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to have my own family?

140 replies

cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar · 25/04/2013 22:05

Hello :) I'm at a point where I thought I'd be married with at least one child by now but I just haven't met a man!

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with explained to me that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I have considered for myself. I made an appointment at a private clinic following an open day to explore my options and I have the money saved and it seems possible, and I am just wondering what others think. I feel so very ready to have a baby and would be so unhappy if I never got this opportunity but I am scared by what others may think and the step of having a child alone! But, I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

OP posts:

flossy101 · 25/04/2013 22:08

How old are you OP?


ArtexMonkey · 25/04/2013 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunnysInLaJardin · 25/04/2013 22:11

yes, how old are you?


DeepRedBetty · 25/04/2013 22:11

Someone else has run a thread on this not long ago OP. Will look for it and link for you.


DeepRedBetty · 25/04/2013 22:15


mrspaddy · 25/04/2013 22:15

I am going to be totally no help here but I do understand. I had thoughts of that going alone myself. How can you sure you are not going to meet someone?
I watched J- Lo film lately 'Back Up Plan'.. lighthearted.. poor reviews but really enjoyed it.
How do your family feel?


cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar · 25/04/2013 22:18

Ooh thank you for the link. I am 34.

If the daily mail said not to do it I'd probably want to :)

mrspaddy, I don't really have any surviving family, just one brother. We aren't estranged but we are not really very close as he lives a long way away and he is heavily involved in a sport which takes most of his time.

I suppose I just don't see myself meeting anybody!

OP posts:

PhyllisDoris · 25/04/2013 22:19

The sister of a friend of ours was in a similar position a few years ago. She went out and got laid, and got herself pregnant. Much cheaper, if you're up to it.
She never told the bloke, or saw him again after a few months.
Not sure if I'd do that if I were in that position though - but thought I'd put it out there.


freemanbatch · 25/04/2013 22:20

if you want the child and you'll love it and are prepared for how damn hard being a loan parent is then go for it. A lot of children grow up with only one parent without any thought or planning at all so I really don't see why you shouldn't plan to do it that way if you want to.


cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar · 25/04/2013 22:21

Gosh Phyllis ... no, that would not be for me at all.

OP posts:

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 25/04/2013 22:27

At 34 I was single. And imagining living alone for the rest of my life.

At 38, I'm soon to be married and have a gorgeous 6 month old.

You're THIRTY FOUR. Not 74!

Stop trying to 'meet a man' Focus on you. Get a hobby. Mingle with like minded people. It's so true when people say a man pops along when you least expect it.

I found it was when I stopped trying to find one and tried instead to do things that made me happy. `You have plenty of time.

My DH to be and I met whilst I was doing my new hobby - his hobby too.


cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar · 25/04/2013 22:32

wishwehadgoneabroad, thanks for the advice but it doesn't really apply to me, I didn't really come on here to ask for dating tips, thank all the same :)

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 25/04/2013 22:34


TheProw · 25/04/2013 22:35

If having a child is really what you want, you should do it before 35. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, it's your life.

Btw, I think you can work full time and adopt as a single adopter. You would get maternity leave and you might have to be flexible about the age of the child. I'd discuss this with your LA and if they say no there are plenty of voluntary agencies with different criteria.


StuffezLaYoni · 25/04/2013 22:38

That is quite a response to wish who was kindly offering her advice. Good advice actually.


PacificDogwood · 25/04/2013 22:38

I know one lady who did this - she had her son aged 45 after donor insemination. He is now 10 and she is devoted mother.

Good luck, whatever you decide.
Personally, I cannot imagine how hard it must be at times to be a single parent. Being a parent is the single most exciting and rewarding thing I've ever done, but also by far the hardest, most unrelenting and challenging thing.
FWIW, I had DS1 aged 37, DS4 aged 44 Grin.


StuffezLaYoni · 25/04/2013 22:39

Quite a RUDE response, obviously.


cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar · 25/04/2013 22:39

norks was the shock at planning to have a baby as a single parent? I would really appreciate any advice on this, but shocked faces aren't hugely helpful to be honest, sorry Sad

TheProw, thank you also. Unfortunately adoption agencies are reluctant to place a child with a single lady with no family to speak of - they like to see that you have support and since I lost my parents young, this would be another barrier in my way. I did attend an adoption evening where I had the opportunity to speak with somebody about this and she said that this would probably be an issue.

OP posts:

StuffezLaYoni · 25/04/2013 22:39

TheProw, is 35 the magic cut off point for women being good parents??


Dahlen · 25/04/2013 22:40

If you have really thought about it, are aware of the limitations and difficulties it will place on your life and you still want to have a child, via insemination, as a single parent, go for it.

Ignore the nay-sayers. Believe me, the fact that you are prepared and really want this child will put you head and shoulders above a lot of couples.

All a child really needs is to be wanted at conception and birth and with at least one parent who can offer a stable life.

Sounds like you can do both.

You may or may not meet someone. At 34 you are still young enough, but there are no guarantees. I applaud you for taking control of your life.

If it's at all relevant, I'm a single parent who's had no involvement with DC's father and I love it. If you have the financial stability (and that's important - I too worked full time from 6 weeks after birth), there's no insurmountable detriment to being a single parent and a lot to recommend it.


Cloverer · 25/04/2013 22:41

A friend of mine has a child through donor insemination. If that's what you want - go for it :)

I don't see why working full time would stop you adopting though? You could take adoption leave for 9-12 months and then return to your job if you wanted to.


SarahAndFuck · 25/04/2013 22:41

SIL considered the same but decided she couldn't financially cope with being a single mum. She is now 39 but was probably the same age as you are now when she first spoke of the idea.

She has her own home but she works full time, she would have some family support with regards to child care (although at a cost as PILs are a whole other thread full of issues), but she has very little in the way of spare cash and she doesn't feel that she could support a baby alone if something went wrong with her job or the house.

There are lots of things to consider, and you might be financially able but have another issue that makes you decide against it in the end.

But if you think you could make it work then don't worry about what anyone else other than your child might think when you explain to them how they came to be conceived. Single parents can do fantastically well and you know your own circumstances better than anyone here.

I don't think anyone will tell you it would be easy as a single parent, but if you honestly feel that you want to do this, have considered carefully and believe that you can do it, don't let other people put you off.


cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar · 25/04/2013 22:42

stuffetz it wasn't intended rudely and I apologise if that is how it came across.

However, it was a very genuine response, I'm afraid I "said" it in my head as a nice, friendly message - "hey, thanks but all the same not quite while I'm here." Unfortunately when you are single and have been for a long, long time people do like to say these things to you and to be honest it gets just a little bit upsetting having to explain that no, you aren't desperately flinging yourself on any man you can find and that you do have a life/hobbies but they haven't found you a partner - so then what?

I'm afraid I did sort of think that the fact I've seriously looked into adoption and fertility clinics was an indication that I am confident I won't be meeting a man - I'm sorry if that was not clear but honestly, really, I do not think it will happen! :)

OP posts:

SomethingOnce · 25/04/2013 22:43

Isn't it just the point at which fertilty starts it's decline to the menopause?


StuffezLaYoni · 25/04/2013 22:44

No, I'm sorry actually, you didn't come across rude - I've re read a bit more carefully. Just please don't write your prospects of meeting a man off too quickly.
I really hope you find someone to have a family with and if not, hope you can make this work.

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