To Be Increasingly Irritated by PIL Insisting I have Name-changed on Marriage

[LessMissAbs]

When I have not? Small problem, I know. But they have completely ignored my not changing my surname on marriage. I have told them repeatedly I am still known by my original surname, but they refer to me as "MrsTheirSurname", send me letters addressed to MrsTheirSurname and have forwarded invitations sent to their address for DH and me, scoring out my surname and replacing it with theirs.

On challenging them, they told me "If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion". Except I haven't, and I'm not going to.

[fedupofnamechanging]

You have a legitimate excuse to avoid all these occasions, since they haven't actually invited you, but some woman who doesn't exist

[StephaniePowers]

For starters you need to get on top of sending out new address cards to all the family Or rather your dh should, if it's his family, but since you're narked at the name thing maybe you could steal a march on him.

[GibberTheMonkey]

As your dh is onside could you get him to tell them that you've (you and he) decided they are right and that as a family you should share one surname so he's going to change his name to your surname

[JassyRadlett]

Oh god, you should do what I threatened to do if my husband's immediate family didn't fix the Mrs and Mrs HisLast thing they tried.

Basically, you send every. piece. of. post. you ever send to them addressed to Mrs and Mrs MIL'sMaidenName. When they complain, tell them 'This is the way we do things in my family. It's not up for discussion.' And then just ignore/talk over their protestations.

How are they with logic? I have a few older relatives who'll start in on some long convoluted argument who are actually stopped dead in their tracks by the statement 'I'm sorry, I just don't see the logic in it.' I don't know why it works, but it does.

[exoticfruits]

I would send out your Christmas cards early and have a note with name and address and email those you can. I doubt whether anyone else would be rude enough to change your name. I would ignore PIL completely,sound bored if mentioned.

[slug]

Of course your DH joined your family when he married you. You could always sweetly tell them that, after much thought, you agree with them that a family should have the same surname. Therefore DH is changing his name to yours.

[exoticfruits]

It really isn't worth it- there is a lot of power in ignoring.

[EuroShaggleton]

They seem to have missed the fact that your husband has joined your family as much as you have joined his...

I feel your pain OP. My own nan does this. She seems to hate everyone and everything though, so I have a five minute fume when my Xmas card arrives each year and that is it. She refused to come to my wedding (for reasons that are still not clear 3 years on) and has never met my husband, so why she is so keen on his name I have no idea.

Everyone else has been put straight and seems to have got it.

[exoticfruits]

If you ignore them they are the ones eventually out on a limb and just look silly. I would think long term .

[Dahlialover]

I would ignore it and file them on the "nuts" shelf for future reference.

Does not bode well for grandchildren :(

[UniqueAndAmazing]

they sound dreadful.

what knobheads.

you have to keep on at them, or threaten to divorce your DH.

[UniqueAndAmazing]

(i meant threaten to them that you'll divorce DH, not threaten to DH!)

[HollyBerryBush]

If you look at an etiquette book, the correct addressing of a joint invitation to a married couple would be Mr & Mrs DH Initial, H Surname. That would be irrespective of whether you use his name or your own.

[UniqueAndAmazing]

Holly - if you look at an uptodate ettiquette book, the correct form for if the woman hasn't changed her surname is "mr dhsname surname & Ms/Miss(whiechever is preferred) opsname opsurname.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Hollyberry, etiquette books are only relevant to people who think their contents are interesting or important. As OP clearly doesn't, what an etiquette book might or might not advise about how she should be addressed is irrelevant.

Etiquette wasn't born out of nowhere in any case, there is a reason that tradition dictates 'mr and mrs man's initial man's name' and it is a premise that I reject.

[JulesJules]

But why WHY on earth would you look at an "Etiquette Book" Holly?

And so what if it does opine on "correct form"? The correct way to address someone is by THEIR NAME. That they have chosen.

YANBU, OP. They are being obnoxious, aggressive, bloody rude and ignorant.

[UniqueAndAmazing]

etiquette was born out of how to be polite, and DeBrett's now states that if you don't know, the most polite thing is to ask

[UniqueAndAmazing]

debretts

[OrbisNonSufficit]

What an extremely odd way of behaving. This is 2013, isn't it?

I'm trying to find a way of giving them the benefit of the doubt and failing... I didn't change my name when I got married and thus far the only pitched battles I've needed to have are over Ms/Mrs (since Mrs NonSufficit is clearly my mother), no one has challenged my actual name.

I do agree with exoticfruits, the best approach is to just keep ignoring it and try and solve the mail-sent-to-ILs problem at source. Anything passive aggressive (or aggressive aggressive) will just lead to escalation.

That said, my inner stroppy child would be yelling at them next time they corrected me about MY name something like "It's my fucking name you complete and utter imbeciles, what kind of fucking problem do you have with showing me the most basic level of respect by using my CORRECT NAME???". But obviously other than short term satisfaction possibly not helpful. Sadly.

[Floggingmolly]

Etiquette books are only relevant to people who think their contents are interesting or important
What a bizarre viewpoint, Eric Evidentally it's interesting and important to the PIL's, who, like it or not are actually correct.

[LittleBearPad]

They are being incredibly rude but I'd get DH to deal with them. Their his parents he gets to tell them to jog on. Also nipping such PITA behaviour pre-kids is probably a good plan too.

[echt]

Good manners trumps etiquette every time.

[Floggingmolly]

Good manners is the very basis of etiquette...

[echt]

So you think the PILS are right to behave as they do because of a book?

[FrauMoose]

I changed my name - not via marriage - by a statutory declaration and my parents refused to accept the change My father is dead now, but my mother still addresses me as FrauleinHamster and not as FrauMoose. This did very little for my relationship with either parent.