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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with the notion 'one of each' kids is always the preference?

110 replies

Bellini12 · 01/05/2013 10:41

A good friend of mine is pregnant & has just announced (in true FB fashion with photos and guessing games) that her 2nd baby will be a boy (she currently has a DD). I'm so happy that they are going to be parents again. I'm just stunned at the number of comments that followed... 'one of each, how perfect!' 'a blue and pink, it doesnt get better than that' and all the parents with a DD & a DS sound so very smug!

I myself have 2 DD's. I don't believe I would have felt any different if I'd had a boy. DH is incredibly sporty etc but has never felt like he is missing out not having the little boy to take to the football or whatever. It's just the way it is!

I loved growing up with brothers (the lack of male influence is my only concern with my girls growing up but they are close to their male cousins) but I also love having sisters (who I am closer to).

Everyone has their opinions and some siblings are closer to each other regardless of sex, so why do people feel the need to go on about 'the perfect scenario'?

OP posts:
x2boys · 01/05/2013 17:49

I know it pisses me off i love my two boys more than anything in the world and would not change them for the world just as i,m sure i would have loved two daughters or a son and a daughter, i get will you not be having another one to try for a girl no i bloody wont! It paticularly annoyed me when a friend who incidentally has two daughters suggested i was upset when i found out i was having a second boy i asked her would she send her second daughter back for a boy it soon shut her up!

louisianablue2000 · 01/05/2013 17:50

If people comment positively on the family you have that is just making conversation and is fine. If someone I know has 2 girls I always tell them sisters are the best (I have 2DDs), it doesn't mean I don't think boys are lovely too (I also have a DS).

But if someone says 'you'll be hoping for X' that give me the rage, I told everyone when i was pregnant with DS that 3 sisters ran in the family to counteract the 'you'll be hoping for a boy' comments. Then of course I got a boy but we didn't know before he was born and didn't care, especially when he arrived early and we were more concerned about his health than what was between his legs.

likesnowflakesinanocean · 01/05/2013 17:59

i have ds, and two sc boy and girl. i am constantly.being asked when we are trying for a girl. we arent, small girls petrify me. sd is plenty enough for me despite her being older and i have no desire for a small girl Grin i am often told i am evil. i am sure were i to have a daughter i would love her unconditionally but people seem adamant that i NEED to have one

ratspeaker · 01/05/2013 18:43

I never failed to be gobsmacked when pregnant at people (actually certain family members ) TELLING me what gender the baby should be. As if I had any way of controlling it!

ChasingStaplers · 01/05/2013 18:48

YANBU

I had DD, followed by DS and then went and ruined it all by having another DS Hmm

Actually that's a total lie - having DS2 has completed my perfect little bunch. As it would have if he'd been a girl.

Peo

ChasingStaplers · 01/05/2013 18:50

YANBU

I had DD, followed by DS and then went and 'ruined it' by having another DS according to some of ex's family Hmm Shock

Actually that's a total lie - having DS2 has completed my perfect little bunch. As it would have if he'd been a girl.

People are stupid and insensitive with their comments sometimes.

idiuntno57 · 01/05/2013 19:14

I have four DS. People seem to pity me for my misfortune.

Four of one sex is pretty full on but is brill. I pity the pitiers. My kids rock. All kids rock. Whatever the sex. Grin

BruthasTortoise · 01/05/2013 19:15

After some of the comments I had about DS2 I purposefully announced the sex of DS3 after my 20 week scan just so that I could get all the horrible "you must be disappointed" comments out of the way before I had him. Nothing worse than people looking at your beautiful newborn and saying they're a disappointment.

Hyperhelpmum · 01/05/2013 19:16

I have two boys and am currently pregnant. Ive been really sick and in hospital and someone who has two DDs said, maybe it's the girl give always wanted? WTF?!!! I have never said that! I adores boys and love their close relationship. It's so easy as they like the same things luckily. I am one of a boy girl family and had nothing in common with my brother. We weren't close. Not to say you can't be close to sibling of opposite gender. I don't care what I have though once upon a time I really wanted a girl. Now I just love my -children-, each very different though both boys. I think some women I know are v smug about having girls and pity me. Let them! My DH and I know how we feel. Smug to have two fantastic children.

BeaWheesht · 01/05/2013 19:20

I have on of each. When I was pregnant the second time and ds was 3 people said 'oh ill keep my fingers crossed for a girl' quite often. I thought it was a bit odd tbh but wasn't offended. When dd was born I was told it was perfect, my family was complete, it was a gentlemans family etc. the only thing I really was annoyed at was the assumption I wouldn't have anymore, I suppose though, had dd been a ds and people had thought that a bad thing I'd have been fuming!!!

YoniCollette · 01/05/2013 19:33

My ds4 was born early. The first thing the midwives and nurses in the baby unit asked was whether I would try again for a girl. I was ShockSad

My boys are great. I can't imagine being a mum to a girl now but I certainly had no preference.

beans37 · 01/05/2013 19:46

We have 2 DDs and am 20 weeks pregnant with 3rd. Have no desire to find out what sex it is, because I simply DON'T CARE! I'm happy whatever, win/win situation. People are just assuming I'm trying for a boy, but actually, we were just trying for another child!!

And a friend of DH asked if DH ever felt sad that he was firing blanks. I was confused until he explained to me that we had two girls and no boys; ergo, firing blanks. WTF! Seriously. What a twat.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/05/2013 19:52

YANBU! I can't understand it either. It is possible two of 'the same' may be easier if they are more similar, but children are all individual. I have 1 DD and would be delighted with another DD or DS, if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again. It must be hard for people who feel strongly about it, though.

LaGuardia · 01/05/2013 19:58

I had DS then DD and it is amazing how many people have said to me over the years how envious they are. I never gave it much thought.

soontobeslendergirl · 01/05/2013 19:59

I have 2 boys, that was my preference all along. OH has a slight preference for a girl with the first but after having a boy, he had a preference for another. He is sporty, neither of my sons are - both more academic/computer orientated.

I don't need to wonder what our daughter would look like - No2 son is very pretty :o

When he had longer hair a few months ago we tied it back for a laugh and he looks so much like a girl - i took a photo and showed it to some friends as my new daughter - they were gobsmacked. He is 12 soon so hoping he looks a bit more masculine soon - he now has short hair which helps. No 1 son will always be my handsome boy, but think I might be mourning the loss of my pretty boy when he becomes a awkward teen and hulking man :(

HollyBerryBush · 01/05/2013 20:04

And a friend of DH asked if DH ever felt sad that he was firing blanks. I was confused until he explained to me that we had two girls and no boys; ergo, firing blanks

kind of makes a mockery of the "real men have girls" thread a fortnight or so back

AThingInYourLife · 01/05/2013 20:09

My response is always "I don't have two the same!"

:)

Amen, aldi.

I don't have three the same Wink.

TiredFeet · 01/05/2013 20:19

yanbu. but I think some people actually think like that but most are just saying something for the sake of something to say. the sex has been announced and they want to comment. I suspect I would say something like 'oh great, one of each' or , on the flip side 'ohh lovely a little brother the boys will be so close'. so either way the news is it is just something to say.

I have one DS and am pregnant again. I really don't mind whether they are a girl or a boy. In some ways I would prefer a 2nd boy as then maybe they would have more in common. but in reality they could have very different personalities anyway.

so yanbu if people really mean it, but I suspect most are just finding something to say

MiaowTheCat · 01/05/2013 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ellajayne · 01/05/2013 20:23

YANBU.

I have two girls and they are perfect. I often think about what it would be like to have a boy but I don't think it would be any more brilliant than having two daughters.

Dontbugmemalone · 01/05/2013 20:27

YANBU. I hate this. During my second pregnancy, one person asked me "If I was having a boy or girl?" and I answered "A boy." with a smile on my face. They responded by saying "Oh never mind, maybe next time."

I actually prefer having 2 DSs, it's much easier to pass clothes and toys down.

dietcokeandwine · 01/05/2013 20:33

Definitely not being unreasonable. I agree that most people are just saying something for the sake of saying something but why can't they at least be positive?

I have recently had DS3, who is gorgeous and scrummy and a complete little miracle given that we never actually thought we'd manage to have three children at all (have had various fertility issues). All through the pregnancy got the 'would be nice if it was a little girl, wouldn't it' comments Hmm.

After he was born, someone said to me, on hearing I had three boys, "Oh, you must have been gutted at a DS3."

Sad Angry

Er, no.

A friend of mine went along to her 20 week scan for her third DC to discover that her very much wanted baby boy had died the week before the scan.

That's gutted.

if nothing else, the use of the word 'gutted' should be outlawed when discussing the gender of anyone's DC!

ShadowStorm · 01/05/2013 20:36

YANBU.

I'm currently expecting DC2 - no idea about gender yet - but I've already had quite a lot of people asking me whether we want a girl. Presumably because we already have a DS.

Sure, it'd be nice to have a girl - but then, it'd also be nice to have another boy. I'm happy with either. DH's preference is that DC2 is another boy.

Original poster
Bellini12 · 01/05/2013 20:42

So when my friend says 'I'm so chuffed I'm having a boy' (or words to that affect).

Or like when my SIL said, cradling her boy, 'I never thought I'd be so lucky to have a boy' (when I'd just had my DD2 a few months earlier).

What can I say in return? Because to me it's implying that what I have isn't lucky enough.

Not that I should care really as I'm happy with my little family... But the insensitivity drives me bonkers!

OP posts:
imaginethat · 01/05/2013 20:45

I have one of each and I remember one friend saying, a boy and a girl, how clever are you?! And feeling surprised but happy, she is a lovely friend and always thinks of something kind to say. I am certain that if I'd had another dd she would have said, another girl, how clever are you!

In fact, the only negative comment I have ever had was the other day when someone said to me she hated how EVERYONE assumed that one of each was the best scenario and parents with one of each were smug. Which really is rude, inaccurate, presumptuous and downright silly. However she is known for her broad generalisations and bitterness.

So in essence nice people make nice remarks and tactless people make stupid remarks and neither has anything to do with fact, they are just indicative of the remark-maker's social skills.