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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel queasy about DD's video chats with her dad?

31 replies

Hrrrm · 25/04/2013 22:38

Thinking I might be, but can't help it.

DD and I are visiting family at the moment. She talks to her dad on Skype every night.

Her dad and I separated over two years ago when I discovered he'd been using Adultwork to do webcam chats and other things.

Every time DD now talks to him via video chat, I wonder if this is the view the escorts had of him (if indeed they could see him - does anyone know if this is the case on Adultwork?). If I told him how weird I find it that he uses the same mode of contact to talk to his DD as he used in order to see naked women, he would say I'm overreacting.

I'm not going to stop DD talking to her dad obviously, it's just making me feel weird.

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 25/04/2013 22:39

You are over reacting

Fargo86 · 25/04/2013 22:44

It's no different to him using the telephone, surely?

PatPig · 25/04/2013 22:45

YABVU

Original poster
Hrrrm · 25/04/2013 22:45

Well yes, I was thinking that, but somehow seeing him sitting there with his face all massive on the screen... I don't know. It's weird. Definitely need to get a grip I reckon.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 25/04/2013 22:49

Aw, I can see how it's freaked you out. Don't say anything to him. Maybe you could Skype your daughter occasionally - from other rooms or something - just to get rid of the negative associations...

Delayingtactic · 25/04/2013 22:50

I can kind of understand it but I think you are overreacting. What your DH did to you was terrible but would you have the same reaction if he cheated and used text/email/phone? It is no different in that sense.

JackieTheFart · 25/04/2013 22:51

It is totally irrational, but I completely understand where you are coming from.

OHforDUCKScake · 25/04/2013 22:51

Adultwork?

Finola1step · 25/04/2013 22:52

You are over reacting on this one. Sorry

Freddiemisagreatshag · 25/04/2013 22:55

You're over reacting.

Suppose he'd had an affair and shagged the OW in a bed. Would you ban DD from sleeping in a bed? Of course not.

It's not the same as the webcam sex he had/tried to have.

Or suppose he was sending filthy texts. And then decided when your dd was old enough to text her - perfectly normal texts about how was her day blah blah. You can't compare the two.

Nagoo · 25/04/2013 22:55

I understand why it's making you feel a bit yuk, because you have an association with the webcam and the betrayal.

But to voice it to him would make you seem irrational.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 25/04/2013 22:55

Thanks Thisis That's a good idea, might do that.

Think I just wanted a whinge about the weirdness of it all as exH has a tendency to pretend it never happened. The other day he said it would be nice to see me when I'm saying something, so I made a joke about how perhaps I should charge him, he actually looked surprised/outraged as if it just hasn't crossed his mind what kind of associations this might trigger for me.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 25/04/2013 22:58

YANBU to feel weird about it, at all. Your ex H sounds like a sleazy scumbag. And to see him use the same mode of communication with your DD must be strange and unsettling.

But you're just going to have to contain those feelings - do rant to your friends though Smile

In the long run you won't give a damn, hang onto that.

OkayHazel · 25/04/2013 23:21

YABU!

DP and I are long distance sometimes, so we use it for sexy reasons. I also Skype my mum.

Likewise, your ex might phone your daughter, and have phone sex too.

IT IS NOT THE METHOD OF CONTACT, IT IS THE INTENTION!!

Be angry at him, not Skype fgs.

mamaLou13 · 25/04/2013 23:25

No they cant see the person paying for the service.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 26/04/2013 00:05

I think you need counselling Op....it's a traumatic thing you've been through. I don't think you're unreasonable..just that you've been badly affected.

TigerSwallowTail · 26/04/2013 02:00

I understand why you're upset about it, but I think you're over-reacting sorry.

comedycentral · 26/04/2013 08:37

Woah big over reaction but I don't blame you for feeling she way you do.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 26/04/2013 09:20

I am angry at him, not Skype ffs. And I've had plenty of counselling.
He has done the phone sex thing too, and DD talks to him on the phone, but it's not the same as this somehow. Perhaps because we don't usually use Skype, so maybe it will become more normal the more we do it.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 26/04/2013 09:25

You are over reacting - and you know you are. It's understandable though. You seem to realise it is your problem and you aren't going to stop your DD using it to talk to her father so you need to deal with your feelings about it. Using Skype yourself is a good idea I think although the thought fills me with horror

SoupDragon · 26/04/2013 09:27

Actually, "over reacting" isn't the right phrase because you aren't actually doing anything. It's just an emotional response to something that brings up bad memories.

Original poster
Hrrrm · 26/04/2013 09:27

No, this has nothing to do with DD and she misses her dad. Plus this was our deal so I better stick to it or next time I want to visit my family abroad with DD he'll make it difficult. He's already been a bit of an arse about it.

OP posts:
Doubtfuldaphne · 26/04/2013 11:59

On adult work you can view the person paying for the web chat if you choose to. Most will as it keeps them there paying for longer.
Most stick a post it over the face of the client though!
I'm not saying what he did was ok but the webcam girls are not escorts - escorts will meet with men and its arranged differently to webcam girls.

mrsjay · 26/04/2013 12:18

bet your stomach is in knots and you shudder yo it isn't the same as what he did , do you have to be in the room while she chats to her dad.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 26/04/2013 12:21

I can understand why you ar freaking out as it is bringing back bad memories but I think you need to keep this one to yourself.. Defintley don't say anything to him.