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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends comments

32 replies

Moomoomee · 25/04/2013 13:02

I went to lunch the other day with my friend from BC (before child). Anyway I was kinda dreading it as they wanted to go shopping then for lunch which DS (10 months) was going to get really bored with.

True to form after a while he starting fussing about vein strapped in buggy. He loves to walk now and bounce around. So I got him out and carried him for a while. Then I asked my friend if she would like to carry him.
She said sure and then kept saying to him "if you whinge then ill put you back in buggy, I'm not like mummy". Then he was a bit fussy in restaurant, only a bit, mind and I kept getting comments like, 'oh mummy's too nice to you', 'you can't always have your own way' etc. I dunno I felt like he's only 10 months!! He doesn't know how to sit still for ages.

Anyway she couldn't get away fast enough and I feel a bit deflated as we were good friends before :(

OP posts:

Fairydogmother · 25/04/2013 13:05

People change and sometimes friendships dont change with them. Some people who dont have children find them irritating and as you've found you then feel stuck in the middle.

Maybe try meeting her for dinner in the evening and having a chat?

MissSusan · 25/04/2013 13:07

I am guessing she hasn't got children...?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 25/04/2013 13:08

I was also the perfect parent.... until I had children. Just ignore her, she will learn one day.

slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 13:08

moo I'm having exactly the same issues with a friend I had BC as well at the minute. I feel very weighed down and upset by it all. It's such a letdown, isn't it?

Omnishambolic · 25/04/2013 13:09

I'm assuming friend doesn't have children. I bet she didn't really want to carry him but was too polite to say no (I wouldn't have wanted to carry someone else's child round the shops myself either).

TBH you've learnt that shopping and lunch trips aren't a good idea with a small child (it's only going to get worse btw) - you knew that already if you were dreading it! Next time if you're going to meet her arrange to do it when you don't have child, and then you can do what you both want, or if you don't have childcare will have to be something different.

TheDeadlyDonkey · 25/04/2013 13:09

Most people are amazing parents before they have children.
Sounds like she doesn't know what real life children are like :o

Meet her without dc in tow next time (if you want to, that is!)

MrTumblesTreasureMap · 25/04/2013 13:10

Ugh I hate people who make comments like that. They direct them at the child because it makes it harder for you to confront it. Douches.

Pandemoniaa · 25/04/2013 13:10

It's always easy to be an expert when you haven't actually had children. Although in fairness, neither of my dcs were very fussed about shopping when babies so I think I might well have avoided that sort of outing with that sort of childless friend.

DiscoDonkey · 25/04/2013 13:11

Well you are friends but it's a friendship based on before children. Tbh her comments are a bit insensitive and (stupid)

I have friends a bit like this, I just always get together minus the children now and that works for us

VoiceofUnreason · 25/04/2013 13:13

Immediate reaction on MN "they don't have children". There are some people without kids who don't say things like the OPs friend just as there are some people with kids who do say things like the OPs friend because they like their own but not other people's.

Sunnywithshowers · 25/04/2013 13:29

What VoiceofUnreason said. I don't have kids, but have friends with children. I would never say things like that.

Original poster

Moomoomee · 25/04/2013 13:31

No she doesn't have kids yet but she's planning on them so I guess we'll see if it's different then.

Yeah I should have said that we could go for dinner without DS but it was during the day and no childcare. I've cancelled plans before that involve stuff that I knew would be a nightmare with DS so didn't feel like I could cancel again and I don't really want to be like "hey come to soft play" cos I know people without kids are like "what??". Lesson learnt haha.

But yeah it's just a bit sad.

OP posts:

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo · 25/04/2013 13:39

oh i get this from my mum.

it's an undermining tactic. maybe not so harmful with a 10 month old but if you dont assert yourself with her now it will continue and she will do it when you are trying to discipline him aged 3/4/5

my mum veers between telling my DCs i am too soft on them and too hard on them. she does it right when i am trying to deal with something and it completely undermines what i'm trying to do. ive called her on it and told her exactly what she is doing and that it's unfair but i have noticed her doing it a few times recently and think i'll have to have a word again. it is massively unfair to do this to a parent IMO.

you need to stop it now and dont be afraid of pissing her off. she's pissing you off without any concern isn't she?

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo · 25/04/2013 13:43

and i dont think the child being fussy (or the reason for it) is the issue. children can be fussy for all sorts of reasons, he could just as easily have been fussing if you were having a cuppa with her at your house. the issue is that she shouldn't make comments like that about your parenting to your child!

obviously try and meet her when it will be easier or wen you have a babysitter, but tehre will be times when he is just out of sorts or whatever and she shouldn't be picking holes in how you deal with him.

thebody · 25/04/2013 13:48

Just stand easy and wait until she has the baby from hell!

Ignore op and make new friends with children of your babies stage.

Tbh my youngest is now 12 and I would rather rip off my arm and suck the soggy end than have lunch with a 10 month old.

Horses for courses.

KellyElly · 25/04/2013 15:56

I had a friend like that. Was a nightmare when I stayed at her house with DD as she seemed to expect her to sit quietly the whole time at 2 and a half. She now has her own baby and has changed beyond all recognition . She's still your friend but she just doesn't have any experience with kids. She'll soon get a rude awakening when she has her own!

Justforlaughs · 25/04/2013 16:04

I'm a bit confused as to why you would ask her if she wanted to carry your DC. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to carry one of mine (just as well, as the oldest is now 20! ) Why on earth would she want to carry YOUR DC? It sounds like she doesn't know him very well either, so it should have been fairly predictable that he wouldn't be over the moon about it. If he was wingeing then I'm afraid that I think you should have taken him back and probably put him back in the buggy. As you say, she doesn't have children of her own so may not know much about children, I'd probably make arrangements to see next time when your DC isn't around, or go somewhere that he can run about rather than sit in a buggy. If you don't, I'm pretty sure she'll suggest it herself.

SacreBlue · 25/04/2013 16:05

I actually think people with kids that are well behaved are actually more likely to make these kinds of comments than non parents.

Someone with such a young baby can't be expected to have a magic wand, and it sound like you did your best, have to say tho if you had handed your DC to me to carry I would have been

GlassofRose · 25/04/2013 19:20

Op - BC did you ever have friends with children? It's always difficult before you have children to get use to the adaptions your friends have had to make... unless you've come from a family setting where you've always been around small children. In fact a few years back it use to drive me mad when those on maternity leave would pop back for a visit and ask if you wanted a cuddle. I actually had no desire to hold anybodies baby and didn't understand why anybody would!

I remember my friend being the first of us to have a baby. One of my friends pretty much refused to come to lunch with us anymore because she always "has the baby with her" but I remember going because I wanted to see my friend but it certainly was an adaption. Playing with her child so she could finish her meal and stopping and picking up conversations trying to involve her child as he grew older.

She probably meant nothing by it! Just mention to her that you were a little bit upset about the way she spoke to your DC and how much you worry about visits because lunch and shopping will never be as easy for you anymore. If she's a real friend she'll apologise and understand.

Original poster

Moomoomee · 26/04/2013 10:26

BC I had friends with kids and I suppose I never expected them to come out to things that weren't kid friendly. I used to work so much that when I did go out it was mostly to drink copious amounts of alcohol enjoy an evening out.

However I did see this friend a lot for lunches and stuff and I felt bad that clearly our friendship and the stuff we can do has changed because of DS now. Plus I always felt like I was cancelling because of DS.

I think I'm more upset because she always went on about how much she loves kids and babies etc and I felt she was trying to say that DS was just naughty and I was too soft.

Anyway she is a good friend so next time I'll organise childcare. I think it's best all round.

OP posts:

hairtearing · 26/04/2013 10:57

Some people are like that, even with kids, some people are just intolerant,

I had an incident once where I was upset my DS had hurt himself at his grandparents house because powertools, unstable furniture,nails,screws,lighters were left everywhere (I wasn't there) and my friend went on a rant saying it was their house and children have to learn! learn what? that he's likely to end up in A&E because because the people caring for him are too negligent to move dangerous things? well he lesson learned!

Erm, I didn't say anything and I feel very angry at myself I was too shocked at the rudeness. its very hard.

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 26/04/2013 11:23

I'm very intolerant of children. Mine are older now and I have no interest in spending time with small ones. However, I accept that if I want to see one of my friends, then some of the time her kids are going to be there. Had she asked me if I wanted to carry one, though, I'd have been and said 'Ermm no thanks, if you're sick of lugging him around stick him back in the buggy!'

As for the safety aspect, if a friend brings her child to visit, I don;t childproof my home, because I expect the parent to supervise her child. However , if as the post above suggests, I was babysitting in my home or whatever, then yes, I'd childproof, because their safety is then my responsibility.

StepfordWannabe · 26/04/2013 11:38

If you still want to do lunch with no-children friends, you have to put in a bit of planning before. Lunch and shopping is too much first off, know your child's limits! I always take my smallie swimming beforehand so they are worn out and starving. Then I give her a quick lunch, walk her in buggy to restaurant and she is asleep by the time we get there. This gives me an hour of peace to chat and eat. Then I go home and my friends go shopping or have more wine

VanitasVanitatum · 26/04/2013 14:18

I love carrying my friends babies when I get the chance!! Broody much.. She sounds like she was being pretty intolerant of normal baby behaviour.

pickledginger · 26/04/2013 15:31

This sounds like my MIL! She has done this with all her DD's children (but knows not to try it on DILs ) Everything SIL did was 'spoiling' her children, even when they were tiny babies. Now MIL and FIL are sure that 'starting school will be the making of DN as he'll finally get some discipline.' . DN is a lovely sweet natured child who's gone to nursery full time since her was 1.

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