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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demeaning my salary

147 replies

uhura · 28/04/2013 21:16

I feel sad - I started a new business 2 years ago after being at home with my kids for almost 10 years and I think its doing really well. I'm earning what I think is a respectable salary whilst still taking the kids to school and picking them up. That was the point of starting the business rather than going back to work as I wanted flexibility.

Unfortunately when I have spoken to my (professional) husband about how well I was doing, he laughed and said is that all you're earning? (or words to that effect - infact the word pathetic was used). I feel really demeaned and can't understand why he is not thrilled for me.

When I got upset I was accused of over-reacting.

Tell me ianbu and that he is a prat please.

OP posts:
maddening · 28/04/2013 21:46

what doee your dh earn ft? Let's work out the hourly rate!

ElectricSheep · 28/04/2013 21:47

It might be because he is aware that you could LTB. Jealousy/feeling threatened imho.
YANBU

trianglesaregood · 28/04/2013 21:48

He is being mean and rather insensitive. If you have a built up a business from scratch and are making any money from it you are a successful businesswoman. He should be more respectful of your work. Sounds like he's jealous and feeling just a little bit threatened by your success.

trixymalixy · 28/04/2013 21:49

Good for you! I'd be proud too. Your DH is a dick.

ChasingStaplers · 28/04/2013 21:50

Your husband is an idiot.

Ps - can you let me in on whatever it is you're doing? I could do with a 'pathetic' self employed part time wage like that! Grin

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 28/04/2013 21:50

Wowy sounds like your doing blooming well, especially as its part time & your still doing the kids etc.

trixymalixy · 28/04/2013 21:51

Yy. I want to know what you do too!! It sounds like the holy grail to me. Working for yourself part time and a good income.

emsyj · 28/04/2013 21:55

I think if you started a new business 2 years ago and you're already able to pay yourself a salary that is into the higher rate tax bracket then that's amazing and you've been incredibly successful. Thanks

He is an idiot.

LimeLeaffLizard · 28/04/2013 21:56

Yes I'd love that as a part time wage! Tell us what you do!

He was very unkind to you to dismiss your success like that.

bbcessex · 28/04/2013 21:56

Hi there, I was trying to see how this comment/ view could have arisen in a non-intention-to-hurt kind of way, but I can't really see it..

How did it actually come up? Were you arguing? had you ridiculed how much he earned / how many hours he had to work to earn it, or was it something like:

You: blimey, DH, do you know that my business is now earning us >£40k per annum.
Him: "Call that worthwhile, that's a pathetic amount"

Any more info?

edwardsmum11 · 28/04/2013 21:57

You earn several times more than me and more than household income... he is a knobend

likeitorlumpit · 28/04/2013 21:59

hes feeling threatened bless him

fengirl1 · 28/04/2013 22:00

So if you added into the mix the child care costs you're saving by working around the children would you be earning more than him? Sounds like he's insecure and being a bit childish. Perhaps you could offer him the chance to be a sahd while you run your business full time....

TheCrackFox · 28/04/2013 22:03

You are doing really well with your new business.

He is jealous and feeling threatened. Tell him to do one.

pointythings · 28/04/2013 22:03

He's an EA (Envious Arse) and you should not put up with him. Call him on it, and if he doesn't sort himself out then it may be time to LTB.

Original poster
uhura · 28/04/2013 22:08

DH works in a 'prestigious' and very well paid job. I used to as well before I gave it up to bring up our 5 children.

My current business is based at my home and not some swanky city bank with power suits and stupid hours.

But, you very clever ladies, if I add on the childcare that we are saving by me being at home and compare hourly rates (as he works much longer hours) then I think I have a higher hourly rate!

OP posts:
Original poster
uhura · 28/04/2013 22:13

bbcessex - the conversation was really staightforward

me - my business is doing really well and I am really pleased. I am earning ££

husband - is that all. That's really pathetic.

OP posts:
pointythings · 28/04/2013 22:16

uhura I had this conversation with my DSIS a few years ago (and we are close). She runs a livery yard and teaches riding. She asked me what I earned, and I told her £x. She looked at me and said she earned more - but that I probably had her beaten on hourly rates, as she works 70+ hours per week and I work 37.5.

Anyway, your 'D'H owes you respect no matter what you earn, and I think that his unwillingness to respect you is a symptom of more serious problems. He needs to man up or fuck off, frankly.

SundaysGirl · 28/04/2013 22:25

Thats really nasty. I've never earnt much money as the area I work in is not brilliantly paid but no-one i have ever been romantically involved with has ever laughed at me or made out like what I earnt was pathetic.

I think it's a very belittling thing for him to have said. I wonder if he is threatened and jealous by how well you have done?

LemonsLimes · 28/04/2013 22:26

You should be very proud of yourself.

Let us know what your "d"h says when you tell him that once childcare savings are included and you compare hourly rates then you have a higher hourly rate. I think he was pretty unpleasant to you. Is he often like that?

bbcessex · 28/04/2013 22:36

Uhura.. I'm sorry to hear that - that's a very sneery comment to make. Not one I'd take lightly I guess. x

Talkinpeace · 28/04/2013 22:39

OP
I would suggest you work out your after tax earnings per hour and then compare it with your fragrant husbands .....
suddently the disparity will be a great deal less

Andro · 28/04/2013 23:18

It seems to me that the word 'pathetic was appropriate...but aimed at the wrong person!

Offer him some sugar to go with his sour lemons and make it clear that speaking so disrespectfully is not something you will accept.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 28/04/2013 23:19

OP,

I earn a lot more than my DP.

She,IMO,works a lot harder than me.

I wouldn't dream of sneering at her earnings. YANBU.

Spero · 28/04/2013 23:26

If a 'friend' said something like that to me, it would be the end of the friendship if there was no speedy apology and explanation.

I don't know why partners get a 'free pass' to say hurtful crap like this. It is completely unacceptable. He should be on your Team, he should be supportive and proud of you.

If he isn't, you have to ask yourself why. I would seriously question this relationship.