Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel for friend who is ttc in private

33 replies

changedmynametoomanytimes · 19/04/2013 11:20

I have a friend whom I am willing to get pregnant as she has openly been trying since she married (over 2 years ago) and within our group of friends we keep her upbeat and support her when she needs us.

I also have a friend who I think is trying to concieve (she said something hinting at it whilst on a night out and I'm sure she doesn't remember telling me!) - yet because she's (I think!) keeping it quiet, it must eat her up inside when we're all consoling the other friend

I want her to confide in me, but at the same time I don't want to bring it up as she may regret she sort of told me ...

What do you think?

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 19/04/2013 11:31

Seeing you all support the other friend surely shows her support is there if she wants it. Since she still hasn't said anything, I expect this friend prefers to keep it private. Perhaps her DH wants it that way, who knows?

I really wouldn't bring it up. Let her tell you if she wants to/in her own good time.

Floggingmolly · 19/04/2013 11:33

If she wanted you to know, she'd tell you. I've never understood why TTC should be a spectator sport, tbh...

Original poster
changedmynametoomanytimes · 19/04/2013 11:35

I will EldritchCleavage

And Floggingmolly - I totally agree with you! In fact I down right lied about ttc as I didn't want every pound I gained/alcoholic drink I avoided to be considered a 'sign' I was pregnant. And when it did happen - I just went into hiding for 12 weeks Grin

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 19/04/2013 11:37

Perhaps watching your mutual friend experiencing this "publicly" for the last two years has convinced her she doesn't want people consoling her about it? People are different in what they do or don't want to share with their friends.

Or maybe she thinks it will be awkward if she gets pg first, and make your other friend feel worse? This way, if it happens it can just be a "surprise" and there doesn't need to be any comparison, even in their heads.

ClearlyDad · 19/04/2013 11:47

Well, this is a tricky one.

It is difficult watching friends, especially those you care about going through the pain of wanting to be a parent, but not being in the right place in their life to get there. I fully understand your desire to step in and be a good friend and in some way a hero to these women.

However, I feel you could be inadvertently lining yourself up for a lot of pain. If you know the kid(s) are yours you'll have feelings (especially as, by your own admission above, you're a good guy who likes helping people and being involved), but may not be able to be a full parent to the children.

I think I'd be sympathetic, but not actively involved in this.

Minty82 · 19/04/2013 11:56

Er, Clearlydad, I think you just posted in the wrong thread. Either that or you really got the wrong end of the stick...

Tingalingle · 19/04/2013 11:58

i think the phrase 'willing to get pregnant' is responsible for some confusion here...

Original poster
changedmynametoomanytimes · 19/04/2013 12:00

Grin @Clearlydad - erm do you think I want to step up and be a surrogate?

No!!!

I admire the women who can do that - but hell no! I'd have had mine delivered by the stork if it would have been an option!

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmynametoomanytimes · 19/04/2013 12:01

Tingalingle - thanks for pointing that out Grin

Edit: I am very much hoping my friend gets pregnant by her husband very soon! :)

OP posts:
Minty82 · 19/04/2013 12:04

Hahaha! It's like an optical illusion - I had to read it five times before I could see there was any ambiguity at all, and now I can't see it any other way.
Anyway, sorry OP. I agree that if your friend wanted it to be up for discussion she'd tell you. Just continue to be generally supportive and if she wants to share she will.

Iheartpasties · 19/04/2013 12:08

arf

ClearlyDad · 19/04/2013 12:12

Observers are right... it was the phrase "willing to get pregnant"... which I envisaged being followed shortly after by the old show stopper "brace yourself Gladys!"

Fakebook · 19/04/2013 12:17

I also thought you were going to donate our sperm behind her husbands back of something.

If your other friend is TTC in private then let her be and I don't even know why you're speculating or thinking about it. Ugh.

YoniMitchell · 19/04/2013 12:25

I also thought your opening line was you offering your (ahem) services!

But as it's not, I'd suggest you keep quiet on the subject of your friend who isn't openly discussing her sex life and success/lack of success/whatever with you. Some people want to talk about their attempts to start a family, others don't. I'm sure she sees the support you're offering your other friend and knows she can also come to you if she wants.

OTOH, maybe it's the constant discussion of the other friend's TTC that's making her NOT want to talk to you about it.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 19/04/2013 12:28

The trouble with keeping it secret is that you open yourself up to all kinds of speculation, but that's her choice. She'll confide in you if she wants to. She knows the support is there.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 19/04/2013 12:33

I TTC'd in private - I honestly thought most people did. I also honestly wasn't secretly yearning to tell anyone.

In the nicest possible way, leave them to it. :)

AMumInScotland · 19/04/2013 13:12

I have to say I find it odd to share with friends that you are TTC, unless it's something that you have been trying unsuccessfully for a while, and/or your desire for children comes up naturally in conversation. I just never felt the need to discuss how often DH and I were having sex, or whether or not we were using contraception. We told people when I got pregnant. I don't think anyone was hugely surprised, since it was about a year after we got married so statistically we were not unusual. But the idea of announcing that we were trying would have seemed over-sharing.

But then I got pg in the first full month I was off the Pill, so it's not like a 2-year effort.

WMittens · 19/04/2013 13:19

I would hope everyone TTC in private; TTC in public is just asking to get arrested.

elliejjtiny · 19/04/2013 14:17

We didn't tell people we were TTC, although maybe it's different if you've been ttc a long time. We've also not made it public that the baby I'm pregnant with is going to be our last one, because if we have a contraception failure everyone will know. Mind you, if it's public knowledge that you're ttc at least you won't get "was it planned?" as a response when you announce the pregnancy!

Crinkle77 · 19/04/2013 16:13

Perhaps she does not want people to know she is trying ttc. She probably does not want people talking about it and asking questions and having people feel sorry for her is it does not happen.

TeddyBare · 19/04/2013 16:19

Did anyone else read the first line as the op offering to impregnate a friend? I was expecting a far more outlandish op from that beginning.

valiumredhead · 19/04/2013 17:24

I have a friend whom I am willing to get pregnant

Eh? Confused

Are you a man offering to be sperm donor or are you willing to be a surrogate?

I have read and re read your post OP and it makes no sense Grin

LadyVoldemort · 19/04/2013 17:28

I'd leave her to it tbh. We have a friends who told EVERYONE they were TTC just after they got married, 3 years on and there's still no baby. I've heard bitching about them from a few other couples :( bless them, they were so excited at first but you can see its getting them down now cos people still keep asking and speculating.

bollockstoit · 19/04/2013 17:29

I didn't tell anyone we were TTC, I find it a bit yucky when people do really.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 19/04/2013 17:46

leave her be. she'll aproach you if she wants too. not everyone wants to talk about it or let people know. i dont understand the need for others to ask/comment/guess or help etc

been 4yrs here and only dh (obvs!) and dm know for sure. people speculate and ask us all the time and its horrid. tempted to tell them we cant have children just to shut them up... feel like thats the truth anyway Sad

Swipe left for the next trending thread