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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not remind dd dad, my x about her up coming dance show?

45 replies

Needsgoodadvice · 18/04/2013 01:21

Should i remind him of dance show she is in, as tickets go on sale soon? We are not on good terms at the mo, however i dont feel it it always up to me to remind him about stuff that he should be putting his own effort in to remember. I must point out he does know when show is as dd gave him the letter about it and he said he put date in his diary. He never comes to anything either of the kids do, mostly because he 'forgets' or is at work, neither of which i feel are good enough excuses to use all of the time! Surely its not up to me be organising a grown man? AIBU?

OP posts:
DearJohnLoveSavannah · 18/04/2013 01:26

I think the fact that you're questioning it should be reason enough to remind him.

I get that you're not on good terms but I'm sure your DD would love to have her dad there.

Remind him but also say that you won't be doing it anymore.

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2013 01:28

If your DD wants him there, you should remind him.

Original poster
Needsgoodadvice · 18/04/2013 01:32

She would love him to be there, but his missed her xmas play at school because he forgot! I also know if he asked me to get him a ticket, i would end up bloody paying for it too! Just pees me off sometimes, as who does he think bloody reminds me about stuff? I think its called being a grown up!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/04/2013 01:35

Some people are forgetful

I'm forgetful and my kids live with me. My DS's remind me of things constantly until I write them on the calendar Blush

I'm not making excuses for him because he could/should write these things down too...but your DD's dance show is really not the time for you to teach him a lesson.

The only loser would be your DD and how is that fair?

raisah · 18/04/2013 06:31

get her to remind him to buy a ticket so atleast you dont need to communicate with him. If he does forget then he has his daughter to answer to.

MrRected · 18/04/2013 06:34

If it were me, I'd do it for my DD.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 18/04/2013 06:34

What raisah said! Get your DD to remind him, might actually prompt him to go this time.

rainbowfeet · 18/04/2013 06:38

My dd's Dad is just the same.. I've had 5 years of telling him stuff then reminding him then having to explain why he didn't turn up!! I told him recently I won't be doing it anymore & he needs to telephone school & tell them he needs a copy of letters, reports etc too. Thankfully now I barely have to speak to him!!!

diavlo · 18/04/2013 06:57

Would your dd be upset if he wasn't there? If she would then obviously you should remind him.

ApocalypseThen · 18/04/2013 07:16

I think you probably should remind him. But I totally understand why you don't want to enable and encourage his feckless, careless ways.

So do take care to be extremely smug when passing it on.

StuntGirl · 18/04/2013 08:41

If you're going to see him before the show anyway, I might briefly mention it. Yes it would be lovely for your daughter if he comes but you're not his secretary and you can't control him. If he doesn't come it's on him, not you.

I would absolutely not be buying the ticket for him though, if he has form for not paying you back.

LadyVoldemort · 18/04/2013 08:42

I'd remind him once for the sake of DD.

mrsjay · 18/04/2013 08:45

I am not going to make excuses for him but some people are forgetters (not a word) yes I know it is annoying frustrating and bloody selfish a, but remind him of it and if he still doesn't come after the reminder then you can say he never goes to anything. your dd will be happy if he comes It is such a shame when parents dont turn up to things .

seriouscakeeater · 18/04/2013 08:54

I would do it for dd, Id even buy it if I had to. Kids soon grow up and realise when a parent is a tosser,for now let her live in blissful ignorance.

My dd thought the sun shone out of her Df backside, for a long time, even after missed visits, long delays in seeing her, missed school activities, no csa. As she got older she started to see who actually give a shit and it didn't take one negative word from me.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 18/04/2013 09:04

I wouldn't - it sounds like she isn't a priority to him. If he never shows up then you can know that he doesn't feel he is required to, and doesn't particularly want to.

OR there is the chance that he feels uncomfortable about it - like he might not be welcome? Depends on the social set up. If he knows he is welcome to come along then no, don't remind him but do remind dd to remind him, iyswim.

If you remind him regardless then yes you're enabling him and that's not on - it means he'll say to himself, 'ex wants me to go - so stuff her I won't' or 'ex wants me to go, she thinks I'm a crap parent, I'll do it because she told me to' and you end up in a never ending cycle of reminding him and him being resentful about it/acting like a child.

quoteunquote · 18/04/2013 09:18

We are not on good terms at the mo

So if you do remind him then it can only help improve things, which can only make things better for all of you,

I do appreciate how you feel, my ex was a twonk about being an on it dad, at the beginning when we first split, but by always doing the right thing, it made a difference to the overall picture, if you keep constantly adding positives at every opportunity, it will turn things around, or at least mean that you can honestly say to your DD, that you did your level best.

seriouscakeeater · 18/04/2013 09:27

I agree quote i'm a little surprised that some posters have put there own feelings before there young dc's. It seems that that some posters would prefer to see a little unhappy face at dance and quietly revel in the smugness that the df is a twat. Sad

Were supposed to put our kids first, so if it means constantly reminding some one you hate that their child is doing a social event, then so be it.

MandragoraWurzelstock · 18/04/2013 09:37

You are imagining that her reminding him will ensure that he is there.
I think it could be counterproductive in that sense.

mrsjay · 18/04/2013 09:39

nobody assumed the dad would go I don't think but reminding him or getting the DD to remind him is the right thing to do imo for the DDS sake anyway, the man maybe a complete twat or just a genuine forgetter we don't know but I do think he needs reminding. the dd doesn't need to know so young that her dad might be an uncaring father does she,

AuntieStella · 18/04/2013 09:45

Well, I think you have to do it because this is about DD and her pleasure if her dad decides to go (and gets his arse in gear and actually gets there).

But YANBU to be deeply pissed off about it.

Icantstopeatinglol · 18/04/2013 09:52

I would remind him and leave it at that. We don't get told anything at all about my dsd dance shows and I wish we did! I gave up long ago cos it was always us asking and we never got to find out. He should appreciate the fact you're letting him know.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 18/04/2013 09:55

Yes, remind him, because the only loser will be dd if not. And it might almost seem as though you wanted her to be upset with him, and see him as a rubbish parent, if you did that.

sudaname · 18/04/2013 09:55

l also think that getting DD to remind him is one solution and better for you, but then if she reminds/asks him to go and then he doesn't she will be even more upset, because then she will know that he hasn't just forgotten or whatever other excuse he would give afterwards.

No sorry, l think you should put your pride aside and ask him for the sake of your DD.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2013 09:58

"he does know when show is as dd gave him the letter about it and he said he put date in his diary."
So really, no reminder should be necessary.

"He never comes to anything either of the kids do, mostly because he 'forgets' or is at work"
No, he says he forgets - far more likely he simply does not regard it as a priority. I would doubt he forgets to turn up to something important to him Sad. Similarly, he prioritises work over attending. In fairness, when you're an employee it's not always your call. Some workplaces frown on taking holidays in half-day chunks.

But -

"She would love him to be there"
And there's the crunch.

How about just texting him? e.g. "DD really wants you at her dance show on dd/mm hh.mm. Tickets go on sale dd/mm." And leave it at that. If he asks you to buy him a ticket, plead poverty and you need the money up-front otherwise you can't afford it.

sudaname · 18/04/2013 10:02

Good plan whereyouleftit especially over the money as l think OP paying aswell as reminding him is a bridge too far.