriously?

There's trust and there's blind stupidity.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 01/05/2013 17:43

You will have a much nicer life in your own place with your puppy than with this horrid man

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 17:44

Lose the bloke, get the dog

Why are you with this charmless, clay-footed gobshite ?

MolotovCocktail · 01/05/2013 17:44

A German Shepherd is a big, hairy breed of dog that isn't to everyone's tastes and capabilities (including mine).

However, they are obedient and loving and have a lot going for them. You clearly adore them and that should be respected.

If the only issue here was that your DH doesn't like German Shepherds then a compromise is probably the only option. But there's more going on here, as has been said upthread.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/05/2013 17:45

I would listen to what the PP have said.

My first thought after reading your post was that the title of this thread should be
To think that dp is being controlling.

Its not just about the dog is it?

StephaniePowers · 01/05/2013 17:45

I would not get into a financial situation with this man. Nobody reasonable organises their mortgage to exclude a true partner.

Never mind the marriage
never mind the dog

These aren't incidental issues, but for now the financial control of you is more pressing. Even if I am overreacting to your post, it isn't sensible to have financial dealings with someone who shuts down discussion in that way.

Xiaoxiong · 01/05/2013 17:47

What is his stated reason for the 10 month waiting period for putting your name on the mortgage?

If that reason is legitimate (and why do I have a feeling it may not be...), then you need to do as MumoftheMoos says and protect your investment for those 10 months.

If he won't do this, then you have your answer.

mynewpassion · 01/05/2013 17:49

I don't think you suit. You both want different things.

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