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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband demeaning my salary

147 replies

uhura · 28/04/2013 21:16

I feel sad - I started a new business 2 years ago after being at home with my kids for almost 10 years and I think its doing really well. I'm earning what I think is a respectable salary whilst still taking the kids to school and picking them up. That was the point of starting the business rather than going back to work as I wanted flexibility.

Unfortunately when I have spoken to my (professional) husband about how well I was doing, he laughed and said is that all you're earning? (or words to that effect - infact the word pathetic was used). I feel really demeaned and can't understand why he is not thrilled for me.

When I got upset I was accused of over-reacting.

Tell me ianbu and that he is a prat please.

OP posts:

interalia · 28/04/2013 23:32

He's a tit. Bet he wishes he made a comfy income while being able to spend time at home rather than slogging it out at a horrid bank. Ha!

Lueji · 28/04/2013 23:38

What everyone else is saying.

Plus, I hope you are putting all of your meagre earnings into your own bank account and saving them for when you get fed up of this twat.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/04/2013 23:45

he is demeaning your 40% tax band salary....part time? but he only works for someone else and you aare the boss of a sucessful company.

it is not you who is pathetic, it is him.

TheBuskersDog · 28/04/2013 23:49

So does your husband look down on everyone who isn't earning a twatty banker's salary?

flatmum · 28/04/2013 23:58

add on the full time childcare costs for 5 kids fulltime for 10 years (see the how much do you spend on childcare thread) - your minimum would have been a full time nanny circa 40k a years thats 400k you saved / made. perhaps that brings you up into his stratosphere.

thepig · 29/04/2013 00:13

What is the business OP?

RiaOverTheRainbow · 29/04/2013 00:15

Does he usually put you down like this OP? You said you were sad, but nothing about shock. Might be worth weighing up what he brings to your relationship (you clearly aren't dependent on him financially).

KeatsiePie · 29/04/2013 00:17

Wth? That's the conversation you had? There's no reason in the world to speak to your partner like that. If he is not normally an asshole, then is it possible that there's something bothering him wrt. work or money and he was taking it out on you?

What did you say? I wouldn't have been able to let a remark like that go.

Original poster

uhura · 29/04/2013 10:42

I was really shocked when he said it and prompted by your replies I spoke to him about it this morning.

I am not pulling my weight financially apparently. It's selfish for me to earn so little when I could go back to the city and earn more. My children don't need me to do the pick ups and I'm am indulging myself.

I am flipping between being devastated and being furious.

I was so proud of myself - I really stretched myself to set up this business, I now employ one other person, I win clients, I do a great job and I am making a professional wage. I do all this whilst still being there for my children and looking after the home and yet he thinks I am being indulgent and selfish.

OP posts:

OhLori · 29/04/2013 10:47

Just felt a bit sad reading your original post (not read other responses yet).

Starting a flexible business at home after having children and one that earns a "respectable" income, is no mean feat in my opinion. I think its pretty amazing tbh.

Being a "professional" isn't necessarily that hard either ...

No idea why your DH is mocking you. Have you got any idea why?

Just seen your last post. Can understand your reaction. I don't know what else to say.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 29/04/2013 10:47

Fucking hell, now I'm angry on your behalf! What an utter dick your DH is being!

I would work out, to the penny, how much your DH is bringing home per hour (making sure you subtract any costs of getting to work, buying coffee/lunch when out), and how much you are contributing per hour (making sure you account for the child care for FIVE children!)

Then I'd be telling him that his wage was pathetic in comparrison, and that he was indulgent and selfish by putting his power trip of a career over the needs of his family! Dick!

MrsMangoBiscuit · 29/04/2013 10:48

Oh, sorry, YADNBU! :)

skippedtheripeoldmango · 29/04/2013 10:48

How spectacularly unsupportive and unkind of him. Is he always like this?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 29/04/2013 10:48

Wow! I can't believe he isn't backtracking and instead he is telling you that you aren't pulling your weight!! I'd suggest you casually mention to him that it's a good job you are earning enough to manage fine on your own (and still be around for your children) as you don't need him and his sneering, derogatory attitude.

Loulybelle · 29/04/2013 10:49

wow what an arsehole, and a massively jealous one at that.

Loulybelle · 29/04/2013 10:50

what sugar says, leaving his sneery, jealous, twatty banker arse would be easy.

OhLori · 29/04/2013 10:51

Keep the self-respect you deserve for your fantastic achievements and keep going with that!

But I think another part of you needs to address him. Did you say anything back? Are you scared of him?

Bowlersarm · 29/04/2013 10:52

He sounds like a dreadful bully. Stand up for yourself, OP. What sort of relationship do you have normally? What a smug, self-centred arse, belittling your great achievements like that.

Iggi101 · 29/04/2013 10:57

What would your five kids say if asked if they actually want you there for pick-ups? If you are really just being "selfish" then presumably you're doing it all for yourself and your dcs don't actually want you there.
Which is imagine is bollocks.
It's good you are so enterprising as will help if you ever do want to go it alone. Or is it that your dh is feeling undermined by your success (no excuse though) - he has to work silly hours perhaps, might not see much of the dcs, and his SAHW is proving she can do it all herself..

anastaisia · 29/04/2013 10:57

What sugarmice said - you could manage just fine without him.

You can still feel proud of yourself! Lots of us are amazed at your achievement. My little business doesn't even make enough to need to pay tax after 5 years (Partly a choice about how much effort to put in because I also home educate so don't have school days childfree) but I'm still proud of it!

He sounds horrible (unless this is wildly out of character) and if it was me I think I'd start billing him for all the unpaid work you do in the home and with the children to top up your income.

Mmmnotsure · 29/04/2013 11:07

OP - you sound amazing. Your own business working around the needs and happiness of five children! I think your dh needs to get back into the real world. (And I do know it's easy to get sucked in to the city way of thinking.)

Apart from sounding really rather nasty, I am amazed at how smug your dh is being. I know many very highly paid successful city and ex-city people, and you know what - takeovers/mergers/antagonistic new boss/selling businesses or parts of businesses happen all the time. He may not be as secure as he thinks he is (lots of people don't see it coming). Then your own company, employing someone, working around commitments...well, it sounds good, doesn't it?

acceptableinthe80s · 29/04/2013 11:09

It's a good job you're running a successful business, at least you won't be reliant on him when you see the light and LTB. Though I imagine you'd get plenty child support with 5 kids.
Does he have any redeeming features at all because he sounds like a total dick.
Oh and I'd stop doing his washing/cooking/cleaning etc for him. Just tell him you have to work more to increase your 'pathetic' salary and suggest he hires and pays for a cleaner/cook etc..It's not like he can't afford it.
Maybe start billing him for childcare too.

Jossysgiants · 29/04/2013 11:14

You are incredibly successful. Your Dh sounds thoroughly unpleasant and unsupportive. Is this unusual behaviour for him?

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 29/04/2013 11:15

...as requested. (smile)

YANBU

and, yes, he is a prat. times a thousand

Mintyy · 29/04/2013 11:15

He sounds like a typical high-earning arsehole who has no idea how 95% of the rest of the country live. What a deeply stupid person he must be.

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