To think that saying 'He really isn't that into you' under any circumstances is unbelievably rude.

[Callisto]

I've seen it a few times on here lately, mainly on threads where the husband has done something a bit thoughtless but in no way an LTB crime. It seems such a bitchy, nasty and immature thing to say.

I think that on the wimbledon thread it was said because the OP isn't yet tied to this man and may still be at the stage where she could decide that actually, she could do better.

I certainly would never say anything like that to be cruel

I agree with April's comment; the Wimbledon thread's 'He's just not that...' came across as harsh, lazy and unmerited.

When someone doesn't return your feelings, the moment of realisation is very painful. I have no idea how this could be said so carelessly. Perhaps it is partly justified when one considers that a short, sharp wakeup call will save the OP time, effort and further pain over the longer term (surely one of the gospels in the LTB Bible). I'd like to think the Wimbledon poster's 'he's just...' comment is an embarrassment to the pillars of the Relationships board.

But it's foolish to put anything you care about before the AIBU wolves. Some embittered hormonal posters seem to bite first and think later.

I think it's good & oh how I wished someone had said it to me in the past.

The bottom line is, men that are interested in you, aren't mean, they don't stand you up/ring when they say/talk to you in the pub over their friends & treat you with respect.

When I think of the time & energy I wasted trying to change myself so they would like me .

Ps sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

'When someone doesn't return your feelings, the moment of realisation is very painful.'

I don't think the phrase means that though - I may be in the minority. Mostly when people say it what they mean is that the person isn't treating you right. The person they are talking about would probably be the same with anyone.

It depends how well you know the person if it was a close friend or my sister I would say it but not on mn.

Saying it to someone you don't really know is like miranda in satc going up to the girls on the steps and says it and their faces

On mn it's up there with when am op says their dp/dh is being distant and someone always asks if there's another woman.

I've said it to myself and I was right.

Also it doesn't necessarily mean he's done something terrible or is abusive. Just that an action or pattern of behaviour clearly demonstrates that he's well... 'not that in to you'

lottieandmia I never called anyone cruel. I just don't think saying that was appropriate on that thread.

I think it's only appropriate if you've been on a couple of dates and suddenly he's too busy to see you again and doesn't reply to a text - not someone you are talking about spending your life with.

I'm not saying we should sugarcoat it for the OP. But theres better ways of putting it than that.

lottie Maybe that's the problem; the phrase taken be taken different ways. MmeThenardier seems to take it 'my' way and others, your way.

I agree with its use on the tennis thread being unwarranted.

There is a lot of brilliant heartfelt relationship advice on MN. There are also a small proportion of people who are either pot-stirrers, or incredibly thoughtless.

Also, I don't think having the four letters A,I,B and U on top of the page is any excuse for being arsey or unkind, even if you do disagree with the OP.

can be taken, sorry

Some women tie themselves in knots wondering if their new boyfriend has issues, can't trust, can't express their feelings, whatever. Women (and I include my past self in that) make right tits of themselves sometimes overthinking and analysing and excusing shitty inconsiderate behaviour. This is a handy if overly blunt wake up. If a man really likes a woman he somehow manages to not act like a dick to her.

AGREE!!! If you're having to ask why he's doing this/not doing this/saying that/not doing that...he's clearly not that into you End of!

There are also a small proportion of people who are either pot-stirrers, or incredibly thoughtless.

^ This. I witnessed on another thread recently people telling the OP she was obviously a "crap shag"

I think the OP replied that she felt so worthless now.

People need to realise that this is someone actual life and you could potentially be the straw that breaks the camels back.

I don't associate it with husbands who may do an unattentive or selfish act.
I associate it with someone who just started dating/ new boyfreind and they are clearly much more into the person than the person is into them.
In which case it it totally appropriate. And I do not consider it rude.
It is harsh. But the truth. And sometimes people need it spelt out to them.

I read it on a thread last night and thought what a bloody stupid thing to post. It's just something that people post without thought imo.

"why is this bugging me. Am I just being a dick" in AIBU is the tennis thread.

Or should I say the thread that this is about.

I think 'He's just not that into you' needs to be said MORE!

Again and again women are making excuses for frankly unsatisfactory and lacklustre treatment.

The day we realise our worth and put a stop to putting up with inadequacy will be a joyous day indeed.

I am having to take my own medicine here, telling myself that I AM worth more, and will end a relationship this weekend because he's told me in a number of ways, that I'm not important enough for him to want to plan to see, to be with and/or move life around to see, or put me first sometimes.

If I ignore this, carry on, turn a blind eye, I'll be the one being damaged, and he'll be OK, cos he told me upfront.

I'm worth more. I deserve Happy.

Hissy - I like your post! We shouldn't put up with half arsed men.
A bit of tough love, given by a friend can be just what you need to stop wallowing or wasting your time.
I was feeling terribly sorry for myself after a boyfriend finished with me, my BEST friend, after hearing my tale of woe simply said 'file it under D' - '?' said I, 'D for DUMPED' and then she laughed like a drain. It made me laugh too and cheered me up no end.