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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be told when my toddler isn't 'perfect'?

27 replies

changedmynametoomanytimes · 17/04/2013 17:35

when my toddler is with me we have mainly a lovely time ... but tantrums are the norm and I try my best to keep calm and wait for them to end.

It seems when my toddler is with family members, another child is born!

'Oh x has been wonderful ALL day!' or 'X never plays up when with us'

It drives me mad! I can't seriously believe that my toddler doesn't have one tantrum etc in a whole day ... and it makes me feel like a crap mum :(

My mum is the only one to say that her and my dad have had a lovely day with my toddler ... but there were one or two moments that passed quickly - ie - a normal day in the life!

Does everyone have this? Or does my child only play up for me? (which I doubt very much Wink) - I just feel a little underminded when I've been tearing my hair out and they've been polishing DC's halo! Grin

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 17/04/2013 17:38

I thinly sometimes they want to be nice.

I remember MIL telling me DD had had a stonking tantrum and had to be carried across the street because she refused to walk. Even though she knew they were going to get ice cream! It did make me feel a bit better!

Softlysoftly · 17/04/2013 17:39

Hate to tell you but DD1 (3) is at pre-school, we went to the christmas farm visit and when I wanted her to go back to the car for the teachers present (instead of eating cake first, foolish me), she went into tantrum mode.

The teacher did Shock, "she never does that!"

She was instantly Blush and apologetic for pointing out my clearly inferior parenting, however I fully believed her. So I'm afraid op they are only little monsters for their parents

BrevilleTron · 17/04/2013 17:40

Yep they tend to save their worst behaviour for us. Just so we look daft complaining when said child is sat there eating stuff she NEVER would for me with a blinding halo.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 17/04/2013 17:41

Ha. Ds (13mo) stayed at Pils earlier this week and we came home bewildered after pick up! He wasn't interested in trying to climb the tv or fireplace, laid still for every nappy change and smiling submitted to a strip wash Confused

I've spent most of today removing him from the playstation and looking at his bare bum as he crawls away giggling while I'm changing him. On the plus side he was so good they are happy to have him whenever we fancy a night out Grin

Kleinzeit · 17/04/2013 17:43

I reckon toddlers do save their worst behaviour for their parents. I am pretty sure that if parents all swapped toddlers with each other then life would be much easier Smile

StickEmWithThePointyEnd · 17/04/2013 17:46

My mum used to say ds had been as good as gold no matter what he'd done that day. She always had an excuse for any bad behaviour which meant it wasn't his fault somehow. Yet... I seem to remember my mum getting upset at my grandad for making excuses for my own bad behaviour as a child Grin. Benefits of having a grandparent that adores you I suppose!

usualsuspect · 17/04/2013 17:48

I always tell my DD that my DGS have been gold as gold, even if they are haven't been Grin

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 17/04/2013 17:53

My son is the master at this!

one day he woke up in a bad mood and was having a tantrum over everything. He was having a really bad and I told him nannas on her way. Soon as the door was opened he stopped and starting putting his toys away and acting all happy. Ran to my mum gave her cuddles, did what he was told by us both etc.

I told her what he had been like minutes before she turned up and she didn't believe me!

When never carries on at my mums. Then when I walk in he starts playing up and mum says 'he was fine til you turned up' Shock

He knows how to play people I think Grin

aldiwhore · 17/04/2013 17:58

My children are both angelic at school, with friends, and family.

They are not always angelic with me. We're extremely close and I think for us there's some truth in the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt" we rub along rather well, but they are certainly not angelic. It's getting better.

When both boys were babies (4 yrs apart) they were both BF and wouldn't tolerate anyone else for more than 5 minutes at a time, not even DH. When they were toddlers they were terrible at self soothing at bedtime, but only for me, guess they wanted cuddles! They went down a dream for everyone else.

I do remember one particular ocassion with a family friend who thinks she's supernanny, they went to sleep like a dream for her (probably out of fear) and I never heard the end of it. I felt betrayed!!!

DIYapprentice · 17/04/2013 18:00

My 2 are like that! Drives me bonkers.

Squitten · 17/04/2013 18:04

I think my family all dote on my two (only kids in the family) so much that they will forgive them pretty much everything short of murder!

I think because they aren't the parents, they will tolerate an awful lot more than I would.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2013 18:07

Your kids an arse

Is that better? Grin

Agree they saving all their shitey behaviour for those they love the most

basijas46 · 17/04/2013 18:07

I have a angel at school and a monster at home. We eventually went to our GP as his tantrums were becoming more violent. 6 months later he was diagnosed with Aspergers. So where usually a tantrum is a tantrum' sometimes there is more to it.

Budgiegirlbob · 17/04/2013 19:33

Children are always better behaved for other people than their parents. That said, I do think grandparents are unlikely to tell you if behaviour has been less than perfect, or sometimes I think they genuinely just don't notice the bad stuff!

DH and I were away for the weekend, kids were with PIL. We phoned at breakfast to see how kids were doing. ''They're being as good as gold' says MIL. In the background we can hear FIL saying ''DS, don't throw your cereal in the floor!' Hmm

carolinecordery · 17/04/2013 19:37

Children will have their tantrums with the person or people with whom they feel emotionally safest.

LimitedEditionLady · 17/04/2013 20:00

I think they have a tantrum with us because we are closest to them and part of their daily routines,whereas when theyre with others they are doing something different and taking in something different so they arent in a situation where they think no no no i want to do this particular thing this way today raa raa raa.theyre comfortable around us to be moody.doesnt make you a crap parent.makes you THEIR parent.

RiffyWammal · 17/04/2013 20:09

It drives me mad when my DM tells me how well behaved my ADHD teenage son has been for her! 'He's always fine when he's with us' she will say when I tell her about his latest temper outburst etc - what she doesn't seem to realise is she is not making him do anything he doesn't want to do, like get up in time for school, not have all his mates in his room etc, things that we have to do every day. She just does the fun stuff and lets him do as he pleases.

I must confess I do the same with my granddaughter though when her mom picks her up - I always gloss over any bad behaviour, not to make her feel inferior or that her parenting is not as good as mine, but because telling her about any bad behaviour would seem like I was moaning and didn't want to have her? I am more realistic and honest with my son (DGD's dad) when he picks her up though, although even then I wouldn't make too much fuss about tantrums.

HerrenaHandbasket · 17/04/2013 20:13

I agree with the theory that toddlers save the worst behaviour for the people they are closest to. IMO they're pretty certain that we won't abandon them and so they can behave how they truly feel - i.e. not keeping their heads down and playing nicely because they're unsure of the adults around them (I include GPs in this, unless they're GPs who live with the family).

It's not exactly the same, but my DM used to be nice as pie to everyone outside our family and was a complete bitch to the three of us. She stopped it when we left home and weren't mandated to put up with it Hmm

LunaticFringe · 17/04/2013 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeacupTempest · 17/04/2013 20:49

DD has just entered the tantrum stage. Perfected it already!

My mum was musing on this last night, she tells me. Apparently I never tantrumed so she was wondering whether DD inherited the behaviour from DH. When she was telling me this I just felt so...sad for toddler me. Not sure I can explain but I think I was compliant and didn't push boundaries for the wrong reasons.

I feel like DD must feel quite secure in order to be able to vent her frustrations, if that makes sense?

pointythings · 17/04/2013 20:59

They behave badly with us because we are the people they trust the most. With us they can be their real selves.

Doesn't make it any easier when they act up, though.

SquirrelNuts · 17/04/2013 21:01

Its probably true though. My DS is a little angel at nursery and for my mum, hes such a good little boy tidying up.... but i know the real DS!!!

WaynettaSlobsLover · 17/04/2013 21:05

It's true. My mil swears how good and lovely my two are when she looks after them. She is genuinely surprised when I tell her what little gits they are at home Grin she loves having them so that's why I'm convinced its true.

ChunkyPickle · 17/04/2013 21:11

They save the worst for parents, but I remember coming back to my MIL having a calming cigarette in the driveway while inside there were screams coming from my livid DS inside (grandad was in the house with him, staying on the other side of the room as DS had his meltdown). She said he'd been like that for 20 minutes after they suggested it was time for bed, and nothing they'd done was helping so they were just standing back waiting for it to blow over.

MsVestibule · 17/04/2013 21:12

My DS has always been an equal opportunities little bugger. However, DD was an absolute horror at home, but an angel at nursery and with my Mum and Dad. I'm sure they all thought I was just an incompetent parent.

However, I'm pleased she behaves herself for others, as it made it much easier to leave her without feeling she was inflicting her awful behaviour on others. Now she's 6yo, she's an angel most of the time for me too!

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