Dp eating Dd's lunch

[ImIBeingTotalyUnreasonable]

Dp always does this before Dd has had a chance to eat.

Today we got home at lunch, 19 month Dd is ready for a nap and hungry. Cue me rushing around cooking some spag bol. pasta for her lunch whilst 'D'p sits reading the paper. Dd is too tired to eat so I put her down for her nap. Meanwhile Dp has eaten all of Dd's lunch, which she would have eaten after her nap.

Now my question is what self respecting adult eats their child's food before they've had a chance to eat?! I'm sick and tired of telling him to give her a chance to eat before he eats her food. And it's not like we don't have any other food in the house either. It drives me absolutely nuts!

He'll occasionally give Dd a bath but won't dress her. He'll take Dd swimming but again won't get her changed. He doesn't do dirty nappies, just wet ones and only when asked. I have sat and waited for him to do it but I don't like Dd sitting in her mess, so I change her

Unbelievable. He doesn't deserve to be a father. Male animals often do more for their offspring than your DP does for his DD.

"He would not think to feed Dd unless i specifically asked."
That really caught my attention. Everything that is alive needs to feed; every human, every dog, cat, hamster, spider and fly. Everything. To not be able to see that - to not be capable of TAKING FOR GRANTED that hunger will exist and a child must be fed - well, I know you said your husband doesn't have learning difficulties OP; but something, something really fundamental is most definitely lacking in him. I don't know if that something is empathy, or a recognition that other people actually exist and matter just as much as him, or something I can't even imagine; but something is missing .

Spag bol takes hours. How do you manage to make just one portion? And odd that he ate it. All very odd.

nkf she was only making the pasta, she had a portion of sauce in the fridge to go on top.

Ok. Yes, very odd.

This is all a bit weird. At the risk of making you repeat yourself OP, are you sure there are no childhood issues coming to the surface here? To semi-hijack: I always had enough to eat as a child, but my dad had a bit of a thing with food so would often take food off my plate and kick off if I tried to argue. Once I'd made myself toast and he walked up and took it out of my hand! I don't know whether it's related, but I have a very similar approach to eating as your DH now, and sometimes find myself unthinkingly going to pinch DS's food (I resist though). Have you had a chat with him when you're not in the heat of the moment?

He's using you and you're letting him.

So he doesn't give her food unless told, and even then won't prepare it in the way she likes.

If you give her food he will take it and eat it himself.

He would rather leave her in her own mess than change her nappies.

He only baths her "occasionally".

I'm really struggling to see how you can possibly describe him as "a good dad". What does he do to take care of her, without having to be prompted?

Has he got an issue with bodily functions? Is he fussy about dirt?

He sounds like a Victorian.

What you need to do is this - make him a meal with his favorite pie (or what ever) and just before he sits down, ask him to get the salt/tomato ketchup etc and as he is fetching stuff, eat his pie. Do this every time he eats your DD's food and he will get the message. You may also be a few pounds heavier.

Alternatively every time he eats DD's food, serve the baby DP's main meal later that evening. Even if you have to whizz it in the blender.

I was wayyy off the mark then, and to that I do apologise for my comment if it pissed you off (understandably so)

I hope you find a way to get through to 'd'p.

Definitely not a British thing - this is specific to your DH.

I don't know how you put up with it tbh.

Thanks for all the responses. At least I can see that it's not me who is being completely awkward. Having spoken to my bro. about it he couldn't understand it.

We discussed his various food related habits this afternoon, I made it very clear what I thought. I said that had he behaved in the way he does early in our relationship, it would certainly have been a deal breaker for me. I value good manners highly, its the way I was brought up. Right now his behaviour makes disgusted to the point I have little respect of him. And he needs to make an effort or seek help because its not normal behaviour.

I really can't see these issues as having anything to do with his childhood. He comes from a wealthy background and his every need was catered for. I do agree where that he lacks empathy, he's often competitive with tiredness or illness. Even with Dd.

No issues with bodily functions apart from sitting, reading on the loo for 40 mins. Copes with dirt etc.

I describe him as a good dad because he provides financially, the rest is lacking as far as I'm concerned. He does interact/ play with Dd, just this evening he has read to her before bed.

wondering I think so too. And FIL is exactly the same. Not with food so much but his expectations of our Dd.

I wonder if he's just clicked into being his father for a while. That's really hard to address. I guess you have to find out whether he wants to be Victorian Dad at all costs of whether he wants to be Modern Partner and work with you to bring up this child.

Put it to him - in the end it's a lifestyle choice - it's that simple. He can choose one or the other but you only have one option unless of course you're Elizabeth Bennett and wander round the house in a frilly apron smiling demurely.

how did he react.

lost my question mark

It took DH a while to "get" it. I think you are starting on the right track but it will be a long journey.