to have my own family?

[cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar]

Hello :) I'm at a point where I thought I'd be married with at least one child by now but I just haven't met a man!

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with explained to me that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I have considered for myself. I made an appointment at a private clinic following an open day to explore my options and I have the money saved and it seems possible, and I am just wondering what others think. I feel so very ready to have a baby and would be so unhappy if I never got this opportunity but I am scared by what others may think and the step of having a child alone! But, I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

OP you havent been rude, clearly there are some very over sensitive people here tonight.

WRT insemination, I say go for it. Why on earth not? If you get a boy, read 'Raising Boys' its an excellent book and will very much help you in making sure your potential son doesnt miss out on the imperative male figure he needs in his life. I love this book.

Kewcumber, thank you, what a lovely story.

I wouldn't say I am worried what people think of me so much as I am worried about my child feeling different or singled out in some way and the fact that my parents are sadly no longer around and my brother is pleasant and affable but not really hugely close to me, means I cannot offer my child grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins or even a father. I do have lovely friends who have been very supportive but I suppose I wanted advice from strangers; my friends will of course urge me to go for it because they are my friends and want to keep me happy :)

I am sure I have time, but in all honesty, I am fairly convinced by now that my single status will not change and therefore it seems sensible to try now, rather than later when it's harder anyway fertility wise and there are no other reasons not to.

Thank you very much :) My consultation indicated my fertility was good and that IUI might work but I do think IVF seems to be on the whole more sensible long term as its success rates are so much higher.

I think I would opt for sperm donation if I were in the OPs position. I think it is a perfectly alright thing to do.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP

don;t assume all your friends will say go for it - I had a surprising range of reactions from mine. Lost friendships over it. And the people who say how supportive they will be arent; there at 3am when your child has thrown up all over themselves, you, their bedding and the fresh clean bedding you've just put on their bed!

Lack of family is a bit of a problem as can explaining to a child why they have no Dad at home - currently a bit of an issue with DS. But on the whole single parents by choice tend to have open and honest discussions with their children and they don't suffer the potential hurt and rejection of a birth father in the event of a break up.

Some people will think you are very selfish, some will say go for it. You need to be clear in your own mind that as a working single parent you will need to be both parents to your child and that does tend to use up any energy you have when you have to work as well. I have also had to work quite hard at making sure my DS had positive male role models who took an interest in him when there weren't many naturally around.

I gave myself a fixed time to think it through, talk to as many single parents as I good and promised myself not to make a decision before then. It frees you up to think but doesn't let it drift too far.

I would suggest doing a couple of cycles of IUI before IVF, as you are younger than I was and your chances are better. But certainly no more than 3. I did too many IUIs, wasting time and money (£1000 each).

I have spent a lot of time worrying that I may be being selfish, bringing children into an "abnormal" setting, when I can't offer them what a conventional family would.

But then I remind myself that being conceived by two parents together doesn't bring with it any guarantees. Couples split up, people die, circumstances change. My boys will never lie shaking in bed hearing Mummy and Daddy screaming at eachother, as some of my friends kids do. They will always know that I wanted them more than I've wanted anything in the world, and that I give them as much love a a thousand parents could.

I don't know what the future holds but I know we are very happy now, and I think that's as much as anyone can say really.

Thanks again Kewcumber. Certainly all my friends have been positive and encouraging, to my face at any rate!

Interestingly I have seen many devastated children as a result of marriage breakdown and am grateful that at least that much will not be an issue. Unfortunately many single parents (or at least the ones I have spoken to) do not present a particularly positive picture - it is very much of the vein that they love the child and of course would not swap them now but ... And of course, people are very quick to tell you the horror stories.

On the flip side of that, I am independent and quite used to dealing with things alone so in some ways see parenting as an extension of this.

Please don't skip IUI. At least try a short course 3-6 months. It is way cheaper and way less invasive.

I know I had a particularly horrid experience but truly I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy - general anaesthetics, horrendous bleeding, hyperstimulation. My eggs were in good condition there was no reason for the failures or each of the individual problems but really it is worth trying IUI first.

Number of clinic visits is way more for IVF which if you're working is tricky and if you hyperstimulate then you're in the clinic virtually everyday for scanning/blood tests.

Have a look at the Donor conception Network. They sell books for donor conceived kids. I have two for my 7 year old. I read them to him and he reads them himself too, so he's starting to understand.

yes I know several singles who have found DCN very good both at research stage and subsequently.

God, you lot have very generously written this woman's article for her.

You'll all be in the DM come the weekend

Thank you Kewcumber but even a short course would cost in excess of five thousand pounds; I have ample savings for this but I simply cannot afford to keep paying that amount of money.

Thank you too for the tip about DCN, very helpful.

I can assure you I am not a journalist but I now understand the Daily Mail comment on the first page.

I'm trying to work out how I can offer proof of that but I'm not sure.

Naughty Sh1ney

Matthew Wright then?

I'm not sure why anyone would think OP was a journalist, but even if she was I don't mind at all. I would love the opportunity to set the record straight about women who do what I did. I'd like the chance to remove the image of the selfish hard-nosed career bitch who deliberately left it too late to have kids naturally, then just rolled up at a clinic to have her pretty designer baby (easy and quick of course), and spends her days slagging off men! So far from the truth.

There have been so many articles about single women planning to families alone, I doubt she'd make much on it.

Cost varies dramatically depending on where you go - £1000 per IUI is the most expensive I've heard and I assume that includes drugs, you could get it for half that mount depending on where you live.

IVF with drugs will cost £4k+ each time which might put 3-4 cycles of IUI at say £750 into perspective. But your choice.

My friend did this. She now has a gorgeous 18 month year old DD. it was a long expensive process as it took a couple of rounds to be successful and her mum was a bit funny about the whole thing but now her daughter is here she is part of the family and my friend is doing great raising her alone b

You still have time to meet someone! But I wouldn't think it unreasonable to go ahead on your own if that was what you wanted to do.

I don't much care if OP is a journalist or not, she isn't asking anything particularly sensational (unless you think my life is "sensational" and I can assure you its not) or that isn't difficult to learn from any number of sources.

OP if you are genuinely interested, I would suggest you look at a forum run by the clinic I used. Google "Care Fertility bulletin board", and go to the single parent section, where I think there a quite a few people having treatment on their own. You don't have to be a patient of theirs to use the site.

I hope this doesnt count as advertising! It's just that I know they have a very active chat forum.

I'm off to bed now.

Oh and I still think I have time to meet someone but I had to decide what I wanted to wait for least - child or partner.

I'm off to bed too Imagine - DS same age as yours and doesn't work well me staying up too late!

Why do people always ask "how old are you?"

Thanks Kewcumber :) It's around £2000 with the donated sperm. With IVF it is £6000 but so much higher chance of success.

I am not a journalist and I am happy to provide details of who I really am in order to prove this, if messages can be sent on here. I realise there is still time to meet somebody but there was when I was 22, 24, 26, and I didn't.

Thanks for the advice about the forum :)