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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to include NICU pictures in a baby photo book?

113 replies

redwellybluewelly · 15/04/2013 19:53

Please be gentle with me!

DD was in a coma on life support shortly after she was born for a week, we only have one grainy photo of her before transfer, she was then in for a bit longer getting better and came home at two weeks old. Since then she has gone from strength to strength but there have been re admissions.

So. DC2 is due in two months, DD is obsessed with babies and also pictures of herself. I thought I'd make a photobook for her of her as a baby that she can flick through when I'm feeding dc2 but also because she would love to take it to nursery and also show people.

Anyway. Speaking to a friend (with children) and she said that putting in any photos from NICU would be creepy and weird, but to me they are an important part of DD being a baby.

I wouldn't put in the close up coma ones where she is on life support (you can't actually see much baby) but maybe the ones of her first breastfeed (NG tube in) or where DH is standing by the NICU crib wuth the million and one machines keeping her going.

Am I being unreasonable? )

OP posts:
SanityClause · 15/04/2013 20:36

This is such a non issue! Why would she even suggest you shouldn't have these pictures in your DD's book?

What if she'd broken her leg when she was 5? Would it be creepy to show her cast?

She is just weird.

lotsofcheese · 15/04/2013 20:40

Your friend is definitely the one with the problem.

FWIW, DS was in nicu for 95 days; we have hundreds of pictures of him. We are SO BLOODY PROUD of him & the photos tell his story.

There are a few from the 1st few days that I find upsetting - but that's my choice not to show them.

YANBU!!!!

Thurlow · 15/04/2013 20:45

YANBU. How strange of your friend to say that. I have loads of photos and videos from DD in NICU and SCBU. In fact, all the 'we've had our baby' photos we sent out were from NICU with the tubes and wires (we were fortunate to now that while she was poorly, it was nothing serious) and no one said a thing.

RueDeWakening · 15/04/2013 20:50

I have to say, it's lovely to read about how proud NICU parents are of our babies, and how hard they all fought.

I found my DS's first ever vest he wore in NICU today (that came down to his knees!), and took a pic of it compared to one of his current tshirts - it gave me a teary moment to see just how far he's come :)

Wolfcub · 15/04/2013 20:54

yanbu but your friend is being a bit of an a arse. ds's scbu pics are in our photo albumn with wrist band etc. It really naffs me off when people think (like to pretend) that a sick child's life only started when they came home. Do what feela right for you and your family

McNewPants2013 · 15/04/2013 21:03

I have had neices and nephews born premature and was very proud to show off the pictures.

Would a 3-4 year old be mature to see these picture? Genuine question.

BlueSuedeStiletto · 15/04/2013 21:04

Of course YANBU. Those are her first pictures. Same as anyone else's. It just happens that hers are a little different. Everyone has a different birth story- is your friend suggesting that you pretend your DD had a straigtforward birth and pretend she didn't have to go to the NICU?

My friend has a B&W photo of her prem DD blown up on a canvas in her living room. She has her NG tube in and looks teeny tiny. I've always thought what a beautiful picture it is. I also have a friend who had leukemia as a child- her parents have a framed photo in their collection of her in hospital with her friends (including me!) on her 12th birthday. The picture is of US- we just happened to be in hospital at the time.

Make the book, it sounds lovely Smile

pooka · 15/04/2013 21:07

YANBU. I expect she will be fascinated to see them and it's all part of her exciting story (traumatic as it was at the time).

Ellypoo · 15/04/2013 21:12

Totally ynbu - your friend is though, how disrespectful and rude.

Those pics are the first you have of your dd and an important part of her early life.

My dd1 was in nicu for 2 days before she died so my only pics of her are in there, I love looking at them and have them up around the house.

Dd2 was born last wed and is still in SCBU now - no way would I consider not taking & showing off her pics, we are really proud of her!!

Ignore your rude friend & of course put the pics in the book.

Lollydaydream · 15/04/2013 21:12

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread; it's giving me hope that one day I will be able to look at my dd's NICU photos differently. At the moment they still put me back in that place of anxiety, guilt and fear but I know I will have to explain it all to her, and her sister, one day. She was only in for ten days and I think I do in some ways pretend it all started properly when she was out. That tends to be how my family deal with these sort of things, but she has some developmental issues (not too major) and I will have to explain it to her.

Sirzy · 15/04/2013 21:15

We have a photo on the wall of my sons first smile - is is on oxygen in the photo and it is a beautiful picture.

I have photos of him on CPAP which he will see when he is older

You can't hide what has happened from them.

TallGiraffe · 15/04/2013 21:17

I started life in SCBU and the very first photo in my parents' photo album is the Polaroid photo the nurses took of me all hooked up to tubes so that my mum would know what I looked like (she was hemmaraging and didn't see me for ages). I love that photo. As a child I thought it was amazingly cool. As a teenager it gave me a glimpse into the intense emotion that my Dad felt for me - he still gets tears in his eyes when he talks about my horrendous birth. And now as an adult I love that despite my crap start in life I am happy and blessed to have my own family. Medicine rocks.

quoteunquote · 15/04/2013 21:17

Your friend is emotionally stunted, take no notice and include the photos.

How sad for her, she will struggle with life.

KatyDid02 · 15/04/2013 21:25

YANBU. There are pictures of my DC in SCBU in the baby album, it was how things were at the time and it never occurred to me not to put them in there.

Crocodilehunter · 15/04/2013 21:39

YANBU that's a part of your DD's life and she should see and be proud of those pictures

thereonthestair · 15/04/2013 22:02

Yanbu. Your friend is. I have a picture on ds on my desk, in an incubator, on a ventilator. It is the single most important photo I have of him, and I am so proud of how far we have come. I sometimes refer to it as my life is too short photo, for when life is getting to me, it has my hand in it so you can see how tiny he is. I also have photos of him with his kaye walker grinning from ear to ear. I will not airbrush the hard stuff out. It's would be as if I wanted a different child. Ds is my ds, that was how he was born and a key part of his life. I didn't get the baby bump or newborn cuddles, we got tubes and wires and it is no less important.

Original poster
redwellybluewelly · 15/04/2013 23:05

To all those whose children didn't come home I am so sorry for your loss

Thank you everyone for the support, it was a crazy start to life and she is just as determined now as she was then - I have spent this evening working through the thousands of pictures we have of her to find the best for her book, (it might just bankrupt me if I put all of them in) they are as you say part of her arrival.

Zombie you made me laugh, McNewPants I think I will ensure the photos we put in are not in any way gruesome - DD will want to take the book places where there are younger children (and older - my DNephew is incredibly sensitive to hospitals) but we should be more confident in explaining she was very poorly. Might be a good lesson for all of my grownup family - most do not wish to talk about her early days.

OP posts:
mintyneb · 15/04/2013 23:06

My DD spent nearly 2 months in a NNU and had two lots of surgery in that time. We have photos of her on a ventilator the day after her first op; me giving her her first bath complete with a stoma bag and a long line in her scalp. All these have gone into a photobook which will one day be hers to keep.

She has a chronic health condition and has had 2 further hospital admissions (she's now 6 yo) and we have photos of those times too.

We couldn't not as these all document her life and what she has gone through to get where she is now.

Your friend is the one with the problem, not you

anothershittynickname · 15/04/2013 23:24

YADNBU - your friend is a twat.

DD2 spent her first 2 months in hospital, 2 weeks of which were in NICU, ventilated and in an induced coma - these pics are in her baby book because like you I believe that this was an important part of her life journey.

Please leave them in xx

WilsonFrickett · 15/04/2013 23:24

Your friend is definitely BU. I'm on the SN boards a lot and we often get MNers saying 'we have just found out my friend's baby/family member's baby has x and will be born with y issues, what should we do to support them?' and I always say 'remember the camera'. The first days of any life is precious and you don't want to miss them. So I'm glad you have photos and you defiantly are NOT BU to share them with dd.

McNewPants2013 · 15/04/2013 23:28

That make sense.

cardamomginger · 15/04/2013 23:38

YANBU. It's part of her story and part of your history as a family. I think it's not healthy to want to erase that part of her life, or pretend that it was different, and leave it as a blank (although it might be completely understandable why someone might want to do that if things had been very traumatic - not judging, just saying it wouldn't be healthy).

And as for the 'creepy' remark - well, she was always your beautiful, treasured baby girl, nothing creepy about having photos of her at all.

blueshoes · 16/04/2013 00:23

Absolutely fine and you should. My dd spent 2 weeks in NICU/SCBU, then had open heart surgery at 4 months. She is now 9 and still loves to look at the baby photos of herself post-op all swollen with a big red stitch wound going down her chest, wires and tubes all over and asking questions.

Roobot · 16/04/2013 00:38

DD was in NICU for a week, and we took loads of pics (we didn't really know what was wrong with her-unexplained breathing difficulties- and so we genuinely didn't know what was going to happen). If someone told me they were weird or creepy I would be really upset and I think I would tell them so. Its part of her start, and I want her to know all about it when she is old enough. Yout friend sounds like an arse!

susiey · 16/04/2013 07:32

Yanbu nicu is an important part of her journey your friend is completely wrong about this!
Put them in there with pride

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