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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that actually MIL isn't just insensitive, this is actually quite calculated and weird?

32 replies

gertrudetrain · 26/04/2013 10:50

Name changed because under my other name I've always said my MIL is OK and have defended the older generation of grannies who are unwittingly upsetting their hyper sensitive DIL.

I may have just become one of these hypersensitive DIL myself but am Hmm about a voicemail I've just received from MIL. Background: I have just been released at beginning of this week from a 3 night hospital stint due to a ruptured ovarian cyst and a resultant infection. Came home to DS1 and DS2 consecutively having D&V so have had 2 children at home since - toddler DC and DS 1 then DS2. Haven't had much chance to recuperate but that's life as a mum, no problem. DH has gone to work since I got out of hospital cos he had stuff to do but has been having D not V himself.

This morning I get a voicemail from MIL saying can you let me know how DH is please?! No mention of the x3 other members of the family who have been ill. Just DH. Now I know DH has probably been moaning about feeling off to his mum. I know she is his mum and she has every right to be concerned but AIBU to think that in the first place she could have asked DH to let her know how HE is, it hasn't struck him dumb. Would it have hurt her to enquire about the rest of us too? DH and his family are not the naturally caring types so I often give them slack for being unthinking / insensitive but this seems a bit beyond that. AIBU?

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 26/04/2013 10:52

I wouldn't over think it, tbh.

Just ask dh to give his mother a ring.

oinkment · 26/04/2013 10:54

Agree that it's rubbish of her.

Can't really say if it's calculated rather than crassly insensitive.

Have you got a reason to think she would want to be deliberately snubbing you and the kids? What would she be trying to achieve, and why?

msrisotto · 26/04/2013 10:54

Calculated? eh?

Thoughtless yes. Don't get hung up on it if this is the only odd thing.

DeepRedBetty · 26/04/2013 10:54

No, yanbu to be a bit Hmm. Does she often expect you to do the talking? Do she and DH normally chat on the phone?

When did you and she last speak about you and the dcs? Could she be thinking that you lot were nicely on the mend now and DH as the latest victim was the one to focus on?

mistlethrush · 26/04/2013 10:54

Hmm... I might be tempted to text back a response 'sorry, not had a chance to check as too busy looking after DS1 and 2 - pity the D&V bug has ignored my need to recuperate!

carriedawayannie · 26/04/2013 10:56

Just make a mental note that this is what they are like.

Agree with Christini, don't overthink it. You have enough going on right not without adding more stress on top.

She sounds like she isn't worth it anyway.

Ignore her. Get dh to contact her.

Hope you and your dc feel better soon, sounds like a rough time atm. Go easy on yourself Flowers

Original poster
gertrudetrain · 26/04/2013 10:57

I don't know. It just seems calculated by omission iyswim? Also she actually rang and left vm not the usual text. She usually rings DH and texts me. I think I am overthinking it, I'm knackered and sick of cleaning up sick so am a bit prickly I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
gertrudetrain · 26/04/2013 10:58

Ah thanks for the flowers annie Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
gertrudetrain · 26/04/2013 11:00

Deep I have no idea when she last got an update on me and the dc's haven't spoken to her since last week. DH isn't much of a communicator, told everyone at work that I was in hospital with 'a pain in the side' even though he had been told what it was.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 26/04/2013 11:01

My first thought would be what has your husband said to her ? If she doesn't normally call you I'd wonder if perhaps she has had a strange conversation with him . Personally I'd tell him that his mother has left a strange message and get him to call her .

Iheartcrunchiebars · 26/04/2013 11:01

Typical MIL! I have terrible insomnia started because if DH snoring. We were discussing once about the 3 stone I put on and the health issues that had developed due to severe fatigue. I said I wanted DH to go to Dr to discuss options about curing his snoring and she thought it was best I just learnt to live with it rather than risking his health...oh ok. As long as he's fine that's what's important. I think a slightly sarcastic reply might be needed along on the lines of....DH is fine. Unfortunately the rest if the family are not so good. Thank you for your concern.

Iheartcrunchiebars · 26/04/2013 11:01

Ok maybe that was a bit grumpy.

carriedawayannie · 26/04/2013 11:03

On a normal you would probably just brush it off but your unwell,tired,and having to hold it together for the dc.

Its no wonder you want a kind word and some sympathy.

She clearly isn't going to be the person to give it though so let it go and concentrate on feeling better. Its her issue not yours.

ClartyCarol · 26/04/2013 11:05

If she's generally ok then I would probably not make a big deal of it. However I would feel the need to respond something along the lines of "He's not bad, well enough to go to work anyway. DC1 and DC2 have been poorly though, and it's been a bit rough looking after them when I'm recovering from an operation, but we'll live [tinkly laugh]".

carriedawayannie · 26/04/2013 11:07

I was in hospital recovering from an EMC and trying to get to grips with bf'ing our first baby.

Dh came at visiting time with MIL and asked when I was coming home because he was hungry Shock

Instead of MIL telling him to get a grip and cook something she told him to go round her house and she would look after him and then cut me a look which implied I wasn't taking care of him Hmm

Some mothers and their boys eh

samuelwhiskers · 26/04/2013 11:08

I wouldn't think too much about it tbh. You've been in hospital, you will be a tired and a bit emotional (at least I would) and it is not worth over thinking about it tbh. It sounds as though your MIL has been fine in the past. Don't reply to her voicemail though, just tell your DH to phone her and if she rings you and asks how DH is, answer "I am much better since my admission, the DCs aren't though. Oh! I am sorry you weren't asking about us" or leave that bit out!

AlnwickRose · 26/04/2013 11:08

Eh? Teeny bid odd, but not that bad frankly.

YABU

Iggi101 · 26/04/2013 11:09

Maybe if you reply that dh is also sick, she'll then say "ok I'll be right round to look after the kids for you". (No?!)
I think hospital trumps d&v every time.

MagicHouse · 26/04/2013 11:09

It's insensitive, and a bit odd bearing in mind you were so poorly. There may be something on her mind though, who knows. I would be tempted to text back "Sorry not to get back straight away, as you can imagine it's been pretty awful here. Will get dh to call you, he's not too bad - has gone to work today, not been nearly as poorly as the rest of us, luckily, but thankfully we are getting over the worst."

Original poster
gertrudetrain · 26/04/2013 11:10

I've just emailed DH saying your mum has left a voicemail asking how you are. Will you ring her please? diddums poor you

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 26/04/2013 11:11

Sort of reminds me of my Mother in Law.

Every year, if there is a family event, say a wedding, or Christmas where everyone is there, or whatever, she wants a picture of "her family"

So she gathers up her husband, her 3 children, and their children (i.e my children), and has a photo taken. The people that gave birth to the children (i.e ME) are not allowed in the photo.

One year I joked with BIL about how she should just take one with all of us in but cut us out of it after its been printed Wink

The cow.

carriedawayannie · 26/04/2013 11:15

Lol Tatty my MIL is exactly like that.

Poor Dhs nan had a stroke. I wasn't allowed in the family room at the hospital despite having been with dh for 11 years.

LandOfCross · 26/04/2013 11:18

Yanbu.

How irritating.

DeWe · 26/04/2013 11:19

What about replying. "He's the only one in the family that is fine. Are you worried he's surrounded by ill people?"

AmandaCooper · 26/04/2013 11:23

Maybe it's just my MIL but I would think she was hoping he was well enough to go round and move some furniture for her or clean out her guttering.