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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband demeaning my salary

147 replies

uhura · 28/04/2013 21:16

I feel sad - I started a new business 2 years ago after being at home with my kids for almost 10 years and I think its doing really well. I'm earning what I think is a respectable salary whilst still taking the kids to school and picking them up. That was the point of starting the business rather than going back to work as I wanted flexibility.

Unfortunately when I have spoken to my (professional) husband about how well I was doing, he laughed and said is that all you're earning? (or words to that effect - infact the word pathetic was used). I feel really demeaned and can't understand why he is not thrilled for me.

When I got upset I was accused of over-reacting.

Tell me ianbu and that he is a prat please.

OP posts:

MrsMelons · 29/04/2013 13:14

Wow - I am shocked. As long as you are not skint and can afford to live in the way you both want I cannot understand the issue he has.

Even if you have had to cut back a bit surely the fact that you have to run a house and look after 5 children means you could never realistic go back into a job like you had before.

Most people I know will never be in the 40% tax bracket (full or part time) in fact no where close, to earn that running your own part time business is amazing and he should be thrilled.

You are not overreacting and it is sad your husband feels like that!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/04/2013 13:14

Yes, it's not so much the presenting problem as it were is it ? It's all the underlying stuff that would be so upsetting. Hopefully sounds like you're a very strong woman though OP with lots of resources of all kinds - that should stand you in good stead wherever you want to go from here.

redexpat · 29/04/2013 13:17

Let me get this straight. You have 5 children. You hadn't worked for 8 years, you started your own business whilst taking care of school runs and I'm assuming housework too, and two years later you are into the 40% tax bracket on part time hours and employing another person?

Dude. You sound truly incredible. Your husband does not deserve you.

Squitten · 29/04/2013 13:19

Your DH is a knob. You sound like you're very successful indeed!

Is he a twat in other respects? Does he do his fair share regarding the kids, etc?

Inertia · 29/04/2013 13:31

You are doing fantastically well.

Your DH is an arse- how bloody unsupportive and ungrateful.

You could always up your income by invoicing him for all of the household tasks and child care you provide. He seems to regard only his job as work, and this is clearly not the case.

You could always point out all the ways in which he isn't pulling his weight and being pathetic- child care, household stuff, emotional support , probably sex given everything you've said about him. But you probably won't , because you are a considerate adult rather than a self-important brat with an over-inflated ego.

bbcessex · 29/04/2013 13:38

Hmmm.. is this 'usual' type of behaviour for him?
If it is, and he's controlling, unsupportive etc. in general then that's one thing..

But if not, could his 'desire' for you to earn more money be masking some financial problem HE has? Could he be panicking and expressing things badly because his job is under threat (of redundancy etc), has he got in to debt, does he have other financial responsibilities that you don't know about?

Are your children in private education? Is the pressure of 'providing' financially whilst in his eyes you are 'enjoying yourself' for less money than you COULD bring in really making him unhappy..?

Original poster

uhura · 29/04/2013 13:40

Thank you for all your support and affirmation of what I have achieved. It puts it into stark contrast that I am not getting the same at home.

My husband is a good man who works hard to provide for his family but I think that he has lost sight of what it means to be sucessful. I think I need to speak to him about his work as perhaps he has been shielding me from unpleasant truths about his work security.

He, like most men I think, does a bit at home but has no idea how much effort is required keeping the home on track and the children happy. My household role is invisible to him (possibly becasue it isn't paid?) and my paid work can't be important because I could be earning a lot more.

Actually our lives would be miserable if I took a full-time paid role for a city firm and we would probably not be much better off.

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 29/04/2013 13:46

You need a three/four week sabbatical/business trip, something work related away.

He can then experience, precisely what it is you are up to as well as running a business (impressive by the way,don't let him rain on it)

It may focus his thinking.

Binkybix · 29/04/2013 13:49

Unbelievable. Does he look down on others who 'only' earn in top tax bracket part time too? OP - what you've achieved is incredible, and I would seriously be reevaluating my relationship if I was in your position.

If he is worried about job security I still don't think his behaviour is excusable, maybe a tiny but more understandable. What extra does he think your higher earnings would bring to your lives? Does he want to cut back his own work maybe, and would you be ok with that?

Phineyj · 29/04/2013 13:50

You stick to your guns ulura. You are doing brilliantly and self-employment has many advantages, not least the nice boss and the satisfaction of knowing you created your own success. You are a great role model for your children. I am at your husband's attitude. Mine is my best cheerleader and much more interested in me/us being happy than what it says on our pay packets.

WMDinthekitchen · 29/04/2013 14:03

You run your own business and earn over £40,000 a year from it. Out of the roughly 30 million tax payers in the UK only approx 14% are in that tax bracket. You have five children and don't need any childcare out of school. You are to be congratulated, not put down.

If you earned the same as your "D"H and worked the same hours I think he would find something else to criticise. He sounds like a typical macho/insecure type who cannot be equalled in any way.

I was married to someone like that.

lynniep · 29/04/2013 14:06

F*cker. That is all.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 29/04/2013 14:13

What a tool. But then, I'm currently a SAHM, my DH is working in a position he enjoys rather than the one which would pay a lot more (he's in academia, but his specialisation is highly paid in the corporate world.) He did this because the hours are better for family life.

When I go back to work, it'll likely be part-time, at least until our DS is older. He's not going to be little forever. Luckily, both of us are on the same page about appreciating our family situation.

You've done so well to build your own business and be clearing such a profit after just 2 years. Considering you have 5 children, the childcare costs you're saving would not be insignificant.

I have nothing else to say but, he sounds like a tool. I'm sorry.

GailTheGoldfish · 29/04/2013 14:21

I haven't read the whole thread as I am on lunch break from running my business while my DD naps and I would be livid if my DH said that to me. You have the Holy Grail, a successful business that compliments your family life and provides a good income. Such a shame he cant see what you've achieved and be proud like he should. You sound amazing (and I would love to be nosy and ask what you do!).

Original poster

uhura · 29/04/2013 16:07

My company provides financial analysis and business support to a specific industry sector. I use many of the skills I developed in my old career but in a different context and different sector.

I also love the work that I do now and feel super proud that I am an employer. I didn't use any old contacts - this has all been down to me from scratch.

My company would be much bigger and more profitable if I could work more hours but I have chosen to balance my work with my home commitments. As the children get older my idea was that my work would also grow enabling me to employ more people, spread to other industry sectors.

OP posts:

KeatsiePie · 29/04/2013 16:54

Dude. You sound truly incredible. Your husband does not deserve you.

Just thought you should see that again! I think your plan for having the business grow as the children grow sounds completely sensible. What you've done so far really is, undoubtably, impressive.

I also think you're smart to check if something's going on with him wrt. job security or something, since you say this isn't typical behavior for him.

But after you've sorted out whatever's bothering him, I think you need to make it clear to him how much you do at home. With 5 kids, you do a fucking lot. I don't know the best way to make that obvious to him, b/c I don't think just telling him is going to make it clear, but I also tend to think the common suggestion of going off and leaving him alone to cope for a week is a little silly. Maybe it's not, though. You really, really should not have to feel, ever, that you're not doing enough. With 5 kids and a business at home, I suspect your life would knock me flat!

whois · 29/04/2013 16:56

+1 for DH a twat.

£40k+ on part time hours is awesome!

Pilgit · 29/04/2013 16:59

If it were me I would be considering stopping doing anything or him and focusing that time on the business. Probably not constructive but my tendency to be a bitch would come storming to the fore! You are amazing!

Oblomov · 29/04/2013 17:04

Your dh is a proper twunt. A total idiot. I am being polite.

FriskyMare · 29/04/2013 17:05

I work part time and earn about 1/6th of dh's income. He appreciates how hard I work as well as running the home,looking after dc etc. As he puts it, he would have to have a considerable salary increase to cover my pay if I became a SAHM again.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/04/2013 17:13

*Let me get this straight. You have 5 children. You hadn't worked for 8 years, you started your own business whilst taking care of school runs and I'm assuming housework too, and two years later you are into the 40% tax bracket on part time hours and employing another person?

Dude. You sound truly incredible. Your husband does not deserve you*.

^^^ this again.

He sounds like a giant knobber.

Rosesforrosie · 29/04/2013 17:25

Tell me again what this mans redeeming features are?

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 29/04/2013 17:29

Wow! What you have done is super impressive, and shows such wisdom about the importance of having some balance in your life.

Clearly your husband doesn't have anything like the same kind of wisdom.

You are doing a great job for your children, yourself and your stupid H. I think the worst part of what you have said is that when he understood you were upset about his comment, he just said you were over-reacting! he was not sad to have upset you. Or if he was, he didn't exactly show it.

He is showing you a remarkable lack of respect and hasn't the sense to see that if he treats you this way, it will do him and the family and your marriage no good at all.

Bloody hell, he should be giving you a medal, if only for having five children! The fact you have started your own business, made it successful and are earning more than many earn in full time jobs is certainly something to be proud of. What a knob he is to be so unsupportive and to spoil your pleasure and pride in what you have done.

I would make a MASSIVE fuss about this attitude of his, and nip it in the bud before it becomes an entrenched way of thinking for him.

Mmmnotsure · 29/04/2013 18:16

Congratulations, Uhura, seriously.

You will be a great role model to your children re flexibility, doing different things at different stages of your life, work/life balance, success, independence . . .

I'll stop there.

pigletpower · 29/04/2013 18:24

Sorry haven't read all thread-what is your business again? I'm finding it a little unbelievable that you are earning 40 grand part time.

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