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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!

185 replies

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/04/2013 11:34

In a nutshell..

MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.

Her day being my wedding day!!

Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)

Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!

I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'

So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!! Grin

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 14/04/2013 19:48

Oh and OP

YANBU

Original poster
Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/04/2013 19:53

ivy It's the MIL who goes on the silence offensive.

DH has simply just had enough this time and said no way is he contacting her first.

Mil is being ridiculous not seeing her DD this weekend because of this disagreement. If I thought for a minute she'd take a phone call off me, I would ring.

She never rings our house phone, in order that she doesn't have to speak to me!

Have already suggested a party - she was very rude and dismissive about the suggestion (suggested that when she kicked off originally about who was invited!)

So all I can do is text her really.

OP posts:
maddening · 14/04/2013 20:01

If mil wants a grand party for her selected rellies then she can organise herself one.

Op yanbu - all you can hope for now is that she cuts you out too :)

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2013 20:01

I really wouldn't bother...

shewhowines · 14/04/2013 20:32

You are never going to please her or make her like yourself and DD, so just do your own thing. Be polite and keep the moral high ground. Be civil but assertive.

I,d be surprised if she comes if I were you, if she only stayed at her DD,s for an hour.

fluffyraggies · 14/04/2013 20:52

OMG OP!
So she's the MIL who invited loads of people to the wedding before it was properly planned and then refused to give your mother the addresses for sending out the invites!

God i got so angry on your behalf on that thread!

The nature of your wedding (short church ceremony + formal meal) means child free is entirely reasonable. Your MIL will cope without the golden child for an afternoon.

Def. stick to your guns.

ivykaty44 · 14/04/2013 21:08

Op sorry I thought I had read it as your df was doing the silent treatment.

Tell her then to get a grip as no one wants a tantruming mil at the wedding so if she doesn't want to come she can stay home with the nephew

Chucksteak · 14/04/2013 21:18

gail734 MIL wanted me to wear a neck to toe covering virginal white meringue with the veil that she wore at her wedding. I am tall and well built in proportion and I felt that white wouldn't suit my colouring. I wore a black minidress with biker boots to the registry office - definitely more me Grin

(Sorry about thread hijack OP)

gail734 · 14/04/2013 21:23

Love it. Why the F would anyone want to get married in their MIL's old veil??

OP hope you're enjoying the peace!

cheekyangel · 14/04/2013 21:35

In slight defence of MiLs especially those of Irish extraction (mentioned earlier on) weddings are a family occasion and very much oriented to parents, aunts, uncles and cousins etc. You know I think it is about expectations and managing those.
That being said I think OP is marrying into a right rum lot, but then so did I and 20+ years later with 3 DCs we are still together Smile ♥

cheekyangel · 14/04/2013 21:37

Those hieroglyphs were a love heart

aufaniae · 14/04/2013 22:00

psst cheekyangel ♥

Drop the ; and add

gail734 · 14/04/2013 22:55

Cheeky I would SO start a thread on Irish Mammies in Law if I thought I could get away with it!

HRHLadyG · 14/04/2013 23:02

Cross! You could have your Wedding day exactly as you like it....and then suggest you have a HUGE Blessing/ Reception etc and as this is sooooooooo important to her I'm sure she'd happily pay for it ALL! x

cheekyangel · 14/04/2013 23:35

Gail Irish MiLs, yes please Wink ♥

LoganMummy · 14/04/2013 23:48

It always amazes me how crazy peoe can get over other people's weddings!

We had some crazy reactions from DH's family. We stuck to what we wanted but its caused a big rift. FIL and I haven't spoken for 6 years and SIL and I don't really any more. All because they didn't get their own way. Bit sad really (and I hate how it upset my DH).

Good luck and remember its your day!

candyandyoga · 15/04/2013 12:44

Whilst I don't think you are unreasonable, I DO think the not inviting your 11 month old nephew is very off. He is only a baby and you are having your baby there so it seems funny of you. Not because of your MIL's feelings, but just that your baby daughter will be there and he is her baby cousin and you seem to not want him there because he might get some attention which is really odd of you.

You mil is a twat, but I think you should invite your sil along with her baby. You seem very over the top about the no child thing.

EldritchCleavage · 15/04/2013 13:14

I remember Op's invitations thread, and based on both threads, I think the attention thing is a bit unfair. Her DH2B is obviously a member of a family of complete drama llamas, led by the MIL. Perhaps it's not so much about being the centre of attention as trying not to have lots of drama and negativity, but just getting the MIL to focus politely on her son's wedding for an afternoon.

cory · 15/04/2013 13:25

I don't think it's the MIL thing: it's exactly what my mother would have done if I hadn't given her pretty well free hands in organising our wedding (but she did pay for it too to be fair).

Am now wondering how I am going to get out of her organising my 50th birthday- big event in my culture, but I really do think when you're 50 you should be able to do it for yourself.

Dh's 50th a few years ago was somewhat disturbed by my mother rushing from the table in tears because I had bought paper napkins instead of using her cloth ones and hadn't been able to find room for candles on the table. What she now remembers of dh's birthday was that nobody could be bothered to organise anything because we were so tired after the Christmas festivities! (Dh and I had cooked a bloody 3 course dinner!)

She was desperately unhappy on her own 50th, sobbing in bed because she wasn't able to have the big do she wanted. Now she will make mine an equally stressful event. It's not that I mind a big party- don't particularly care tbh- but she cannot just do things calmly. I have tried to compromise on having one official family party and then a quiet day on my actual birthday, but the latest hints are that her and my dad are planning to come over on the birthday too- and I can just see the way this is heading... linen napkins and tears of stress.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2013 13:37

She never rings our house phone, in order that she doesn't have to speak to me!

This for me would be sufficient not to contemplate inviting her in the first place.

MIL has paid no attention at all to our baby DD since she was born

That would seal it!

Phantomteadrinker · 15/04/2013 13:54

You sound a bit jealous of your nephew tbh. He is your nephew too ( you keep referring to 'Dhs nephew or the nephew' which is a bit odd) and you are marrying into a family. I'm all for having the wedding you want but I do think that weddings should be family affairs and I think excluding close family is unreasonable. Is it really worth falling out for....?

helenthemadex · 15/04/2013 14:19

It doesn't sound like a close family at all, Im sure that the OP said she had only met future sil twice and that she was surprised to be invited, I would be curious to know how she feels about her ds not being invited.

as for the MIL who has not seen her DGD since Christmas and shows no interest in her, whilst at the same time making a huge fuss over her DGS, who is her world, that is insulting and incredibly hurtful, that alone would be enough for me to tell her where to go

foreverondiet · 15/04/2013 14:23

When we got married we were both 22 and my parents paid for almost everything. As a result me DH and Mil has little say, and we (me and DH) only allowed 30 friends (out of 200 people). I assume you are paying not your parents/mil? even then your mil is being pathetic but I think you are silly not to invite Bil and allow dn to come if he is tiny....

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 14:51

Personally, I think you are very brave marrying into a family where:

your DH's sister didn't feel it appropriate to invite her own brother to her wedding

No one talks to BIL, and it's assumed he'll never be invited to any family event, but rather than cut out her parents for this huge snub, the SIL takes her DS over to the MIL in order for him to be "the centre of MIL's world", attends events happily without him and seems to have no problem with her DH being airbrushed out of the family.

The family think it's appropriate to invite perferred people with their preferred child, rather than couples (see the aunt and her DD being invited, not aunt and uncle when numbers are tight).

The MIL feels she has a say over an event that someone else is paying for when she can't be bothered having much to do with the bride or the grandchild on that side.

It just seems all very odd and if they've normalised this idea of cutting some people out and playing favourites. That everyone accepts MIL's odd behaviour and goes along with it (if I got an invite for me and DS but not me and DH, then I wouldn't go, the fact that an Aunt isn't insulted that she's been invited with her DD rather than her DH suggests it's not just MIL who acts like this in the extended family, that no one kicked off at the OP's DH not being invited to his own sister's wedding also seems to suggest it's ok to pick and chose who is and isn't 'close family'). If MIL is happy for you to invite only one half of a couple because she doesnt like the other half, then she has no right to complain about a baby not being invited to a No Children wedding.

MIL not wanting to have anything to do with your DD might be a blessing in disguise, you dno't want DD raised thinking this is not odd in the extreme.

Jammother · 15/04/2013 16:00

My MIL offered me her old wedding dress to wear for our wedding. I tried politely declining but she still made me try it on!