to have my own family?

[cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar]

Hello :) I'm at a point where I thought I'd be married with at least one child by now but I just haven't met a man!

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with explained to me that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I have considered for myself. I made an appointment at a private clinic following an open day to explore my options and I have the money saved and it seems possible, and I am just wondering what others think. I feel so very ready to have a baby and would be so unhappy if I never got this opportunity but I am scared by what others may think and the step of having a child alone! But, I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

I'm a stranger who thinks you should do this if you are sure you can provide financial and emotional stability.

If having a child is important to you it seems mad to wait any longer for 'The One' to make himself known.

DH and I met at university and have had no issues conceiving our children but I have friends and family members in their early forties who are still hoping to meet someone to have children with or are coming to terms with remaining child free.

What you're thinking of strikes me as eminently sensible and I wish you the best of luck.

I say do it!

I also didn't anticipate how difficult parenting would be and I would personally struggle a lot I were to become a lone parent I feel. But you never know what would happen in the future and I do have some ideas on what I would do if I did become a lone parent.

I would suggest you think of what you could do if you did find parenting difficult and start planning your support network and strategies now.

Also I don't think planning a child this way is like giving up on a traditional family setup as plenty of lone parents meet new partners.

Honestly, I think go for it. Having kids is exhausting and relentless but wonderful and rewarding too.
My suggestion is to really think about what care will be there for your baby and child, because you will inevitably need to work. Make sure you can afford decent, flexible, attachment based care. Babies and young children benefit massively from one-on-one, long term care relationships so it may be worth investigating a local childminder or nanny, particularly for when your baby is less than 3. These arrangements are also more flexible (and can turn into baby sitters) than childcare centres or nurseries. But they do cost more.

You will never be more tired in your life than when caring for children alone and unsupported. Be aware of that.

Do it! I would not recommend putting your life on hold for a possible man to possibly come into your life.

I did it. DS is now 16 months and I haven't regretted it for a second. I'm 35 and there's plenty of time to meet a partner, but not so much time to have children, and I refused to just settle for someone to begin my family. If I do meet someone now, he'll just have to accept us as a package deal.

I say do it. Maybe give yourself another year to get yourself financially in a good position- think about how your work could work part-time or from home. Could you retrain, set yourself up as a consultant in your industry etc? It is harder to have head space for professional changes once your child has arrived. Try to save hard now or pay down any debts you are carrying around.

My friend went out at 40 and got herself pregnant deliberately
( I get that this is not the way you want to do it). She is now in her 50s with a great teenage boy and they are a very happy unit of two. I know there were times when it was hard but I think she would rate it as the best thing she ever did.

You sound very clear that you want the chance to become a parent. Good luck!

Babies sleep HEAPS. Often for short periods. With one you can get lots of naps.
I love being a mum. Go for it.

I think about this too. I am 32 and I know that is not particularly old but I really would like children soon. I do not have a man to be the father of my child and in some ways I have seen so many awful relationships within families I have sort of separated men and children in my head. I am not sure how I would go about it though. Someone had work has just had a baby by herself through insemination and I am trying to get up the courage to ask her! I think I just have a romantic image of a child conceived in a loving situation and it is hard to change that picture.

I posted about this a while ago and was told by some it was selfish if there was no father. I don't believe this but I think you have to make sure there are people in your life to support you and this should include some male and female role models.

The main thing holding me back currently is the fact I work shifts and I just don't see how childcare could possibly work. It makes me really sad but I do wonder about a nanny.

I would say if you want a baby then have a baby. Don't risk looking back in 10 years when it is too late and wishing you had done it. I can't imagine you would regretting doing it but you will regret not doing it. Sometime you just know when it is the right time. Good luck

Juneybean because it's relevant, fertility wise.

I say go for it, OP. Good luck! :)

I ended up getting married/upduffed at a fairly young age but if I hadn't, I definitely would have still wanted children and gone for it.

If you do, make sure you have some support. I know a woman in her early 40's who did this, and now has 1 y/o twins. Her mum helps a lot but it has still been hard for her (as it is with any single parent). You will most likely need some support, be that family/reliable friends.

But equally, if you have no support, it is still do-able. I'd say go for it really, you must know you'll regret it if you don't to even be asking
Just bear in mind the (small) chance of twins or if you have a SN DC, and how that might be harder alone than if you are planning a family with a partner. But again, it is still manageable, just something to think about.

Go for it OP. Good luck!

There is no guarantee in life.

My friend has 2 amazing daughters, was engaged and life was very happy until 1 day she found him in bed with another women and he turned into a shit father and no he has stopped even contacted them.

I think you have the advantage of knowing that you are going single mum and you can then start planning around that.

McNewPants - a freind of mine with a DD the same age as DS was happily (she thought) married, planned pregnancy. Her (d?)H left 3 weeks before baby was born, came back after about 10 months then left again permanently the day before his DD's 1st birthday. I think I can count on one hand the number of times he's seen her since.

Its not really an argument for doing it alone but it certainly underlines the uncertainty of life and I do think she has it way tougher than me as a single parent. I just don't have the emotional baggage to deal with.

Oh yes I also know someone who decided to have a baby alone and ended up with twins! She has really struggled, had PND, moved continents to be nearer family, moved back for work. Now they are toddlers and it's easier, but I think it was a nightmare at first.

That said, I've been a lone parent to one since her birth and it's just fine. She slept about 18 hours a day at first - it was brill!

OP I would suggest talking to single parents who are raising their children alone with no support might be a good idea, perhaps on here? I'm a single parent and have a lot of support. I love it but I don't know how I'd manage without my family.
Unlike Yika my baby was usually awake 18 hours a day, had severe reflux/allergies and was a very high maintenance baby.
He is however now a delightful 4 year old and the baby years seem like a bad nightmare dream now.

Other way round with me. The easy baby has come back to bite as a seriously feisty toddler! I'm permanently exhausted now.

Many thanks to everybody who took the time to respond.

In terms of family support, there isn't much of course I can do about that, they aren't around, that's just the end of it really, so I've never really thought in terms of not doing it for this reason as I can't possibly bring them back! :) Yes, it makes life more difficult, all the same I just can't get to fifty years old and not have had a child, I just can't.

All sorts of things could happen, I could have twins, I expect, in a way, to get PND, or at least some depression, as it won't be easy, but I do think I'll just simply have to make my way through it somehow and some way.

My child will have a secure home and will be so loved and have all their needs met.

Yes don't know why I shared that story about twins really, you will have your own adventure with your own ups and downs. Best of luck to you!

If you want to have a baby have a baby,

If you think it will be a huge mistake not to have one, then have one.

It's entirely up to you, and if other people don't like it, well tough, it's your one and only life live it how ever you want to,

It is very hard being a single parent, but manageable and fun if you get everything in place.

One of my children has a friend who parents met because when the mother wanted a baby, she found a man who wanted children but not a relationship, so suited them both, they are very good friends, live in the same village and have co parented, two amazing boys, they are a very happy family,

there are many options to explore, do consider finding someone who may want to parent, there are many men who have always wanted children,

good luck.

Imagine yourself in five years time not having explored the options..... hold that thought and go for it!!

I would do it if I were in your shoes. I really would and I would do it now before your fertility drops (I say this as someone who has had conception issues). It would be so awful to be desperate for kids but be childless in your 40's.

cry keep us posted, Id so love to hear of the eventual outcome to this [grin-].

I will do so Ducks!