To stop DP going on lads holiday???

[MummytobeDC2]

DP and I are in our twenties, and I am 13+5 pregnant, due in November. His friends have decided to book a weeks holiday end of August, start of Sept... DP asked if I would mind him going and I said yes as il be 7months gone I have DS to previous relationship so will need the help and money etc... He got upset etc and made me feel exceptionally guilty. So me being me said he should go for a long weekend and come home before his friends, stay 3nights, that way we are both happy! His mother advised us "he should go as it will be his last" and he keeps repeating that now complaining after agreeing to the long weekend he wants to go for the week!

First of all I will be 7months, I have DS I need help with and the money would benefit the baby, flights and accommodation are costing £300 and spending money, well, at least 2weeks wages! We are far from flush!

AIBUR????

Please tell me I'm not insane?

No, but not even letting the DP have access to the cards? that's not him just leaving it to her, that's her not letting him be involved - I can only just imagine the responses on here if a woman came on and said her DH earns more than her and controls all the finances, to the extent he won't give her access to her card for the joint account to stop her spending the bills money. They'd be shouts of financial abuse and LTB.

You can't have it both ways, treating someone like a child and expecting them to act like a grown up.

Too many woman seem to enjoy treating their DP's like another DC. It does generally come back to bite them on the arse one way or another. OP, if you try involving him in a sensible conversation about bills, finances, the budget when you're on Mat Leave, how much you'll need saved to cover the short fall when you are on SMP/no income from you at all after 8 months, and have him see you might have the money now, but you'll need it later.

Twirl, twirl

Yawn, yawn

Meanwhile, in the OP's circumstances......

leven couldn't have said it better.

af my kind of partnership !

dontmind some people are just shit with money, male/female. My df is terrible all of his THREE wife's (that's another thread!) all eventually had to take over the finances, my gf is shocking, she is a shop a holic and will blow all her wages on handbags, her partner has to manage her money, other wise he will end up with all the bills . No amount of adult discussion will ever change them. Your points are really shite as they have no truth behind them.... Are you sure your not dp dm?

Tolerating man-child behaviour isn't to be recommended.
Who could find such a man attractive?

And yes, you can tell yourself, and everyone who is prepared to listen that it's necessary for a happy marriage...but most women are not that daft!

Seriouscakeeater - some people are shit with money - best they learn. If they can't, wont, and the OP won't let him, then why on earth is the OP even the slightest bit surprised he's shit with money now? People on this thread keep saying he should just know the money isn't there, but it is there now - just the OP has allocated it for something else, he's not used to having to budget for bills, most people are.

I have yet to meet an adult who's 'shit with money' without having someone else taking over and/or bailing them out. You find very few single people without generous parents/partners/family who are 'shit with money' to the extent they can't be trusted to have access to their own money lest they spend it on handbags or other fripperies and not bills.

It happens over and over like this, someone like the OP finds a solution that involves masking the problem, not dealing with it, and then gets a grump on because the problem hasn't actually been solved.

Personally, I can't imagine wanting to shag a man so childish he can't have access to his own bank card, the OP is obviously different and has until now, found his big kid act endearing enough to get pregnant by him - either try to change him (which will involve the OP giving up some control) or don't whinge.

I do think it's a sign of financial abuse to keep someone's bank cards from them, I don't find it any less of a sign of someone being controlling because it's a woman doing it.

Dontmind - I never once said he doesn't have access, he can take the cards as and when he pleases, they are in my possession because I am organised and good with budgeting. Does not make me his mother

*doesnt have access to the bank cards

dontmind your posts are way too long and I can't be bothered reading to the end. I stopped taking interest round about where apparently op had now (according to you) found the money (are you sure your not mil?) but she has allocated it for some thing else (?) yeah like bills, baby stuff, ect ... Yep that's really op being selfish making sure her family is financially secure..... Poor poor DP.

Leavenheath,, I think I love you

I love Leavenheath
Dress it up how you like I think all these golf breaks etc etc = lads hols. Its all the same, only older blokes trying to be 20 again < sad bastard emoticon> When you get together with your soulmate the boys need to put away their toys and try and be bloody adults!!
But he works hard I hear you cry! So women do nothing?? These so called men think only of themselves, end of!! ARRGGHH frustrating friday thread!!

Afternoon. Please can we remind everyone of our Talk Guidelines, specifically the one about not making personal attacks.

We've no problem with folks disagreeing with each other - as long as you don't attack each other personally.

I made no attack... I said the other name for magaluf.... ? Lol

serious - I wasn't saying she's wrong to allocate it to something else - but if he doesn't do thinking about bills because the OP does all that and doesn't involve him, then there is no point just saying "we don't have the money" when he can see it is there - my point was if you never involve the other person in planning the finances and seeing that while you might have the money right now, that doesn't mean you can spend it this month because in 8 months time you'll need it.

Not involving the DP in these planning stages, pointing out what money will be needed for in x number of months time, and then just being surprised they haven't worked it out for themselves that when you say "we haven't got it" acutally means "we have got it now, but need to save it for stuff I've not told you about" is setting you both up to fail.

Yes he should be interested, but that involves the person who's 'sorting' all the money to give up some control. And make it a two person discussion, not just a "no, because I said so".

Thing is with marriages and men, one woman's Prince Charming is another woman's Hammer House of Horrors.

My idea of hell in a man would be a bloke who prided himself on being a man's man who loved lads' holidays, sex clubs, porn and was useless at talking about feelings.

For another woman, that's the dream package and she might pride herself on being a man's woman

Each to their own.

But you know, what other people and other marriages are like is irrelevant. Just like no pregnancy is the same and no toddler is the same.

Budgets too.

Not everyone lives in a nice big house, or has the readies to play tit-for-tat and so being stuck in (for example) a Glasgow council flat while heavily pregnant in high summer, might be a different proposition to staying in a massive house that gets cleaned regularly by the hired help.

People live in very different contexts, have different ideas of their dream partner/marriage and while some of us had trouble-free pregnancies and 'easy' children, not everyone has the same luck.

This fella sounds like a selfish boy who puts his own pleasure first. Most of us long-marrieds know that the OP has two choices here. She either puts up with it and is unhappy or she renegotiates what's fair and acceptable to both of them and achieves a win-win.

But she shouldn't be made to feel that her concerns are invalid, or that she is a miserable po-faced harridan, just to satisfy some other posters' view of the perfect marriage 'Terry and June stylee'.

I was just going to say exactly what Leavenheath said but she saved me the bother

So why all the posts about allowing each other time apart to do their own thing and how healthy and good it is for the relationship, if it blatantly doesn't apply to this OP?

It does, as Leavenheath says, just look like posturing and twirling, and the usual, 'aren't I just the most amazing wife?!'.

It's lovely for you and your lucky old DH, but otherwise not relevant. People get so caught up in the same old need to paint themselves picture perfect, that the actual issue at hand gets completely lost in the melée.

And telling someone who's pregnant that she should've chosen a better partner in the first place, and is basically never going to sort him out now is hardly helpful!