to feel for friend who is ttc in private

[changedmynametoomanytimes]

I have a friend whom I am willing to get pregnant as she has openly been trying since she married (over 2 years ago) and within our group of friends we keep her upbeat and support her when she needs us.

I also have a friend who I think is trying to concieve (she said something hinting at it whilst on a night out and I'm sure she doesn't remember telling me!) - yet because she's (I think!) keeping it quiet, it must eat her up inside when we're all consoling the other friend

I want her to confide in me, but at the same time I don't want to bring it up as she may regret she sort of told me ...

What do you think?

[EuroShaggleton]

I agree with the advice to leave her be (and whatever you do, don't try to impregnate her ).

I've chosen to be open about our ttc woes and for the most part haven't regretted it (although I think some friends were more excited than me about IVF test day...) but many long termers over on the conception boards have kept it private, and I completely understand why they would want to.

[PicaK]

I don't think it's something you need to force out of her.

For me it was hugely beneficial to share the pit of nastiness that is ttc and ivf etc. (Glad my friends didn't tell me it was "yucky".)

But other people feel as much need to keep it private. There's no right or wrong way - whatever gets you through.

[Essexgirlupnorth]

I didn't tell anyone we were TTC apart from my GP after we had been trying a year. No one else's business in my opinion. I knew I had PCOS so would take longer so didn't want everyone asking all the time
Told one friend after she said did I still want kids and I replied yes if I ever get pregnant (was after 16 months and got pregnant that month).
I would just leave her be if she wants to share with you she will.

[bollockstoit]

PicaK, sorry, I didn't mean that it was yucky if someone is having trouble conceiving and wants to share it with their friends and get support, I phrased that rather badly. I meant for people who have no problems, I just find it a bit weird as if they are telling people they are shagging . Friends asking for and receiving support is far from yucky.

[OkayHazel]

I would be so offended if someone wanted to know if I was trying or not! How nosey!

[lurkerspeaks]

I've seen a number of friends experience fertility difficulties. Some have kept it quiet (which was their choice) this has advantages - you aren't in a goldfish bowl of expectation and disadvantages the endless "do you not want kids?" from insensitive friends /aged relatives.

Others have been much more open e.g I knew a friend was having her eggs harvested on Monday so was delighted to get a text telling me they have embryos today. However this openness only appeared after a car crash meltdown from both her and her partner after another friend spectacularly mishandled their baby news (even I who ambivalent about having my own kids ended up in tears in the kitchen as it was such an amazing display of smuggery.)

This openness also has advantages & disadvantages. Personally i'd be open but that is me. I fully accept other friends choices too and in general try to be v. Cautious around about pregnancy in general. As my social circle gets older people are gradually accepting that while their baby news is FAB and really exciting certain members of the group need a little warning /time to process their own emotions before they can produce a genuinely happy response for the couple concerned.

I wouldn't expect anyone except my very closest friends to tell me they were TTC under normal (ie no fertility issues) circumstances. Even amongst my very oldest friends that can sometimes stray into TMI!

[PicaK]

bollockstoit - oh i see what you mean! Yes i might well share your view in that case.

[Minshu]

I seem to tell people now. "Are you going to give your daughter a baby brother or sister? It's selfish to only have one! " type comments force me to defend myself by explaining that it's not a "choice". FFS I don't want to tell people about my sex life, but feel forced to explain that we've been trying for 2 fucking years and I'm fucking sick of it. So glad I have my beautiful DD. It took a while to get pg first time, which was far harder, to be fair.

Excuse the rant, AF turned up this afternoon