To Be Increasingly Irritated by PIL Insisting I have Name-changed on Marriage

[LessMissAbs]

When I have not? Small problem, I know. But they have completely ignored my not changing my surname on marriage. I have told them repeatedly I am still known by my original surname, but they refer to me as "MrsTheirSurname", send me letters addressed to MrsTheirSurname and have forwarded invitations sent to their address for DH and me, scoring out my surname and replacing it with theirs.

On challenging them, they told me "If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion". Except I haven't, and I'm not going to.

Also, companies will use the name they've been given, not the name your PIL are trying to force on you.

When she does the 'there are two of us' thing say 'Oh how lovely, when did you change your name to Ms Yourname?' And take the call. Make sure you put the caller straight on her new name too. And address all invitations to that new name.

Lay it on how nice it'll be for her to share a name with your kids too :)

Two can play at that game sunshine!

Or start calling PILs Günther and Brunhilda. When they look confused and say that's not their name, reply that Mrs Theirname is not yours either, but as they use this name for you, you assumed they would like to be called something else as well.

I'd find this petty and controlling, it's a totally unnecessary fight. I kept my surname and if my inlaws went on about me being really mrs Husband's name I'd clarify that I am no more that than he is Mr my surname. If they insisted I would tell them I found their behaviour controlling and refusing to call someone by their name showed a lack of respect and liking for that person and if they persisted then I would want to have as little to do with them as possible.
I would ensure my husband was on side as well and get him to tell his parents that they are wrong and rude, and no good can come from this unnecessary battle.

"Since you've decided my name is YourName, we've decided the best way to keep MyName alive is to give it to all our DC. Thank you for making the decision so easy for us"

Why should she bite her tongue when they don't bite theirs? Nothing more dull than a martyr.

My crossing her name off the posr and writing another name they are defacing her property. Interfering with post in this way is a crime.

Yanbu op they are being incredibly rude.

Not quite the same but when the madthings were littke and my.mil sent post she insisted on just addressing them to first name dps surname when actually they have a double barreled surname so.it shoukd be first name mysurname-dps surname. She doesnt like them.having my surname as well... I pulled her up on it but she didnt stop until the children got old enough that they commented on it themselves!

I could understand if she would be forwarding the mail and just writing Family Theirname on the new envelope. But as OP says, they actually cross her name out and replace with theirs where there's absolutely no need to do that. That's just incredibly rude.

Statisically - you're right - you do have to have a sworn declaration, even if you've used that name as an adult.
That's basically all deed poll is - a piece of paper confirming that you are now using another name.
When I mentioned the birth certificate, I meant it wasa useful starting place for showing that you were changing your name - you cannot use the birth certificate alone as proof that you are that person, but it kind of says "look, this is the name I want, and I've been known by it before"
You need the papertrail, which in most cases is a sworn letter or document saying that you are now using the name.

That's regardless of whether you've used that name as a child or adult, or never used it before this time.

ah Sock said it so much better than me :)

Do they mean to be so rude??

You should outlive them so will win in the end
So just ignore it.

Yes, I still have that bloody envelope with my name, my own actual name, crossed out, and theirs written in its place, on a piece of forwarded mail from a few days ago. Kind of them to forward the mail, but theres just something about having your own name crossed out, as if you don't exist any more, and someone else's forced on you.

I am going to email MIL along the lines of "thank you for forwarding my mail. Theres no need to cross out by name and replace it with yours as, in common with many women, I did not change my name on marriage. My name is not but remains ."

I bet she won't accept it though. For some reason, they labour under the belief that I am some poverty stricken waif whom their son has taken under his wing to house, when in reality he is a student and I work in my profession.

They are being dicks. You didn't join their family, you and your dh forged a new family which they are a branch of you are in no way owned by them and your name is not up for debate. You need to keep pointing it out and get your dh on side.

The only people making this an issue are them.

I think some change of address cards are needed with both your names prominently shown. Send them to everyone and make sure MIL knows they've gone to everyone.

i'd have nothing to do with them till they behaved. this would really wind me up, they probably think it's funny.

My IL fell out with me when I double barrelled my name after marriage!!!

My MIL was the worst, which I couldn't understand as its not even her bloody real name!!!!

Screw them, I enjoyed giving my ds my surname! And I write every letter and card signed with my surname just to make a point!!!!

My MIL double barrelled her nameand FIL so DH had both their names. On our marriage he dropped her name and we became Mr and Mrs Jelly (FIL's name). We didn't bother tell MIL as we didn't want to hurt her feelings. However, she found out after seeing DS1 baby record book out on the kitchen unit and asked why was only Jelly written for the surname. I told her that I was just Jelly and so was DS, she went ape shit! So I told her I didn't keep my name so why should I take hers and DS didn't have my name so why should DS take hers. She was ranting and raving so DH told her he had dropped hers too.

My Grandmother does this. About 5 minutes after our wedding ceremony she cornered DH and I and quite agressively asked why I was not changing my name, even though we had already told her weeks before, and my DM (her daughter) never changed her surname on marriage! It was pretty embarrassing as quite a few of our guests were well within earshot.

She refused to accept that I would stay Ms Mysurname and to this day still addresses birthday, christmas cards etc to Mrs DH'sSurname. Makes me so cross!!

jelly I think you were wrong not to even discuss it with her
I'm pretty sure she had good reasons to keep her own name for you to just drop it and not even tell her.especially her own son. :(

jelly that sounds quite mean :(

It would have been Jelly's DH's responsibility for discussing it, not hers, imo. He's the one who changed his name from the name he's always had. Jelly just took the name he decided to keep. He could have just as easily kept her part of the name and not his father's.

Honestly, double-barreled names for children are asking for trouble, anyway. I understand a couple marrying and deciding to keep both names, then giving that name to their children. However, when the children grow up and get married and both parts of the couple want to keep their names, what then? Quadruple barreled?

I say this as someone who kept her name so I understand wanting to do so.

yes, greeneggs I meant "you" as both of them

So first generation is double barrelled, second generation is quadruple barrelled, after that it might get a bit silly. Wouldn't it be easier to decide on a family name for your new family unit once you get married. In OP's case, that should clearly be OP's name!