to have my own family?

[cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar]

Hello :) I'm at a point where I thought I'd be married with at least one child by now but I just haven't met a man!

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with explained to me that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I have considered for myself. I made an appointment at a private clinic following an open day to explore my options and I have the money saved and it seems possible, and I am just wondering what others think. I feel so very ready to have a baby and would be so unhappy if I never got this opportunity but I am scared by what others may think and the step of having a child alone! But, I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

Good luck OP. Go for it

Oh and btw you weren't rude earlier!

OP - firstly, 34 is SO not too old to meet someone and have a baby. The media is full of scare stories that make women believe that the day after your 35th birthday, your womb turns to dust and your eggs disappear. Well, it's a crock of shit. My brother, my mum, my BIL, and about 3 other relatives all wouldn't exist if it was that bloody hard to have a child after 35. And neither would my own dear DS - I met my Dh when I was 35 and had DS when I was nearly 39.

Secondly, I'm going to suggest something that you might not have considered: I think you should look into counselling. Whilst your posts have a superficially chipper tone, they are actually very brittle and you sound really down on yourself. It's like you constantly come out with this self-fulfilling dialogue that you can't and won't 'meet Mr Right', that you could've, but missed your chances when younger, so how could you now, when you are older, and so on. It's really negative, really self-hating - and really untrue. You are not the person you were even a few hears ago, never mind ten years ago. And as well, I bet you had this self-defeating talk running through your head back then. Even if you go ahead with solo IVF, you need to work on your self-confidence, because people will be tactless or even rude about you being a single mum, especially if they know the circumstances of your child's conception. Wrong, but sadly most likely.

I honestly think that you are focussing on the wrong thing right now - I think you need to put some of that money into working on your heart and mind, not your body. A mum who has little faith in herself is not great for a child.

Op, only skim read, 34 is soo young!
I know loads of people who have only met someone in late thirties and had DC very late 30's and then early 40's.
Then people who have DC early thirties are still having them in forties.

I know someone who is very down about this, and your bound to be, however, I believe you need to keep up the good positive vibes to invite positivity in .

Keep open, look at people who did meet later on and have DC, it can happen, up beat.

Cryhavoc my DS is donor conceived. I was nearly 41 and in a relationship. DP didn't want to have biological DC due to a hereditary disease issue and in any case, we were not quite there, relationship-wise although we did have plans to adopt in the future. I walked into a clinic and discussed my options which were basically IVF (due to my age, IUI was not really discussed) with donor sperm.

I talked to DP about it and started treatment that cycle, got pregnant immediately. We have DS, now 3 with a known donor. This means we have some details and, more importantly, it means that DS can contact him when he's 18 so he won't have question marks.

I know I was in a relationship and you are single, but I would have gone ahead anyway, whatever DP's reaction and like you had made my peace with being single forever, but struggled contemplating a life with DC.

BTW, when I say known donor, I don't mean we know him. The clinic had its own sperm bank of registered donors who have been screened etc. and agree to be identified at a later date.

I think you are making a very sensible and brave decision. I hope that had I been in your situation, I would have had the sense to follow this course.

You may of course, meet someone in the next few years before it becomes difficult for you to conceive a child. If you do, that's awesome. If you don't, you don't want to be looking back and thinking "had I just done this a few years back..."

Also, I know so many women in their mid to late thirties who are staying in poor relationships because this is their last chance to have a child and if they leave their OH, they don't have enough time to meet someone else (if indeed they meet someone at all), develop a serious relationship and get pregnant. The flip side of this is relationships where the man "isn't sure he wants a child", strings his partner along until it is too late for her, dumps her, then almost invariably goes on to have a child with someone else. Hideous situations.

What you are doing means that if you meet someone, you will be able to be with them solely on the basis that they are a good, decent partner, not because your biological clock is holding you to ransom. Go for it.

I think my posts have a chipper tone because I feel really happy at the thought of having a baby, to be honest - it isn't a front or a cover.

In terms of meeting someone, I don't want to bore anybody with a full biography but there is no doubt that meeting someone when you are younger is easier. You are right in some respects that having had years of bullying when at school and at home in some ways actually, as a young adult I had no confidence whatsoever in myself, and I have no doubt that you are right and that this impacted on me meeting someone.

However, I have made so many positive changes since then, I'm not blowing my own trumpet but from where I was, to where I am now, has been a real achievement.

Perhaps one of the issues is that I don't have the same 'need' for a sexual partner as others have, I would like to be in a relationship if I met somebody I loved, who loved me in return and was someone I respected and who of course respected me. But in the absence of that, I just don't miss it - I do have a lot of friends and a lot of lovely things in my life and am happy and content.

Unfortunately it's always difficult explaining this to people without them becoming convinced that you actually on some level are pushing men away, or that you are secretly unhappy single but I think a lot of that thinking comes from arrogant men who can't understand why a woman might not want to be in a relationship.

I have tried Internet dating, it wasn't for me - I am a slow burner and found it difficult to relate to people in the sort of instantaneous nature online dating is, and in fairness I obviously wasn't for the men either, I got little interest and a lot of the interest I got was from men miles away for some reason, despite it saying very clearly where I lived on my profile.

I am a horse rider, and am lucky enough to live on the edge of a forest and I meet many people through this. I also work full time, have friends/links through work. Never has even the sniff of a boyfriend come from these links, and I do wish people would believe you can just be unlucky, I don't think I'm some sort of bog trotting beast at all, on the contrary I am an attractive person, I am intelligent, have a very well paid job, own home, car, teeth. But I am not used to being in a relationship and it shows.

I'm happy as I am, but would not be happy without a child. I would however be perfectly happy and content without a partner.

Like as said waaaaay upthred, go for it!

I can very much relate to what you are saying about being content without a partner as I have had long stretches in my life without a boyfriend/partner etc and never really missed anything. And yes, of course you can be plain unlucky and not have met the person you 'click' with it and he could be round the corner. Then again, he might not be.

You might find that you will struggle with the relationship your child will force upon you: newborns/babies/toddlers are the most unreasonable, selfish, egocentric, empathy deficient beings on the planet IMO. And the relationship with your child is not something that any of us can walk away from - I could've cheerfully strangled mine on more than one occasion.
What I am leading up to, much as you sound you have considered your options carefully, I second OxfordBags for some counselling for yourself. You have of course already put more thought in to this potential pregnancy that a lot of people who conceived quickly and maybe accidently. Because you are going into this so deliberately and with eyes wide open, I think some exploration of your own weaknesses and strengths and desires would be useful. There is a danger that you might create a child to fulfill a need to be loved and that is unfair on the child. And you. Also having a child will restrict the things you can do - a tiny baby may be quite portable, but as they grow up they have their own ideas and some children are more biddable than others...

I am sorry if this comes across as hurtful or if I am overreaching. And I, like all other posters, am coming from my own experiences, inevitably. I have been married for many years, I've had my children rather late in life, they were all planned and wanted, BUT: it has been very, very hard at times, and I am not sure I would have wanted to do it alone.
Having or not having a child, is one of those decisions where there is no middle ground or compromise. I am sure a puppy would not hack it .

You sound v sane and grounded etc, but again as I said upthread nothing on this earth can prepare anyone for parenthood; it is the Best Thing, the Most Rewarding, but also the Hardest. I am full of admiration for single parents, whether they are single by choice or circumstance.

Again: good luck.

Cryhavoc people, however well-meaning, can be very annoying when they say, oh, you'll meet someone, or worse still the dreaded, oh, you'll know when you meet the right man. They are the same ones who will tell you, you'll get pregnant or you'll find the right job, etc as if they are somehow tapped into some cosmic knowledge source noone else knows about. You can be unlucky because I was - 39 and single after a series of men who didn't work out. I was different to you though, in that I desperately wanted a partner. Yes, desperately! I had long considered donor IVF but really wanted the whole deal. Eventually though I had to turn to it at 41 when the man I eventually met wasn't really ready and didn't want biological children anyway. He is now my DH and DS's father, but that is another story.

I think your last post shows you are very clear in your own mind about what you want so don't let anything stop you.

My experience of donor IVF was fantastic, mainly because it worked first time, of course, but also interesting, exciting and not painful at all. I think it is the failure that hurts most. I do know that it is not like that for everyone, but it is worth noting that it was for me. I bought 3 shots at IVF on a 3 for 2 deal and decided that if it didn't work I would draw a line under it and then always know I tried my best, if I didn't succeed.

The last thing I would say is that in the UK donors are not anonymous. The child has the right to make contact with the donor at 18, and to us this was very important. I have spoken to lots of people considering donor conception and quite a few have said they want to go abroad to get anonymity and I always think this is a bit selfish as solid evidence shows donor conceived children want the option of casting their eyes on the man or woman responsible for half their genes.

Feel free to PM.

When I had my IVF treatment, a couple of counselling sessions was mandatory, it was part of the assessment process.

It's easy to say 'you could meet someone and do it that way'. It's not always that simple. I met my husband at 35. We can't have children as he had the snip during his first marriage. I have a SD, but it's not the same. I had to make a choice, a life without my own child with him, or wait and see if I met someone I could have children with. I chose my husband because I love him.

I have thought of other options, but I couldn't cope with the disappointment if it didn't work so I have resigned myself to not having any of my own.

If this is something you will regret not doing then go for it. If you are sure that you can provide for a child emotionally as well as practically and know if you don't do it you will look back and wish you had then just do it.

I think you're great, OP.

I say do it.

It will be hard work but worth it.

Good luck with it all.

Lovely post Kewcumber. Haven't seen you around for a while, great to see you pop up.

OP, your life sounds very fulfilling, exciting, fun.
You will have to let go of many of these things when you have a child.
Are you sure you are ready to sacrifice all your freedom?

To be honest, my biggest concern in your case would be the lack of support you have. Having a child is just so exhausting, without any family to support you it will be so very difficult.

I don't want to sound negative, but why don't you explore other avenues first? For example you become a foster carer and see if having a child is really for you.

There are no guarantees, your child could be born with special needs, your child could be extremely difficult. My eldest has special needs and I really could not cope with out my DH.

Being willing to "sacrifice" your freedom is an issue that every parent has to consider it isn't something that is specific to single parents. In fact from my experience planned single mothers over 35 seem to have the least problem with giving up their previous life.

I was european finance director for a multinational ad agency travelled around the world first/business class and hundreds of people listened to what I had to say with awe and respect now I am a part time self employed accountant with no disposable income and I spent Easter in a caravan in the snow.

DO I regret it?

Not one tiny bit

Timetoask - sorry but fostering as a trial run for having your own is a terrible idea. Fostering is nothing like having your own children and would you suggest this for all prospective parents?

mind you it could be a solution to the shortage of foster carers. Anyone who wants to have a baby has to foster a 4 year old first.

Anyone who wants to have a baby has to foster a 4 year old first

Are you plotting to end the human race

If you really want to do it, then you should probably do it. But be aware of what you're letting yourself in for: being a parent is immensely hard work, and being a single parent with no support is very stressful indeed. Think about work: your child is sick, and has to be home from school. Who's going to look after it? Or when you're ill, and you just want to stay in bed, but you have an active toddler who can't be left - you just have to get on with it even while feeling you can't stand up. Be prepared, too, for not doing as well at work as you might want and putting your social life on hold for several years.

But of course having a child is rarely about making a rational decision - most of us do it simply because we follow our hearts, not our heads. And there are many wonderful things about being a parent. So I think you will end up doing it anyway.

TheProw, is 35 the magic cut off point for women being good parents??

I know this has been answered already, but I agree that fertility declines fast and that it would be a gamble to wait.

DW began trying at 33, began fertility at 36, finally succeeded at 44, with the aid of egg donation abroad.

With hindsight I would have done less UK IVF. They (NHS) told us their success rate was 38%. They should have told us that the age-related rate of success was (from memoery) only something like 12% once you hit 40. Considering the financial and emotional cost of each cycle, and the years lost, we should have gone for egg donation much sooner.

"Anyone who wants to have a baby has to foster a 4 year old first."

I actually think, that is a genius idea.
And would solve the problem of world overpopulation too.

to be fair if I was genuinely planning to end the human race I would have suggested fostering a 13 yr old. Just a cunning plan to slow population growth down.

But if you want to have a baby it doesn't matter if you're 22 or 42, have a baby.

I don't understand this "you could still meet someone"

What if she doesn't want to meet someone?

Sorry but I have a different perspective than most. Of course you have a right, OP, to have a child in what ever way you see fit but any child you choose to create also has a right to know both people of which they were created and share DNA, mannerisms, etc. To deliberately bring a baby into the world without that right smacks to me of selfishness and a me, me, me attitude.

Call me old-fashioned but I really do not get this 'I want a baby but don't want or need a man' stuff. Consideration should also be given to how the potential child will feel when it is old enough to realise it never has had or will have a 'father'.

a child of donor sperm in the UK will have the right to know both parents.

Yes of course you need to consider the added problems it may bring for a child having an absent father. But parents make selfish decisions all the time. They make the decision to split up when its in their best interests not their child, when they are short of money or patience and what motive does anyone have for having a child except selfish ones?

Almost everyone has a child because They want one not because they hope the world will be a better place as a result . There is no earthly reason in this country for having a child in fact its only going to add more pressure on the scarce resources of the planet and unless you have some special genetic quality there's really no need to perpetuate more average genes - if you or DH discovered a cure for something nasty and there's a chance your child may I will retract that comment.

Everyone should do the selfless thing and adopt.

You are all selfish, I am saintly unselfish.