Please, I NEED to know if IABU before I take a stand with my in-laws.

[MyShoofly]

I have posted about this once before several months ago but am waffling?..I will try to be as brief as possible:

My in-laws sold their house about 3 years ago (Canada). They spend about 6 months of the year snow-birding in the US where they own a trailer in a seniors community. The other 6 months they have been splitting their time with various family here in my city and in another province. They cannot stay in the US more than 6 months.

They never used to stay with us but last August they wanted to use our basement for 2 weeks. It morphed into 3 months due to medical appointments (my MIL has MS and my FIL had a minor surgery). They liked our basement and asked if when they come to our city in the future if they can stay with us again. I gather the step-sisters would move the in-laws between their houses if they had other guests which in-laws did not like. The conversation was in passing ? it would hardly count as a conversation?nothing formal. I said it was fine, expecting them to only be around 2-3 weeks here and there.

We asked them to pay us $300 a month last Sept and Oct as they were costing us a fortune in food, water and electric ? they indicated nobody else makes them pay to stay with them and seemed to think $300 steep but agreed.

They started to refer to themselves as ?living? with us and it became clear they intended to be around for much longer than I anticipated. The basement is not self-contained. They use our kitchen and come up to visit. For my taste there is a lack of space and privacy. I found their visit Aug-Oct much too long. I was unhappy and very pregnant. They were crawling all over my very last nerve and it was clear to everyone.

DH and I bickered about their presence. I believe I was very diplomatic about it but my feelings were quite clear. He simply did not see my point of view. If it were up to him they would live with us forever as one big happy family. He spoke to them but basically made it worse ? told them I was hormonal and stressed?.to wait and see how it goes on their next ?visit??that I might enjoy their help while on maternity leave with a toddler and new baby.

While they were gone DH and I spoke about this openly with each other and with DH?s sister who was entirely on my side. I thought he finally could see my point of view and that everything was settled ? that he would speak to them about their long-term living arrangements when they returned.

Now they are back. They have been here almost 2 weeks. This year they intend to stay with us for a total of about 4 months ? half of April, all of May, then Aug-mid October. They are trying to stay in the basement (and avoid me) a bit more. I am trying to be more pleasant and sociable, though I?m afraid I am forever to be thought of as their uptight DIL. I am home on maternity leave so we are around one another a good deal. It?s going fine but my feelings remain the same.

They have changed their driver?s licenses and insurance to our house. They have bought a mini fridge for the basement ? today they advised they want to chip in with us for a new guest room mattress (as if !!). I?ve had yet another argument with DH about it ? he says he spoke to them and they are going to try to maintain this snow-birding thing for another few years and will try to stay at ours for only 2.5-3ish months a year. I gather they were very vague. I told DH he needs to pin them down on the specifics and that I personally think anything over a month is not reasonable ? 2 at the absolute maximum. I told him I need a more specific plan from them. DH thinks this is all fine ? no problem. I am the unreasonable one ? these are his parents after all.

I find them utterly cheeky. If they really ?live? with us then they should offer a substantial financial contribution (it costs us 2000+bills+food to live in this house every month). They should be buying groceries and splitting housework, cooking and maintenance when they are here. As I see it, they don?t want the financial or maintenance responsibility of a house/rental and are just using us to get around paying what the majority of all adults pay ? living expenses. I totally resent it. I don?t think I should have to tell two grown adults that they are overstaying their welcome FFS.

What is too long I guess is the question?? Am I over-reacting here ? would all of you welcome family to stay for months at a time with no end in sight? One month? Two? How about Three months? Where should I draw the line?

Before I put my foot down?please let me know ? AIBU?

Yes, well done.

Nice play OP.

You are amazing .

Good on you OP. I hope he listens to you.

Well done.

Just keep strong. If he wanted you to live with his family he should have made that clear before you got married.

I can't believe he admitted he would not want your parents there, but can't understand your POV about his??? Why does he think his parents are so much better than yours? very odd! You need to make sure he does deal with it now, keep up your firm stance.

Hi OP. I also remember your first thread. Well done on a proper conversation with your DH. FWIW I don't think you're being unreasonable but it wasn't until your last post that I spotted the answer to a lingering question: how big is their family. I think that, as the youngest of 6, with one side of the family with land and a "hey, we're all family, pitch up and stay" approach it's probably never occurred to him until your explosion that you didn't see yourself as part of that. A good friend of mine's DH is also the youngest of 6 and the only boy. She's fought battles over all sorts of things as his siblings tend to discuss and then present his contribution as a fait accompli. Your situation is different as one sister agrees with you but I think that family dynamic is worth considering. He needs to know that it's not HIS responsibility to put them up and by extension that it's not HIS responsibility to care for them long term. The fact that you have the least resources and your PIL are staying with you interests me. Why make that call when you've 6 children to choose between?

The other thing that you mentioned is that your MIL had MS. Do you think that she's not really expecting ton survive into 'proper' old age/doesn't want to face the truth about the care she will end up needing? Have the family discussed this? What about FIL's health?

Good luck, I hope that you reach a solution that turns them back into welcomed guests rather than nuisances.

And well done for really speaking your mind

Wow well done. Did I miss the bit earlier, where you said he wouldn't be happy with your parents staying? That makes the whole thing even worse. He just doesn't see it does he... Well lets hope he does now.

Apparently my parents are annoying. Agreed but

Ha! And his aren't?!!

Even if they were the loveliest people in the world it's too long, they're freeloading, creating extra work, making you feel uncomfortable and, most importantly of all HE DIDN'T ASK YOU.

I am furious on your behalf OP.

Even if his parents are the nicest people in the world -
they are not your parents.

Good luck. Stick to your guns.

MsPickle - the SIL I have a relationship with has no idea what their plans are. I have broached with her that she and DH should explore this more so we can all be prepared. MIL mentioned to DH recently that they she believes they will be taking over her parents property when they pass on. I told DH that if they have financial difficulties then we need to have an idea because FIL is 80 and God wiling will have many great years left but...its not a distant future issue IYKWIM? I'm sure I share the desire for them to have a high quality of life and standard of living for all of their retirement years - so if this snowbirding busniess is a complete financial drain for them than I think the siblings should have a chat.

Nice going OP! Now be sure to follow it home and make sure he does indeed sort it out - and very clearly!

Everyones parents are annoying. Thats why we don't move then in with us...

Yay - go MyShoofly!

I don't think it's the end of it either but at least you're moving in the right direction and reclaiming your home

(I'm intrigued as to why your DH, the youngest of 6, feels he is the only one that has a responsibility for housing them?)

Oops sorry - xposted

I feel for you OP. My IL's stay with us for about 6 weeks of the year spaced out and that's bad enough at times. You need to be firm really and make it clear to them in a polite way how you feel. It's the only way to get through I'm afraid as your DH (bit like mine) doesn't want to upset them. Yes, your name will be mud but so what? They'll have to accept your rules or bugger off! Good luck :)

Way to GO Shoo! You rock.

Hopefully when this comes up again this talk will have left such an impression on DH that all he will need is a "do you remember the last time we talked about this? Do you really want me to tell you all that again?!" and fix him with a look.

It sounds like there's a lot of assumptions "taking on family property", "living in basements" and not very much open communication about what this pair are up to. Have they always been like this? When they had a house did their children just rock up to stay or did they work on invites?

The other thing that I noticed was that you said MIL used to clean up in the kitchen but doesn't do much now, perhaps because she's trying to come upstairs less. Is she the sort you could have a coffee with and say what you'd like help with and sort of give her permission/guidance about where to help? And could you give FIL jobs to do as well? As part of the wider "our house, our rules, our length of stay" structure?

He's right. Parents are annoying. That is why you don't force them on your wife 24/7 for four months without discussing it!!

Grr. Perhaps you should suggest yours come for an extended visit?

Well done OP.

Another one here who has a dp who is the youngest of 6.

And another one who can see that despite all the older siblings benefitting hugely from help from MIL when their dc were young, they have now all moved further away than we are (and we're 90 mins away) so that it will be us that end up trying to do all the helping her. Plus we have young dc, not grown up dc (even the great gc is older than my dc and has benefitted lots from his gran), and would find it a real strain to have to look after MIL as well as the dc. She's not an evil MIL like some are on MN, but I do struggle to make conversation with her or interact with her, she makes me very uncomfortable so certainly wouldn't want to live with her and it would make life pretty tricky if she were here long term. So the thought of your suffering OP and actually having them in your basement for so long with no choice would be a nightmare for me - you're doing amazingly well so far to be so restrained!

OP, glad you have had a good conversation with your dh, hopefully what you have said to him will really sink in and he will appreciate your views. Maybe you really should invite your parents to stay for the same amount of time that his parents stay and then start to see the lesson really sink in. Or maybe just tell him that his parents can't come to stay in August or whenever because you've told your parents to come and stay then to make things fair. And see what he thinks about that, especially when you point out that they won't be paying anything towards their stay, to make it fair with how his parents are treated when they stay with you.

Obviously you don't actually have to get your parents to stay - or just have them over to stay for a nice short break - but get them in on the joke and let your dh stew about them coming for a few weeks and see how he feels...

Whilst this case is at the extreme end of the spectrum, there seems to be (from the posts here and chats with friends/colleagues) a real reluctance on the "baby boomer" generation to make sustainable retirement plans.

Here in the UK many friends have parents who for years have lived off rising property values and the expectation that they can sell up or remortgage to fund what are clearly highly expensive lifestyles that can't be maintained over 20/30 years of non generation of income.

There seems to be a groundswell of entitlement often laughingly termed "spending the kids inheritance" - which in principle I don't object to - you can't take it with you and I personally would rather my parents enjoyed retirement than "save" or god forbid "scrimp" for me, but I am seeing this taken to "spend the inheritance and then let the kids bail us out".

I have lost count of friends who are now in some form or another subsiding their retired parents - parents who have "blown" life savings and house equity on mad "let's buy a house in Spain to live in half the year" or let's "travel around the US in a huge RV for 2 years" or "buy a boat and sail around the med" because they refused to really think if they could afford it.

Before I get beaten up, I don't object to people wanting to help family in desperate straights, I just seem to hear more and more stories where these situations were totally avoidable and parents have been - put bluntly - bloody selfish at worst and in denial at best.

The families involved are now making sacrifices that impact their children at the very time they should be the priority.

Do I just have an unlucky social group or is this issue becoming more prevalent?

Rant over.....hand me a !

I was going to say that if you can't get anywhere with talking to DH about this you should invite your parents to stay the other 6 months of the year. Because that would be fine, right?

Anyway, yay Shoo.

Yellow tulips. Interesting point. I wonder also if offspring are more likely to have bigger houses thus giving the impression of "room for parents"
My pil certainly seem fairly entitled when they visit here which I'm always shocked at as they are otherwise polite and reasonable people.
They seem to expect a hotel quality stay (which they don't return)
Even when I was ill mil tapped on my bedroom door to ask for "some toast please" and they think nothing of still sitting here at 8 pm on a school night even though we've all got work and school the next day I often wonder if this is how their parents acted.

Just wanted to say well done. I particularly liked your way of handling it: letting him say his piece first, checking he had nothing left to add, then giving him both barrels. Excellent work.

Yellow Tulips - there does seem to be a lot of that around, perhaps the numbers of what their house is worth has made a lot of baby boomers think they are rich, without realising they have to live somewhere, they only have that money if they sell the house and live nowhere - or live nowhere they have to pay for, ie. grown children's house (who are paying huge amounts in mortgages because they didn't buy 20 years ago).

There are so many who mention that their house is their retirement plan, without thinking that their house is also their home. It's breathtakingly entitled to assume you can just move in with your adult children once you've deliberately made yourself homeless - especially since that generation rarely have taken in their parents unless their parents needed care. Effectively telling your DCs they must have a more expensive house than they need (by having a guest room), in order for you not to have any rental costs. This is before you even look at people thinking you can just move in and not offer money towards food and bills...