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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demeaning my salary

147 replies

uhura · 28/04/2013 21:16

I feel sad - I started a new business 2 years ago after being at home with my kids for almost 10 years and I think its doing really well. I'm earning what I think is a respectable salary whilst still taking the kids to school and picking them up. That was the point of starting the business rather than going back to work as I wanted flexibility.

Unfortunately when I have spoken to my (professional) husband about how well I was doing, he laughed and said is that all you're earning? (or words to that effect - infact the word pathetic was used). I feel really demeaned and can't understand why he is not thrilled for me.

When I got upset I was accused of over-reacting.

Tell me ianbu and that he is a prat please.

OP posts:
bollockstoit · 29/04/2013 11:16

LTB. That's all.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 29/04/2013 11:20

How horrid of him!

CorrieDale · 29/04/2013 11:22

Frankly I think you've worked miracles! What is your business? (Barely breaking even with mine so I know that what you've achieved is awesome. Literally. I am in awe.)

Snazzynewyear · 29/04/2013 11:25

He's the sort that gives bankers a bad name.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/04/2013 11:27

I work in the City and I think he is being a twat.

Ask him this - If you go back full time working long hours etc will he be doing an equal share of covering days off ill, holidays, inset days, school plays, sports days etc.?

After all if he wants you to focus more on a financial contribution then he has to focus more on supporting the children.

DH has his own business and it is great, he has flexibility over school holidays, we can work around children being sick etc.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 29/04/2013 11:29

Gosh. Poor you.

If sounds as if your DH and you do not share the same values at all any and this incident has highlighted it.

I expect this was not apparent per children but having children did change my perspective on what success entails.

I do value greatly being there for pick up and drop offs. These are important moments to talk about the day ahead/past and address worries, congratulate on achievements, well, just talks really.

It may to help at all, but... Well done, I think you have achieved a work life balance I would love.

tomatoplantproject · 29/04/2013 11:33

It sounds like he's an idiot living in a fantasy world. The city is a very strange pace to be right now and anyone who has their wits about them knows that true job security is very rare and that cuts are pretty constant and you never know where the next axe will fall. Areas that were untouchable have been slashed and there are very talented people out there who were reliant on the money to fund their lifestyle who have been left high and dry. AND as he gets older the opportunities for advancement become a lot rarer and the risk of being cut to make way for the next intake become higher. Fact. He may not have that many years left of making the money and then what will he do? There is so much competition for these jobs.

You have done brilliantly - earning £40k plus and employing people after just two years plus taking care of your littlies? You may hold the key there to security for your family in years to come. As a family to have several irons in the fire is sensible. And if you can be making that much now what's the potential earning power of your little company in a few years?

Finally, you put your career on hold to bring up his children. Why is he being so unsupportive of your new money making ventures?

maddening · 29/04/2013 11:34

Seriously what does he earn - I think you need to present him with a comparison and also how much you are saving in after school clubs, holiday clubs as well as sick cover etc

So
What is his net salary
How many hours does he work
What is your salary
How many hours do you work
How much would after school club cost for 5 dc
How much would holiday club cost for 5 dc
How many hours would you need a cleaner pweek including laundry and ironing for a family of 7.
How much would travel to work cost you?

Mumsyblouse · 29/04/2013 11:39

I wouldn't present him with a written comparison, I just wouldn't stand for my own husband belittling my career and work, whilst bearing him 5 children. He's taking the piss. I just knew he'd be a City knobhead (not all in the City are such, i hasten to add) when you wrote your original post, I recognise the lack of empathy and the over-inflated sense of self-importance.

I don't think your husband would actually like you to go back to the City and outearn him at all. I would just not have this contempt in my relationship.

Mumsyblouse · 29/04/2013 11:41

In case you are wondering, if I had 5 kids and worked a great part-tiime job earning top rate tax payer and he still belittled me and wasn't my supporter, I bloody well would leave him. That's not a joke by the way, there's nothing that upsets me (and I can put up with quite a lot) more than being devalued or considered 'lesser' in some way. He sounds obnoxious.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff · 29/04/2013 11:41

What Minty said.

Does he not realise that some families dream about having a whole household income of that much, never mind it being the lower of 2 salaries.

JenaiMorris · 29/04/2013 11:52

You need to look into the your rights regarding your home and any other assets, and work out the best way to LTB.

Be careful because if he's this much of a dick he won't be all noblesse oblige with his vast wealth and small penis formidable earning power, he'll be a grasping bastard who'll try and shaft you.

Get yourself to a lawyer.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/04/2013 11:52

If you start your own business and you're making a profit then you're doing well in my book. Especially if you're fitting it into school hours around the children. To be into the top tax bracket 2 years in is fabulous - well done you !
My DH could be more encouraging about my work (talk of "proper jobs" etc. not that helpful - anyone would think he'd been listening to Xenia Grin) Basically finding work that balances well with family commitments is bound to add to the challenge, and that should be respected, especially by your partner.

Andro · 29/04/2013 11:54

I don't think your husband would actually like you to go back to the City and outearn him at all.

Mumsy makes a great point with the above, how would he react to you earning more than him?

Earning a 6 figure salary (I'm guessing that's what your 'D'H is earning) doesn't give you the right to be a jerk/arrogant/vindictive.

morethanpotatoprints · 29/04/2013 11:59

I think twat is the word to describe him.

I would frighten him and tell him he is right and you are going to have a whole rethink on how to expand, create more business and run it like a real business with a turnover far exceeding what you have now.
To do this you will need him to share childcare, pick up, drop offs etc. Also point out to him how much easier it will be for you when you don't have to do all that and how he is proof of what its like to have free childcare for 10 years. Grin

JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/04/2013 12:00

Saying this sort of stuff when you aren't as a family under any financial pressures (I assume) makes him an arse. It would be more understandable, though still hugely un-helpful, if you were finding it hard to make ends meet as a family. If that were the case then looking together at what changes could be made might be important and sensible. But clearly that's not what's happening here at all.

NameGotLostInCyberspace · 29/04/2013 12:02

Change the B in Banker to W. The end.

Dollylucy · 29/04/2013 12:11

this is awful, sorry OP
you should be really proud

morethanpotatoprints · 29/04/2013 12:12

Hello OP.

Having read all your thread now, there is no way I would stay with this man. You have done absolutely brilliantly just to set up a business after a long term being sahm. On top of that you are making a great salary and an employer, this is really good and awe inspiring to others.
There is no way I would let my dh treat me like this, I would be offski. I do think demeaning you like this is bordering on emotional abuse does he do this in other areas?

Morebiscuitsplease · 29/04/2013 12:15

Wow I earn a lot lot less but my husband acknowledges that my jobs fit around the family and he is very supportive. Think I would explain how i feel and show him what your salary pays for as well as setting. Great example to your children. Well done to you, I think that is ace!

LemonsLimes · 29/04/2013 12:23

Wow I really thought he would backtrack and apologise when you confronted him. My husband would be so proud of me if i achieved what you have. Sorry OP. Sad

stopgap · 29/04/2013 12:33

You've achieved what most mothers desire: a well-paid, autonomous job, which allows you to be there for your children.

I wouldn't wish to judge your husband on the basis of one comment, but he sounds horribly snarky and self-involved.

WilsonFrickett · 29/04/2013 12:36

Shock at your last post. What a twunt.

As a pp has said, one way for you to increase your earning power is for him to do 50% of drop offs, pick ups, sickness cover, etc. It grips my shit when people men like this can't see that their stratopheric earning power is completely enabled by their partners. FFS.

So what do you do now? It sounds to me like either
a) he's under threat of redundancy - which doesn't excuse what he's saying, but explains it, as in if you were both earning the same £, the risk would be spread. (not that I agree with this, I think the risk is spread better when the two people work in different industries) or

b) there is a massive clash of values here about how you want your children to be brought up.

Have you discussed this (primarily his belief that being there for your children is 'selfish') before?

WMittens · 29/04/2013 13:00

I imagine it would only be a problem if your self-esteem is tied to your earning - seems to be the case for your husband.

Don't let it bother you, rise above it.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 29/04/2013 13:08

WMittens I'm not sure about that. To me it's a problem because it shows that the DH doesn't value the OPs contribution and values. And that is a bigger problem than how much either of them earns.