To not remind dd dad, my x about her up coming dance show?

[Needsgoodadvice]

Should i remind him of dance show she is in, as tickets go on sale soon? We are not on good terms at the mo, however i dont feel it it always up to me to remind him about stuff that he should be putting his own effort in to remember. I must point out he does know when show is as dd gave him the letter about it and he said he put date in his diary. He never comes to anything either of the kids do, mostly because he 'forgets' or is at work, neither of which i feel are good enough excuses to use all of the time! Surely its not up to me be organising a grown man? AIBU?

I think you should remind him. It is understandable but petty not to.

I'd just text him as a reminder. It is hard when you don't get on, but if she's excited about him being there suck it up and give him the opportunity to be Disney Dad.

Years ago, I would have been in the 'remind him' camp, on the basis that you should think about how your DD would feel.

However, now I'm firmly in the 'don't bother' camp. The trouble with constantly picking up the pieces for your X is that you present your DD with the image of a father who cares far more than he actually does. All that does is give her a bigger height to fall from when he eventually (and he will) bursts her bubble and hurts her. It's actually far better for her to adjust to her father's natural level of involvement from an early age.

It's not about smugness or tit for tat, it's about sensible management of a child's expectations.

As for some people are forgetful. Tough. Learn to deal with it. You don't get let off with things just because you have a personal character fault. Any halfway decent person recognises their failings and takes steps to minimise the fallout it can cause - particularly when a child is involved.

hmm very good points Dahlen.

That is an interesting way of putting it

i would remind him for your daughters sake , if he doesnt turn up you wont feel guilty if your daughter is upset about it .

I agree with Dahlen.

OP you are right, it is not up to you to be organising a grown up man. If he can't be bothered to make the effort, it is his loss.

Your DD will have a fantastic show, she'll see her proud mum in the audience, there will be lots of applause, you'll have a special meal afterwards (well in our house we have a normal tea but with some lemonade and a toast or something), it will be a special occasion.

Shame for her dad that he missed out but still a brilliant day for DD.

I am very forgetful.

I bought a calendar, I set reminders on my phone, I leave myself notes and email myself reminders. I do not expect other people to take responsibility for my crap memory and blame them if things go wrong.

He doesnt forget, he just doesnt care enough to remember.

Thanks everyone, you have all given different but equally good advice. I have a lot to think about. He has always been welcome to attend both kids stuff, including hospital appointments (both have additional needs) parents evenings, awards etc etc, he has always just chosen not to come, He said he was going to pay for the costume hire for this dance show, but never did handed the money over, so ive stumped up for it! Just tired of bothering with someone who clearly cant be bothered, sad for dd. :(

Dont let him get away with the money thing. You cant make him care but you can make him pay up when he says he will!

Children first. Feelings should be shoved aside when it's a child's parent.

If it means a lot for your daughter to have him there I would remind him. Maybe just don't tell her that he is coming unless he 'forgets'

Great post Dahlen. Totally changed my view on the matter.

I feel your pain. My ex is like this. I have told him he gets one email now and it's up to him as an adult to put it in his diary. It's funny how he manages to remember business meetings etc. I personally think it's a form of control rather then forgetfulness, but that's just my ex and my situation. The thing is if you carry on enabling this behaviour he'll have no reason to be more organised and you will be driven insane by it. He is your ex and you shouldn't have to be doing this. Be very clear with him on this and get him to take some responsibility. Everyone has a phone now, you can put a reminder in it and it will pop up. There's no excuse!

The man already knows when it is. His daughter told him, and he promised to put it in his diary.

Bollocks he will but it's not like the OP is withholding information.

Dahlen's post is spot on.

I was that child once. While my wonderful Mum never, ever said a bad word about my Dad she never painted false pictures either. She just quietly picked up the pieces when he 'forgot' to come and collect us for the weekend or didn't send us cards or didn't attend events. My Mum or some other family member was always there instead, so I never felt forgotten or unloved.

I still stand with reminding him, a small child being forced to accept by either parent that her df dosnt care would find it harder to deal with than an older one seeing the picture for them selfs.

Children are children for such a short time, I really don't see the need for making them accept psinfu

I attend everything. As long as i am around, she will never have that feeling no one came, i wouldnt miss it for the world! Am one proud mummy no matter what they do. :) Just a bloody shame he didnt put in a bit more effort where they are concerned. He doesnt know what he is missing out on and will never get these special moments back! :(

Posted too soon!
Don't see the need to accept painful situation that can be solved with a 2 min phone call or text!

He knows about the dance. She isn't hiding it from him. If she were deliberately keeping it from him I'd have a different view.

Mentioning it in passing when you happen to see him is as far as I would go. It isn't about point scoring or tit for tat. The OP is not his wife, his secretary nor his keeper, she shouldn't have to spend the next 13 years organising both herself and her ex.