To stop DP going on lads holiday???

[MummytobeDC2]

DP and I are in our twenties, and I am 13+5 pregnant, due in November. His friends have decided to book a weeks holiday end of August, start of Sept... DP asked if I would mind him going and I said yes as il be 7months gone I have DS to previous relationship so will need the help and money etc... He got upset etc and made me feel exceptionally guilty. So me being me said he should go for a long weekend and come home before his friends, stay 3nights, that way we are both happy! His mother advised us "he should go as it will be his last" and he keeps repeating that now complaining after agreeing to the long weekend he wants to go for the week!

First of all I will be 7months, I have DS I need help with and the money would benefit the baby, flights and accommodation are costing £300 and spending money, well, at least 2weeks wages! We are far from flush!

AIBUR????

Please tell me I'm not insane?

If money wasnt an issue I would say he should go as its the last holiday he's going to get for quite a while.
Please don't make him feel he's being told what he can and can't do as it will lead to resentment. Put it to him that the only reason you're not happy about it is because the money could be used for important things. Then let him come up with a decision or a solution
Can he do some over time or any extra work somewhere to pay for it?
I know the thought of him wanting to go away when your pregnant could be seen as selfish but if he really feels like he needs it before being a dad then he should be able to do it.
It would be a lot worse if you were close to your due date.
Can he send you off on a break with some mates or as a family when he cones back or before to make it equal? That's what I'd be expecting :)

Going - it was about p&c parking spaces & people parking in them that clearly didnt have kids -hard hat was required , I was an AIBU thread virgin!

Babybee people get thrashed on here it's a jokeee

YANBU - and I have read the entire thread.

OP will be 7mths and close to maternity leave. OH has not got into the mindset of being a new parent of a baby even though he's basically being stepdad to DS. However that doesn't mean he can piss £1500 away on a weeks lads holiday two months before the birth of his child and in the run up to Christmas. Even my DH is gobsmacked. I take that none of his mates have children yet otherwise they wouldn't have asked him when you'll be getting to the fed up stage of pregnancy?

I have a RL friend who's DH used to over indulge at times. He's stopped now, mainly because she insisted that when he got a big payout and spent £5k on a computer, she got the same amount in £ to spend on herself and the kids. He stopped immediately afterwards. And they didn't have a brand new baby to account for.

OP - has he agreed the suggestion that if he does get to spend £1500 on a lads holiday, that he has to look after the baby when you have something similar for yourself and the girls?

yanbu.

I think the OP's had a bit of a battering but that tends to happen when you're rude and stroppy to people who come on to a thread to offer support. You owe Oblomov an apology.

CSI - only one member of the friends going has a DC he has always treated his OH like this, the other friends obviously don't see my point, they seem to be encouraging him somewhat, which is thoroughly annoying as they have only their interests at heart

I have made the suggestion that I receive equal, but I know for a FACT that would never happen and I am a very selfless mother who would rather spend it on kids or things we need or to our car or mortgage... Not a piss up.... I would never get it in the first place.... never mind take it sickening.

Oh joy

Mummy2B - is this a deal breaker? I see MIL has got her size 12's in and given him the strap line "it will be my last" but TBH you could point out he can go away next year or the year after when there isn't the expense of baby just before Christmas? Which will kill off that whiney reason, and yes, it's a whiney reason. My 4yo tries this wheedling trick and it doesn't work.

If it was me, I'd withdraw the 3day offer due to excessive whining. You gave him a bone, he's guilting you into more - don't do it. £1500 is a stupid amount on a holiday for one member of the family - you could all have a fab time at Eurodisney all expense for that. Or 5star Sharm el Sheikh, Greek islands etc all inclusive. It's incredibly selfish to spend that much on one persons piss up.

I think the bottom line of this AIBU is that your OH is being selfish, thoughtless, and not considering your relationship as equal, especially if you probably won't get the same opportunities for you.

CSI - I completely agree it is very selfish and thoughtless... Which makes it very difficult, this for me is a possible deal breaker - but I don't want any deals to break in my pregnancy

I don't want to be handing out ultimatums at all, but this situation is very difficult... his mother, when I see her, will be hearing exactly what I think and exactly how selfish I feel it is, I think it is insulting to the baby to say its basically stopping DPs life "last holiday" why it would be his last... I have no clue... Confusing.

My family and friends completely think it is bizarre behaviour, I wish someone else could talk sense in to him.

Will tackle it this weekend when DS is away -

OP just want to say good luck with everything and I hope all turns out well for you.
Maybe next year we can organise a group of MNers to go on a girlie MONTH to Ibiza, get trollied every night, play crazy golf and bowls, hire male servants and live the high life. BECAUSE WE'RE WORTH IT!!!!!!! heh heh.

If it was me, I'd withdraw the 3day offer...

In the way you might if you were his mum, or teacher perhaps?

He's guilting his pregnant partner into a rather expensive piss up when he already goes out with the lads once a week and has had quite a few lad holidays abroad already. He's also got mummy to argue his cause as well. Act like a petulant child, get treated like one.

Thanks very much Cheryl! i hope so too!

I definitely look forward to that! Glow sticks and rediculous tutus.... If only! xxx

If he insists on going I think you must put 1500 pounds away in your own seperate bank account and TELL HIM that you WILL be going on your own trip, just as soon as you are able.

You cannot allow him to think that he can do it but you can't!

Fifty wow have you got three grand floating about the place? Op certainly hasn't plus they need the money for the impending baby....

The notion of stashing away £1500 to spend on yourself is just stupid.

For a start you don't have that sort of money, and when you have two children, and after a period of maternity leave, you won't have that kind of money spare for quite some time - because he will have spent it on a holiday - for himself!

And let's face it - if you did have that kind of money spare, but that's all you had, you wouldn't spend it on yourself. You'd put your children's needs first.

Whereas he puts himself first.

I think you have far bigger problems than this "lads' holiday".

we are a family and a team in my eyes which means he has to consider us all... No??

Well no, obviously not. As far as he's concerned, it's his money and he can spend it how he likes because you're picking up the tab for everything else. What does that say about his commitment to you, and to being a father?

he went on holiday 3times last year - two one weeks and one weekend - so I never usually stop him doing anything...

due to me being better with money I hold both cards to ensure payment of bills on time and I do all food shops etc I also earn more than my DP, which I do not at all hold against the holiday, if baby wasn't coming it would be a completely diff story

You say you want an equal relationship, but that's precisely what you don't have.

No wonder he thinks he can just do what he likes - because he can, while you're there to pick up the tab and organise the finances so that he can do these things.

You need to start saying no. When you do, and you stop being his meal ticket, you'll soon start to get the real measure of this manboy.

Yes I agree olgaga....

I really feel for you OP, you are trying to do the right thing and this is clearly a stressful time for you. It isn't just about the money, is it. It's about his interest and commitment too.

To be perfectly honest, I would have been gobsmacked if my DH had wanted to go on holiday when I was that far gone in my pregnancy.

People say "oh it's not an illness" but frankly that depends entirely on your perspective, your health, your state of mind and your situation. I think if you have another child to care for, if your DP wants to be part of a family he should be there for both you and your DS.

Perhaps you need a bit more confidence about needing to be assertive in this relationship? If so, take a look at this, and if sparks your interest and strikes a chord, I recommend this book for further reading: A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson.

He is entitled to make his own decisions - but so are you.

Good luck and PM me if you like.

I don't often chortle, but, oh my, I'm laughing now.

BIWI, you self indulgent bollock-talkrr, you!

I can actially imagine your jaw-dropped wtaf face when you returned to the thread.

Same old, same old.

Some posters ALWAYS use these threads to twirl and say:

Look at me! I'm such a cool wife! I climbed Mount Everest when I was 9 months pregnant with another baby strapped to my chest while my popular husband went on yet another lads holiday.

But this isn't about your pregnancies.

Nor is it about your budget.

Or your husband.

This is about a family on a limited budget that has already tolerated several lads holidays, when the OP has said repeatedly that the same budget and absence wouldn't be reciprocally acceptable.

Doesn't matter whether the thread's about strip clubs, porn, lads holidays or stag weekends, what these repetitive twirlers need to understand is that they are not the OP, what they put up with is of no interest to anyone and that everyone else realises that they protest just a bit too much

If your lives were that great you really wouldn't need to make other women feel like shit because they have different circumstances or standards.

I missed so much! Typical!

OP, from an "old head" standpoint ....you need to allow partners the freedom to make their own choices, or the control will eventually rebound on you.

If there is an issue with finance, then the discussion is not whether he should or should not go, but how you can work finances so that both things are covered .....and that is the approach I would be inclined to take: lets sit down and talk about how we can divide the money to cover holiday & baby & etc's.
The etc's should include some personal indulgence for you too ...thats a quid pro quo if he is taking a holiday alone. Maybe some extra nursery time for your DS while he is away, so you get some downtime? or some beauty treatments to make you feel amazing?

It needs to be a fair discussion though, not a biased "I will prove we can only do it my way".