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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dp is being controlling not "letting me" have a dog?

87 replies

Smiledisarm · 01/05/2013 17:30

Dp and I are in the process of buying a house. From the beginning of our relationship I've compromised on shit loads. Took everything at his pace because he spent an age "not knowing what he wanted". I've compromised in the location of our new house going to an area of the city I'm not all that keen on (and miles away from where I wanted to be!) because he liked the houses better. I'm having to agree to move into this house despite the fact that my name can't currently go onto the mortgage for 10 months meaning I have no legal backing if it all goes tits up, I'm even having to compromise and accept that I may never get married despite it being a huge deal to me because he's not sure if he ever wants to remarry.
Now - I'm a dog enthusiast, specifically a German shepherd enthusiast and it has always been a huge goal of mine to qualify and buy a German shepherd puppy - I was so looking forward to that. Now dp is saying "no way, definitely not getting a German shepherd, no chance. I won't compromise on that. I won't budge on that. It's never going to happen. End of conversation. Apparently if I want a dog I can get a "small dog" but no chance in hell if getting the dog I've wanted since I was 10 years old. House is big, garden is big. We all like dogs (including him) so Aibu to think he's being really unfair and controlling on this? He won't even discuss it

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/05/2013 18:29

You have made yourself extremely vulnerable.

Where are your financial protections?

re the dog - he is probably saying no way because that is the specific type of dog you want and it is yet another way for him to show he is dominant.

It really comes down to do you really want to set off on a life with a man who is controlling and with whom you are left financially up shit creek in a concrete canoe.

You say you are 'having' to agree to this, that and the other. That's not true. You are choosing to agree. Your other choice would be to not agree.

SirBoobAlot · 01/05/2013 18:38

Leave him, get a dog.

sue52 · 01/05/2013 18:39

The dog is somethng you both have to agree on, like a baby. That being so, this relationship must be ringing every warning bell you have.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/05/2013 18:47

Your DP has agreed to you getting a dog
Provided that you get the dog he wants, to go with the house he wants in the area he wants etc.

Can you see a bit of a pattern here?

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 01/05/2013 18:50

If marriage is important to you you need to hash it out with your partner AS SOON AS POOSIBLE as to whether or not he would be prepared to get married at some stage. If he is telling you now that he doesn't ever want to get married then you should either accept it or move on. It would be silly to buy a house together in the hope he will change his mind, if it is a deal breaker for you.

QuintessentialOHara · 01/05/2013 18:53

There seems to me that there is a very simple choice:

The house you want, in the area you want, with the dog you want,

And forget that controlling twat that wont compromise on anything yet insist you compromise on everything.

Squitten · 01/05/2013 18:55

Just to clarify - you finally got him to drag himself to a commitment, you're moving to an area you don't like, leaving yourself with no financial security for nearly a year (why is that exactly?), giving up your dreams for marriage and now your dreams for your pet too.

Is he extremely rich, looks like {insert celebrity sex god here} or the best sex on the planet?

WHY are you doing all this?!

travailtotravel · 01/05/2013 18:57

Oh please please don't as other people have said. The fact no-one else has come along and said anything else might be painful but I think we're all trying to see you right in the end.

alienbanana · 01/05/2013 18:57

I think the op has been scared off

ReculverTowers · 01/05/2013 18:58

the whole point of loving someone is that they don't get on your nerves (well to begin with) and you always agree on everything and life is greatif it isn't at this stage I would look at buying your own house or rent one and get yourself your dog :)

LimitedEditionLady · 01/05/2013 19:00

Get the dog.why shouldnt you have what you want?
He might change his mind on all manner if things through his life but dont let him stop you having what you want.dogs are great,my oh said we should perhaos rehome ours.i said "no its more likely youll be going before the dog ever does!" Lol noone stands between me and my dog.kept them both btw,bit attached to them...

foslady · 01/05/2013 19:02

OP, hope you are still about and haven't run......

Imagine what you told us us was a friend telling you this, would YOU recommend she stayed in this relationship.....? So many red flags here, sorry......

ReculverTowers · 01/05/2013 19:03

I do agree, I think dogs are better than men

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 01/05/2013 19:26

i agree with everyone else Grin

quoteunquote · 01/05/2013 19:38

It's perfectly reasonable for him to be honest about not wanting to live with a large dog,

It's really good he is sensible to be realistic about his ability to cope with that, we have thousands and thousands of dogs who owners, and breeders, didn't care if they could meet a dog's needs,

You are the one that will be with it most of the day, and looking after it, but if that makes the home a place where part of the family does not feel comfortable, it is going to cause problems,

It a commitment to an animal that will last over a decade, if someone has even a single doubt, then to push it on them, is not just unfair on them, but hugely unfair on the dog, who always ends up paying the price of that decision.

Is it a deal breaker for you? Living without a dog, only you can decide what you want more, a dog or this man.

You will run into massive problems very quickly if he isn't totally on board, If he choses not to become totally familiar with K9 behaviour, and training techniques, you have to really apply yourself to be successful, and genuinely interested in the subject,

Unless a dog is trained with consistence from all family members, it will never reach it's full potential, and the dog has a limited life.

If you want him to want to do it, he would have to fall head over in heels in love with dogs and the breed,

take him to an agility demonstration, but it does tend to be an acquired taste, you are most probably flogging a dead horse,

If it's not for him , it's not for him, it's not fair on a dog to live with someone who doesn't like dogs, so if he is only going along with the dog thing for your sake, do the dog a favour and don't get one.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 19:44

that's a great doggy friendly post, quote but I think you kinda missed the point Smile

squoosh · 01/05/2013 19:45

The dog is way down the list of things I'd be pissed off about.

Chunderella · 01/05/2013 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2013 19:57

A dog is a family commitment. Nobody should feel they have to have one - I don't think you necessarily need a 'good' reason why, not fancying one is fine imo.

BUT everything else in your post is not fine at all. Please think very, very carefully about moving in with this man. The power balance in your relationship sounds extremely one-sided.

You don't have to move into a house you don't want, or an area you don't like, or accept not getting married, or move in before your name is on the mortgage. You can just say no. You could just move on and find a life-partner where such big compromises aren't necessary.

QuintessentialOHara · 01/05/2013 20:01

What exactly do you love about this man?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/05/2013 20:02

Compromising doesn't mean one person agreeing to everything the other one wants, which is exactly what you are doing.

Does your happiness not matter? Or are you so desperate for him not to leave you that you agree to his every whim? Don't be fooled OP. this is not an equal relationship.

MeNeedShoes · 01/05/2013 20:09

I read these threads and find myself hoping you are a hairy handed visitor or this is a reverse AIBU. Why are you with this character exactly?

As others have said the dog is the least of your problems. Run don't walk.

Machli · 01/05/2013 20:16

I haven't read the whole thread because I don't want to influenced from my first reaction, which was dump this man immediately and then run off to the hills stopping only long enough to choose your GSD puppy to go with, who I guarantee will bring you far more happiness and be a perfect companion.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 01/05/2013 20:20

OP, I am not sure why you have started this thread after the one you started yesterday. People were being supportive of you on it. Hmm

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 20:23

Op is hoping for a different answer with each thread, then disappears when she doesn't get it

it's a sad and vicious circle, and it won't end well for her