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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp eating Dd's lunch

144 replies

ImIBeingTotalyUnreasonable · 27/04/2013 13:33

Dp always does this before Dd has had a chance to eat.

Today we got home at lunch, 19 month Dd is ready for a nap and hungry. Cue me rushing around cooking some spag bol. pasta for her lunch whilst 'D'p sits reading the paper. Dd is too tired to eat so I put her down for her nap. Meanwhile Dp has eaten all of Dd's lunch, which she would have eaten after her nap.

Now my question is what self respecting adult eats their child's food before they've had a chance to eat?! I'm sick and tired of telling him to give her a chance to eat before he eats her food. And it's not like we don't have any other food in the house either. It drives me absolutely nuts!

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 27/04/2013 22:30

He sounds hideous - the way he behaves means you can never leave your dd with him more than an hour or so, because he cannot be trusted not to neglect his child. Selfish bastard. Does he think this is going to make him attractive to you as a partner?! Disgusting

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/04/2013 22:32

No, he is not a good Dad. A Dad who will not feed his own child despite eating himself, and who cannot care for her for 10-12 hours alone is not a good Dad.

As Doctrine has so succinctly said, love is an action. He is not behaving in a loving way towards her.

Original poster
ImIBeingTotalyUnreasonable · 27/04/2013 22:33

I never pulled him up on the breakfast incidents. After I noticed it happening on a regular basis I made sure I told him to give her something. He complains that Dd won't eat her cereal but then refuses to make it how Dd likes it, will a little hot milk or weetabix covered with fruit purée etc.

TBH I'm unsure how to make it any clearer to him. I wasn't sure if it was a cultural difference but when I see our friends Dp's with their children I wish that Dp was a little more switched on.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 27/04/2013 22:38

Have you sat him down and explained his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to change? Where is your personal line? What will it take before you stay "This stops now"?

Original poster
ImIBeingTotalyUnreasonable · 27/04/2013 22:40

wondering my accepting of his uselessness enables him to be even more so. We had a big row about it a couple of weeks ago. I want a partner. Someone who is willing to muck in with all the unpleasant boring parts if being a parent. At the moment I do everything for Dd, I don't begrudge doing it. But then he's visibly hurt when Dd wants mummy rather than Daddy.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 27/04/2013 22:40

OP, can you broken record technique him? So to any whinges about breakfast, repeat something like:

"I have told you how DD likes her cereal. Why do you want her to go hungry?"

And eating her lunch:

"I have told you that is DD's food. Why do you want her to go hungry?"

Etc.

wonderingagain · 27/04/2013 22:44

Jesus he's visibly hurt when DD wants Mummy? Would you expect support from someone who eats your food and doesn't help you when you're hungry? Ask him this.

wonderingagain · 27/04/2013 22:45

And remind him that looking after your own children is a privilege not a chore.

Original poster
ImIBeingTotalyUnreasonable · 27/04/2013 22:48

stunt I think I'm close to that point now. We have spoken about it but he takes it as though I'm attacking him. Things improve for a little but then they slip.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 27/04/2013 23:04

Would he be open to parenting courses? Are there any friends/family members who could speak to him?

You doing everything is not an acceptable solution, he needs to start playing an active role in his child's life.

notsoyoniface · 27/04/2013 23:25

blackeyed he won't be in sole charge for a whole day. He would not think to feed Dd unless i specifically asked This has stuck out for me. I can't quite put my finger on why but it has. I'm thinking (and this is probably wayyyy off mark) but has he been allowed to be a father? Or is it a case of you do everything including feeding and he is expected to know everything without being told.

b4bunnies · 28/04/2013 00:22

leave him. if he'll eat the child's food he isn't worth keeping.

HoppinMad · 28/04/2013 00:29

YANBU

op you mention cultural differences, what culture is he from?

wonderingagain · 28/04/2013 00:55

My DP never likes to eat more than the DCs. He may be late with cooking meals but he would never eat their food. Even when they don't want more he tries to give them the best bits off his plate. That's what good fathers do.

But OP you need to give us a clearer picture.

Original poster
ImIBeingTotalyUnreasonable · 28/04/2013 09:46

notso Have I allowed him to be a father?

He's had the past 19 months to step up and pull his finger out. He'll occasionally give Dd a bath but won't dress her. He'll take Dd swimming but again won't get her changed. He doesn't do dirty nappies, just wet ones and only when asked. I have sat and waited for him to do it but I don't like Dd sitting in her mess, so I change her. And why should he be told? Tell me this, is a mother taught how to be a mother? I certainly wasn't.

I'm as bad in this situation as he is because I should have given him an ultimatum from the start. I have allowed him to be a useless so and so. I constantly nag him to do things but by god it's exhausting. I'm a practical person If something needs doing I'll do it.

He is British. I am not, although I have grown up here. MIL once told me about FIL also being as equally useless at home when Dp was young. FIL cannot do the very basics for himself. When MIL is away he lives on yoghurt and shop bought roast chicken because he is unable to cook.

OP posts:
rubyflipper · 28/04/2013 09:49

YABU.

Just cook up a larger batch so there's enough for DD and DP.

Problem solved.

CreatureRetorts · 28/04/2013 09:50

Not sure that's a British thing. More of a lazy fucker thing.

When DH looks after the DCs, I explain the routine and what to cook etc. he does it.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 28/04/2013 10:12

YANBU. I can't believe he'd make himself breakfast and not her. Sad

BlackholesAndRevelations · 28/04/2013 10:13

Oh and this is definitely not a British thing. My dp will always take the easy and less nutritional option Hmm but he will always feed them if he has to.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 28/04/2013 10:14

*nutritious

kotinka · 28/04/2013 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonMan · 28/04/2013 12:09

Also, reheating food twice is VERY bad. Don't do that. DH may have saved DD from food poisoning.

I went threw a phase where curries/stews were left in the pot on the stove and eaten say 4 times over 3 days. Say cooked Sunday evening and reheated for Monday lunch, dinner and Tuesday lunch. Never had any problems. (Fresh rice made each time.)

McNewPants2013 · 28/04/2013 12:15

Why do people even eat off thier children's plates, to me that is weird.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 28/04/2013 12:18

Can't believe people are saying YABU because you could have cooked for him too.

He's a grown fucking man he can do his own meals.

frillyflower · 28/04/2013 12:28

It's totally ok to reheat food if its thoroughly reheated.