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AIBU?

To Be Increasingly Irritated by PIL Insisting I have Name-changed on Marriage

194 replies

LessMissAbs · 17/04/2013 11:13

When I have not? Small problem, I know. But they have completely ignored my not changing my surname on marriage. I have told them repeatedly I am still known by my original surname, but they refer to me as "MrsTheirSurname", send me letters addressed to MrsTheirSurname and have forwarded invitations sent to their address for DH and me, scoring out my surname and replacing it with theirs.

On challenging them, they told me "If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion". Except I haven't, and I'm not going to.

OP posts:

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squoosh · 20/04/2013 23:14

People decide on their own names and their children's names. After that people can decide for themselves. I really can't be arsed worrying about what my great-great-great-great-great grandchildren's surname is.

Pilgit · 20/04/2013 23:31

Not read the entire thread but I think they are being extremely rude and unreasonable! Your DH joined your family as much as you joined theirs - why does their name get to trump yours? This will all back fire on them in the end - my MIL has the attitude (and she has 3 sons) that you have a choice to make when your son marries - gain a daughter or lose a son.

For those saying she should suck it up - they are being aggressive and rude to the OP in the way they readdress things and insist on their name dominance. It is a form of bullying.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 20/04/2013 23:45

Oh it all sounds very Krays / faaaaaamily imo.

I wouldn't bother emailing. Rise above it.

sashh · 21/04/2013 04:45

I have just thought of an evil plan.

Go to the post office and have a redirect put on the name your ILs use, I assume Mrs ILs.

So anything she redirects to you with her/Dhs name is automatically sent back to her.

HermioneHatesHoovering · 21/04/2013 06:35

Just make sure any children have "yourSurnamehisSurname", in that order. Then if you ever split up you can just drop hissurname from their names

HermioneHatesHoovering · 21/04/2013 06:44

And obviously you won't have to endure go to their birthday/wedding anniversary deathly boring celebrations, as you haven't actually been invited, so to turn up would be positively rude, wouldn't it?

KittieCat · 21/04/2013 06:56

I kept my name when we married. Didn't realise FIL wasn't overly happy until we (after much agonising and upset on both DH and my parts) gave DS my surname as double barrelled didn't work etc.

This caused big ructions and I saw a nasty side of FIL. We don't really speak now, and the ILs don't really bother with DS. All really very sad as we used to get on really well.

I still see it as having been my choice to have kept my name and my and DHs choice to give our son whatever name we saw fit.

I still get post from the rest of DH's family assuming we all have DH's surname.

Ledkr · 21/04/2013 07:04

Pil do this to me so do the GPS which I think is just old ness but pil should know better.
Even my birthday cheques so I can't cash them.
However if I directly spoke to them and they stil did it if seriously fall out with them especially as I kept my name for my existing children's benefit.
They sound weird with all the in our family have our name bollox

Isityouorme · 21/04/2013 08:05

Buy thank you cards with your and DH names on in big bold print and post to parents each time they send mail on .... And stick printed from sender name labels on the envelope. Very formal and polite and the closest you'll get to sticking two fingers up in their face!

KirjavaTheCat · 21/04/2013 08:21

Are they the mafia?

Soupqueen · 21/04/2013 08:34

My father in law does this. He sends parcels to Mrs DH's surname, I'm never in to receive them and have real problems picking them up from the sorting office because all my proof of ID is in my name.

exexpat · 21/04/2013 10:51

Soupqueen - have you told your FiL about the post office/ID issue? That might actually make it register with him how silly he is being not to use your legal name.

I found that explaining to grandparents & aunts that I couldn't pay in cheques they had sent me in the wrong name was the only thing that made them stop.

hettie · 21/04/2013 11:02

Some members of DH's family did this..... I thought it was hilarious especially as dh had actually taken my surname. But do you know what I didn't let it get to me and in the end they stopped writing to us altogether
People are weird, but you can chose how you react to it....

Soupqueen · 21/04/2013 11:02

I have told him but he "forgets".

MmeThenardier · 21/04/2013 20:47

I'm astonished at how rude they are. How disrespectful.

Given they seem to prefer passive agressive to confrontation I would choose the latter and initiate an out and out confrontation with them. I'd include evidence (the envelope), have DH present and make sure they are both there. Perhaps in a restaurant after a meal along the lines of

"I saw you'd crossed my name out and put the wrong one on, do you realise that isn't my name?"

"Why do you think it so important to you that I use your surname?"

"Do you realise I will never call myself this?"

"You say if I'm part of your family I have to have this name, I'm happy to not be part of your family, I married DH, not you. Does this mean we shouldn't get together anymore, ok, bye"

"Do you know what DH thinks of all this, would you like him to tell you?"

Have I overdone it? I'm just incensed at their behaviour that they think its acceptable to presume to tell you (repeatedly) what your name is!

LessMissAbs · 21/04/2013 22:04

Update. Didn't send my email to MIL. Instead I told DH to speak to her about it. I asked him today if he had done so, and got told he hasn't, and in a way which indicated he wasn't going to. Had an argument with DH and then phoned up MIL to set her straight.

Although I remained very calm, and mentioned it quite casually a slight hint of anger might have crept into my voice. I referred to the letter they had forwarded, with my surname crossed out and replaced with theirs, and thanked them for forwarding it, but that was not my surname as I had not changed my surname on marriage. "Oh" says MIL, sounding surprised, and then, sensing trouble, "OK then", and very quickly changed the subject.

So we will see if she sticks to it. Could be it was their way of making me feel part of the family, if that's all it was, then no harm done.

As for DH...

OP posts:

MmeThenardier · 21/04/2013 22:46

oooh I love a good update!!

I just knew she wouldn't like an up front discussion!

Katisha · 21/04/2013 22:52

Lets see if she can keep it up or whether there'll be the odd meaningful remark... As for DH grrr .

ComposHat · 22/04/2013 02:14

"If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion"

This really made me laugh, it isn't like it is membership of some extraordinarily exclusive club, with a host of privileges attached?

What happens if you refuse? Will they rip up your 'Shufflebottom' (or whatever your husband's surname is) membership card and take your badge away?

You aren't joining their family, you've married your husband and you haven't become part of their goods and chatals.

Fucking loons. I'd far rather join the Manson family.

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