To think that saying 'He really isn't that into you' under any circumstances is unbelievably rude.

[Callisto]

I've seen it a few times on here lately, mainly on threads where the husband has done something a bit thoughtless but in no way an LTB crime. It seems such a bitchy, nasty and immature thing to say.

It's blunt - sometimes we do an excellent job of creating "excuses" for men's having been a bit rubbish. However, sometimes you need someone to point out the truth. Hope that helps.

in some circumstances, it is true, though.

Under any circumstances at all ?

Really ?

Some people just don't have the brain cells to think of something original to say, so they spout the cliche of the moment. I've noticed that a lot of people don't even read the OP fully and give completely misconstrued advice.

Sometimes it needs to be said.

Well ok, some circs maybe. But often it just seems to be an excuse to be a bitch. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but it seems really offensive and almost like an excuse as to why the man is being an arse.

And Lipi - 'hope that helps'?

I don't think I've ever said it on here, or in real life, but I don't really see it, if said incorrectly, as worse than any other bad advice. And sometimes it might actually be correct advice!

You seemed to not understand that there might be circumstances where it's warranted to use it. I was hoping my post helped you. Hope that helps.

I've said it to myself on a few occasions. Good advice you just need to be more diplomatic with the wording.

Thread about a thread?

These days people do think more about whether the person they are with treats them well enough. Many people have read the book 'He's not that into you'. The concept doesn't mean that the person is undesirable, but generally that as you only get once chance at life then you should raise your expectations of how your partner will treat you.

Some people are bad at relationships with anyone and are incapable of putting their partner first or treating them well enough. When people say 'he isn't into you enough'. That is what they mean.

Actually I think there are times it needs to be said.

We can be very good at making excuses for someone else's behaviour. It's not rude, it's blunt. But it lift make someone realise they can do better.

*might

It can be said in a more diplomatic way, as squoosh says; & is best left to someone close with the person's best interests at heart, not casually said by an acquaintance.

I've known several women who were with men who obviously ''weren't that into them'' but only spoke to one (my sister); sadly she didn't listen and she got her heart broken by him the bastard as a result.

I don't think it can be used about long term relationships. It was coined when addressing some individuals habit's of excusing poor dating behaviour such as not returning calls/texts and clearly not about long term marriage.

eh. I've thought it, especially in threads where someone says she's given a guy her number and he still hasn't rung after (whatever amount of time). One way or the other, either he's just not that into you, or he's chickened out, but one way or the other I don't think you need to listen to the over twenty people on the thread saying "aww I'm sure he'll ring, give him time, it's tough taking that first step." No, just move on, if he rings you after a week tbh just let it be a pleasant surprise.

But I've never said it, ofc. :)

I'm pretty sure I've posted that phrase, but not (I think) on threads about LTRs. It's useful shorthand (seeing as many people have heard of the book), and can answer the question asked when it's 'why does he do that?' about weird behaviour in a newer relationship.

I saw it on the tennis thread and thought it was an incredibly shit and pointless thing to say.

yabu

sometimes, it mught be what people need to hear

maybe not on MN, in RL....

I think it's sometimes deployed here as a way to be hurtful or spiteful rather than helpful.

if the question is something like 'I went on a date with a guy last Wednesday, it's now Monday and I haven't heard anything from him', then telling the poster 'he's just not that into you' is probably warranted.

But I thought people saying it on that tennis thread for example was just a bit cruel. And possibly damaging. If I were that OP I'd feel really upset and would possibly be asking questions of my relationship that weren't necessary. Just because of some mean people.

It's not a saying that should apply to a LTR. It's just about the dating stage, as others have pointed out.

It can be said in a bitchy way [on here at least] but it can be true and certainly has it's place.

I've said it to myself on a few occasions

Me too - it's mean and blunt but sometimes it needs to be said. It can save a lot of time spent over thinking where did it go wrong?

I did see it on the Wimbledon thread ... and just thought ouch, that's way too harsh.

There a different between someone who you've been on a couple of dates with and a life partner.