Please, I NEED to know if IABU before I take a stand with my in-laws.

[MyShoofly]

I have posted about this once before several months ago but am waffling?..I will try to be as brief as possible:

My in-laws sold their house about 3 years ago (Canada). They spend about 6 months of the year snow-birding in the US where they own a trailer in a seniors community. The other 6 months they have been splitting their time with various family here in my city and in another province. They cannot stay in the US more than 6 months.

They never used to stay with us but last August they wanted to use our basement for 2 weeks. It morphed into 3 months due to medical appointments (my MIL has MS and my FIL had a minor surgery). They liked our basement and asked if when they come to our city in the future if they can stay with us again. I gather the step-sisters would move the in-laws between their houses if they had other guests which in-laws did not like. The conversation was in passing ? it would hardly count as a conversation?nothing formal. I said it was fine, expecting them to only be around 2-3 weeks here and there.

We asked them to pay us $300 a month last Sept and Oct as they were costing us a fortune in food, water and electric ? they indicated nobody else makes them pay to stay with them and seemed to think $300 steep but agreed.

They started to refer to themselves as ?living? with us and it became clear they intended to be around for much longer than I anticipated. The basement is not self-contained. They use our kitchen and come up to visit. For my taste there is a lack of space and privacy. I found their visit Aug-Oct much too long. I was unhappy and very pregnant. They were crawling all over my very last nerve and it was clear to everyone.

DH and I bickered about their presence. I believe I was very diplomatic about it but my feelings were quite clear. He simply did not see my point of view. If it were up to him they would live with us forever as one big happy family. He spoke to them but basically made it worse ? told them I was hormonal and stressed?.to wait and see how it goes on their next ?visit??that I might enjoy their help while on maternity leave with a toddler and new baby.

While they were gone DH and I spoke about this openly with each other and with DH?s sister who was entirely on my side. I thought he finally could see my point of view and that everything was settled ? that he would speak to them about their long-term living arrangements when they returned.

Now they are back. They have been here almost 2 weeks. This year they intend to stay with us for a total of about 4 months ? half of April, all of May, then Aug-mid October. They are trying to stay in the basement (and avoid me) a bit more. I am trying to be more pleasant and sociable, though I?m afraid I am forever to be thought of as their uptight DIL. I am home on maternity leave so we are around one another a good deal. It?s going fine but my feelings remain the same.

They have changed their driver?s licenses and insurance to our house. They have bought a mini fridge for the basement ? today they advised they want to chip in with us for a new guest room mattress (as if !!). I?ve had yet another argument with DH about it ? he says he spoke to them and they are going to try to maintain this snow-birding thing for another few years and will try to stay at ours for only 2.5-3ish months a year. I gather they were very vague. I told DH he needs to pin them down on the specifics and that I personally think anything over a month is not reasonable ? 2 at the absolute maximum. I told him I need a more specific plan from them. DH thinks this is all fine ? no problem. I am the unreasonable one ? these are his parents after all.

I find them utterly cheeky. If they really ?live? with us then they should offer a substantial financial contribution (it costs us 2000+bills+food to live in this house every month). They should be buying groceries and splitting housework, cooking and maintenance when they are here. As I see it, they don?t want the financial or maintenance responsibility of a house/rental and are just using us to get around paying what the majority of all adults pay ? living expenses. I totally resent it. I don?t think I should have to tell two grown adults that they are overstaying their welcome FFS.

What is too long I guess is the question?? Am I over-reacting here ? would all of you welcome family to stay for months at a time with no end in sight? One month? Two? How about Three months? Where should I draw the line?

Before I put my foot down?please let me know ? AIBU?

I wouldn't use the phrase pitch in. I would tell them the amount it is costing you to have them there and say you want it paid.

Good luck tonight OP.

We are going to run into this situation with my mum when my dad dies, so watching with interest!

Sorry to be so blunt

OP, be very careful you don't end up with them as semi-permanent paying tenants who expect services/rights/access because they are paying their way.

Work out what you actually want - in a nutshell money from them, or freedom from them - and then frame everything around that.

sorry if this has already been said, but sounds to me like they are slowly going to try and inch their way in step by step until they live with you permanently. you will be stuck with caring for two older people and their declining health as they get older.

good luck!

OP, you're on mat leave at the moment. What are your plans for when that finishes?

Would you like to be a SAHM? Could you afford to do that while your ILs cost you so much money to put up?

Are you planning to WOTH? Part time or full time? If you're planning on full time, how will you find the energy to host them, cook, clean, spend time with your DH and DC?

As others have said, my fear would be that they will see themselves as having rights if they are paying to stay. (I fully agree that they should be paying their way, of course, and are currently freeloading and presuming on your goodwill).
You need to figure out with your DH what outcome you want from the discussion with them, as another poster has said, money from them, or freedom from them. Best of luck.

Oh my giddy aunt....two days would be the max for me.

6 weeks, i think your mad, seriously no one should have this forced upon them.

It would just be a no from me, sorry i like my own space. Book a freeking hotel or rent a house.

I have anxiety just thinking about it.

I would go stark staring loopy in your situation, OP.

I think it is particularly an imposition when you are at home on maternity leave, or being a sahm - sharing space with people who are not your parents, and not having your privacy.

Good luck in sorting it out.

YANBU.

My overseas IL's have stayed for a month once. It nearly killed me. They certainly didn't change their address, that would have been very alarming!

They do however always pay towards supermarket bills, takeaways and offer to make awful meals and have the worse standards of hygiene you can imagine

I think you should start with 4 weeks when you talk to them. Just in case they try to talk it up.

I am actually finding it easier for them to be here this time TBH. Not acceptable, just easier than when I was working full time. I couldn't handle leaving work, picking my son up from daycare and having them right there the second we got home when all I wanted was precious time with my child and husband. So on mat leave for me its less grating anyway especially as I am bereft of other adult company. I will need to return to work full time in February - no financial choice with or without the in-laws munching our food.

I am going to set the 6 week mark - I can handle that length and DH will get to feel he's not ousting them altogether. I think they will be insulted though and just make other arrangements. Its a shame we probably can't just swing a normal visit length - then we would all be happy to see them.

I'm glad it's easier this time - though I would also introduce the idea that one of your family is coming to stay at the 6 week mark so that will give them you a fallback when if they try to stretch it.

I would also still try to get them contributing to food.

They might see it as payback for all the time & money spent on bringing up your dh from birth to when he left home. Just be careful how you handle this as you dont want your dh to secretly resent you for throwing his parents out. Its not the ideal situation but the key is to turn it around and imagine if it were your parents & your husband behaved like this towards them. All sides need to maintain respect & tact to prevent a full blown argument from developing, this has the potential to do turn into a long lasting feud.

Try not to have these discussions near the kids otherwise they will grow up thinking old people are a burden. Which also wont be good for you when you become the elderly parent/MIL. Our society doesnt treat its elderly people ad well as it should. Yes there are issues here here that need to be dealt with but it shoukd be done sensitively.

I am going to set the 6 week mark - I can handle that length and DH will get to feel he's not ousting them altogether. I think they will be insulted though and just make other arrangements.

Result then, sorry to be flippant, it must be very stressful for you. Work out what is the red line for you that will not be crossed, by the sounds of it a limit on the length of the stay (plus a contribution) just so that they understand that contributing does not mean that they can stay as long as they want.

Summarise it at the end just as you would do in a business meeting so that no one can then say that they thought it meant 6 weeks for each visit for example.

I'm fascinated op. have you been buying all their food and cooking it even when pg and post Natally?
Do you do their washing?
Do they use all your shampoo n stuff?
I'm just staggered by this thread.

Looking after two extra adults is a huge amount of work, particularly on top of a baby and a toddler. I'd be very resentful.

I remember you from last time too. Good luck with the talk tonight! I can't believe they had the cheek to come back again or that you didn't put 'return to sender' on all mail that arrived

No, they contribute minimally to groceries. Currently they have 1 jar of salsa, 1 litre of orange juice and some bananas in our fridge. Of course as of yesterday they bought that mini fridge so who knows what they will stock in it. They help themselves to our groceries. They rarely cook. In the past two weeks they have cooked one meal. I seem obligated to included them when I cook (well, they help themselves) but otherwise on leftover nights I tell them to fend for themselves. My MIL was previously helping with laundry and cleaning the kitchen but has stopped helping with the kitchen - possibly becasue they are trying to not be upstairs as much. She also sometimes does a bit of yard work (a bit). My FIL helps with nothing whatsoever.

Yes, one bone of contention was that after a full days work, a pregnant me would arrive home and be greeted with "whats for dinner". That never went down particularly well. Though in fairness they also seem happy to do their own thing.

I do not do their washing. Yes, they use our shampoo etc unless we don't have what they want and then they go get their own. I'd say they are relatively self sufficient - its hardly a carer situation - they are both in relatively good mental and physical health.

Who buys their bog roll?
Their milk?
Their tea?

OP - get them out of your house, they're not welcome.

They're weighing a heavy toll

Am with the others who've asked: did their PIl stay with them?
As Lottie said: where did this expectation come from?

Please ask them this question and see what they say.

You don't want them there, why are they there? Who's allowing it?

Can you tell them someone else is coming to stay after a certain time? Get a friend to come and visit you? (or someone from MN who could arrive loudly with lots of suitcases on a predetermined date? )

They help themselves to our groceries. They rarely cook. In the past two weeks they have cooked one meal. I seem obligated to included them when I cook (well, they help themselves)...She also sometimes does a bit of yard work (a bit). My FIL helps with nothing whatsoever.....Yes, they use our shampoo etc

They sound incredibly self-entitled, selfish and just horrendous to be honest.

I don't know how you put up with it, I'd be screaming divorce long before now....

Of course the key phrase here is: I seem obligated.
That's in your own hands completely. You don't owe anybody anything (except your kids), why are you making a rod for your own back?

I would be leaving brochures of Mexico lying around...

Oooh I must ask...what is a "bog roll"?

I've certainly let it get to this point....its just sort of gathered steam IYKWIM?

When they are in Canada and not with us they stay with MIL's whole family who all live sort of side by side on family land - her brother is lending/renting(?) them a trailer on his property and they are intertwined with MIL's parents and siblings. So that arrangement does lend to the whats mine is yours type life-philosophy I speculate.

MIL's family live on the other side of the country I should clarify - they visit there for 2 months or so out of the year.

I'm shocked you have lasted so long youusr be wonder women! I felt my teeth set on edge after an hours visit today - why when you ask my mil what she wants to drink does she flap on about how anything will do it doesn't matter so you make her a drink (today's offering was tea) and as you put it down you can garuntee within 5 seconds she will pass comment along the lines of "oh is that what I'm getting I was rather hoping for .....(insert any drink here we don't have in the house)
Good luck stay strong and don't soften too much. Oh and bog toll is toilet paper