To Be Increasingly Irritated by PIL Insisting I have Name-changed on Marriage

[LessMissAbs]

When I have not? Small problem, I know. But they have completely ignored my not changing my surname on marriage. I have told them repeatedly I am still known by my original surname, but they refer to me as "MrsTheirSurname", send me letters addressed to MrsTheirSurname and have forwarded invitations sent to their address for DH and me, scoring out my surname and replacing it with theirs.

On challenging them, they told me "If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion". Except I haven't, and I'm not going to.

No, they are being obnoxious, but I was taking issue with your dismissal of established etiquette as of no consequence; which is blatantly ridiculous.

Floggingmolly - in what way are the in-laws 'correct'? There is no legal obligation to change your name on marriage in the UK, it is merely traditional. The OP has chosen not to change her name, and her in-laws should respect that.

Old-fashioned etiquette guides may say that married couples should be addressed as 'Mr & Mrs DH's Name', but I saw for myself this month that an invitation from Buckingham Palace to a married couple where the wife has kept her own name was addressed as Mr Hisfirstname Hislastname and Ms Herfirstname Herlastname. Now, if the royal family (or rather the etiquette-setters at Buck Pal) think it's OK, why on earth should anyone else try to impose their own outdated ideas on the OP?

OP I think they're terrified of you and your modern ways and this is their way of trying to assert control. I feel a bit sorry for them, they don't sound well adapted to today's world!

Dear Mum & Dad,

We won't be coming to your birthday and anniversary parties because you have inexplicably invited some woman called Mrs Dh-surname instead of my wife. If this was a senile mistake on your part, please send us invitations that include my wife. She is the most important member of my family you know.

love LessMisAbs-dh

PS Actually I'm considering taking LessMisAb's surname, but I'll let you know in due course

Um Flogging, I think you will find that modern ettiquette guides make the point that it is polite to address a woman in the way she has stated her preference ie this

if you don't know what she prefers, then yes, please go right ahead and use the old traditional form. But if she has told you, repeatedly, how she prefers to be addressed, then please use that.

Ooh Eggs how posh. I agree this must be evidence of correct modern etiquette.

Alternatively, start calling them Brian and Doreen. If they comment on it, look puzzled and comment blandly on the weather.

I had this with my PILs.

'Yes, we know you're choosing to be called Ms Maidenname, but legally of course your name is Mrs Marriedname.'

They are lovely people, they just live a very rural insular life. I don't think they've got it now to be honest. In their case it's ignorance rather than pig-headedness.

I pick my battles and haven't picked this one as I generally get on very well with them.

In the OP's position - it looks like the first of many battles to come, with such appalling people as PILs. :(

Debrett's part 2

My parents did this to me - yrs after I divorced and went back to my maiden name (their surname!) they insisted on addressing things to me in my married name .

I like Bertha's answer!

I would do several things.

1. Return mail with not known at this address (as lots of others have said)
2. Send out xmas cards early with your names on (as others have said)
3. Get DH to talk to them.
4. If none of the above stop it then I would withdraw contact. It is the most basic form of respect. If they don't respect you enough to get your name right then you are in trouble.

They pick a new name for you, you pick a new name for them. From now on address them as Mr and Ms Fuck-Face.

I have an etiquette book that prescribes "Mr. and Mrs. DH Surname" as the proper form. It also has a chapter entitled " How to Host a Dinner Party with Only a Maid-of-all-Work."

YANBU, OP

Now this has got me thinking...
After 27 years of marriage I still don't feel that I AM myfirstname DHsurname. I am thinking of going back to MY real name, my maiden name. Would I have to change by deed poll now or can I just return to my real name? (we are not going to divorce by the way).

BProud, your maiden name is still your 'real' name. Using your husband's name upon marriage is not a legal thing, it's just a tradition of adopting a false name. Like actors having a stage name, but their real name is always whatever they were called at birth. It'd be pointless to change it by deedpoll when it is still your name. Going back to using your maiden name would be much like what happened when you changed to your husband's surname: you need to inform all official channels, colleagues, family, friends, etc., of the name change.

Thanks Oxford, I will start with friends I think and then change official stuff as it turns up - will have to wait another 10 years for passport as I only just renewed!

oxford and bproud

yoyr real bame is the name yoy habitually use. the law in the uk is tgat whatever name you use is your legalname as long as you are not ysing it in an attempt to defraud.all you need is a paper trail (ie proof that you use the name)

sorry can't type! real name

Op are your pils ime? Same bloody thing, right down to the rural isolation and mistaken impression that they are some socially leading local family (not to mention the racism, sexism...I could go on).

Nt wort it for me to fight it. miL is such a warped personality that it would just backfire (she'd be ' so hurt' that I had not taken their name...)

So have tried to rise above it. And often failed. Am guilty of petty revenge on occasion e.g. Deliberately starting a conversation about how immigration really benefits this country / producing a meal which required chopsticks instead of Roast Sunday Lunch / and so on. Childish I know. Just can't help it sometimes.

and taking yoyr husband's name is a social custom and is most definitely definitely your legal name. it's not a stage name, any more than keeping your maiden name is.

Taking a husband's name is just a courtesy title.

DP and I have never married, but if we ever do (after 26 years, I doubt it ) I won't be changin my name.

Even my 69 yr old mum has told me that if she were to go back in time she wouldn't have changed her name.

OP, I think your PILs are astonishingly rude. Yes, you may be able to stand up for yourself, but I feel that if your DH is backing you up in front of them it will carry more weight as they may be telling themselves he doesn't actually agree with you.

floggingmolly please look at my link to debrett's.

Unique, it becomes a legal name because it is perfectly legal to assume a false name in the UK. It is not legal as in your name changes by law to the new name and the old one is then defunct. The only way to do that would be to have every woman who wanted to change her name upon marriage change their name by deed poll, which would be too much of a palaver and expensive too. And as you know, no-one has to legally change their name upon marriage. Therefore, it as legal and fine to revert back to your maiden name and let them became your legal given name.

I wasn't saying that a married name is a stage name, I was likening the use of it to actors using their stage names.