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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!

185 replies

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/04/2013 11:34

In a nutshell..

MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.

Her day being my wedding day!!

Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)

Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!

I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'

So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!!

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 14/04/2013 17:36

I think having read your previous thread, then you have every right to hold the line on this one, personally I'd have got stroppy earlier, but then that's me.

i think she needs to be told, she's lucky she's getting an invite at this rate. If she decides not to come, fine.

sometimes, it takes something big like a wedding or having a DC for you to see how much everyone panders to a certain person in a family and how they aren't being flexible back ever. If she's refusing to have anything to do with your DD, then I'd consider how important you want her to be in your life and your wedding - someone who has not seen her own grandchild (dispite living relatively close and having offers to visit) since Christmas is not someone who gets to decide they are "close family" - she's close on the family tree, but in reality, she's a stranger to her DGD and not someone you have in your day to day life. She therefore doesn't get her feelings taken into consideration above yours.

ParadiseChick · 14/04/2013 17:37

Stick to your guns by all means, just be prepared to be marked as the attention seeking diva who didn't want her nephew at the wedding in case he stole the limelight.

Your mil was probably looking forward to a day with all her offspring and grandchildren together and some nice snaps but is now upset there's going to be someone obviously very important to her missing and it so t go unnoticed. Salvagable? Unless you change your mind I'd say no.

ilovecolinfirth · 14/04/2013 17:37

When my brother got married future SIL said no children and was slightly funny when she found out we were expecting. We put no pressure on her but fortunately she changed her mind. I would have had to have missed my brothers wedding otherwise as my son was 3 months old and refusing a bottle.

ParadiseChick · 14/04/2013 17:38

*isn't going to go unnoticed

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/04/2013 17:46

Sunshine - in a 'normal' family I think a nephew would be invited but you know so would a bil. Great aunt whoever who you never see I get not inviting but immediate family - well I don't think its normal not to invite them really.

But I think there is a lot more to the 'feud' that OP has mentioned so I'm not going to judge why BIL isn't invited. And sounds like its not exactly a close family and there's a lot of resentment and jealousy between the OP's DH and his sister.

Hugglepuff · 14/04/2013 17:47

Wish I had had more guts to stand up to my MIL. My DH and I got married 14 years ago - really lovely wedding although probably did not know about 1/4 of the guests who were MIL's cousins two and three times removed - haven't seen them since . Although one did send the most original wedding present - a welcome to Benidorm tea towel and tray !

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/04/2013 17:49

I do think its very sad when there's so much competition over attention with regards to gc. I know my mil feels she can't ever really mention my dc's to my sil/bil as they want all her attention on their dc's when she's with them.

onedev · 14/04/2013 18:00

Are you sure you want to marry into this family? It all sounds horrendous & your future DH would definitely need to be worth it to put up with that kind of lifetime misery! Good luck.

Pitmountainpony · 14/04/2013 18:09

Gail734-I don't think new parents think everyone wants to see their golden child- just the more narcissistic parents-it is often tricky finding appropriate child care when the wedding is a way from home or you don't have family to step in- more expense on top of the expense of attending the wedding, but more that you may not feel confident leaving your child with an unknown child minder that may be the only option.
But I agree weddings are not the place for small children and i think it totally reasonable to not invite beyond babes in arms-frankly I am grateful when that invite arrives saying no kids because weddings are such a big expense and of course some might say the bride wants everyone to look at the golden bride and of course for us it is just another wedding, however much we may be pleased for the couple.......it is their one special day, but for guests, another wedding.
I think even kids birthday parties are a bit like this now too-big deal for parents but just another one for guests.

At our low key 30 guest wedding we did not invite the three kids of one couple but they responded that they would all be coming, missed the entire ceremony and made it for the meal. We just sucked it up for the sake of family harmony.
I would let the other baby come if it is a small baby.

digerd · 14/04/2013 18:09

My sis was similar. She had 2 boys, a DH and several BIL.
But it was our only DB she was determined to involve with her DSs.

She booked holidays with DB and SIL, and told me how furious she was when their older DD also came on holiday with them, as " it would be all about her niece and her boys wouldn't get a look in with DB" quote her words to me!?
I said, but of course she is their DD, but she didn't want her there to take the attention of DB away from her sons. That is being unreasonable.

gail734 · 14/04/2013 18:10

Chucksteak You are my hero. Please tell us how your crazy MIL wanted to influence your dress choice! It's the only aspect of my wedding that my bonkers MIL didn't dare approach!

Fudgemallowdelight · 14/04/2013 18:11

I think it's odd to exclude the 11 month old nephew because you don't want him to take attention away from you and your dc. Of course it's your day, but if how you want to arrange it is going to upset close family I don't see how it's going to be enjoyable for you. Perhaps just go off the registry office on your own instead?

cheeseandpineapple · 14/04/2013 18:11

Congrats OP,shame about all the politics.

Whilst you and your DH to be seem to be aligned, tread carefully how you communicate with DH's mum. It's one thing for him to be firm and alienate her but for sake of long term relationships, would try and keep moral high ground with your MIL, keep all communications as civil as you can and just refer her to your DH if need be and make clear these are joint decisions and best she follows up with him rather than you risk falling out with her further and being villain of the piece.

No matter what, am sure you will have an amazing day. When I watch back our DVD of our ceremony, I hadn't realised how many kids were squaking during the ceremony and a mobile phone went off but I was oblivious to it all and was completely focused on my DH and no matter what was happening in the background, felt like it was all about me and DH. No kid, despite the millions who seemed to come along, stole our thunder!

There were times during the planning we thought about eloping but on the day itself, it was just magic. Hope it is for you too, no matter what.

fluffiphlox · 14/04/2013 18:13

I am not a MIL (or even a M) but old enough to be. As I understand it, your wedding is yours and nobody else's. Ignore, don't mollify her, just get on with it. She's bonkers.

sherazade · 14/04/2013 18:22

you had my deepest sympathies until I read this:

One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)

KitchenandJumble · 14/04/2013 18:28

Threads like this make me profoundly grateful that DH and I opted for the equivalent of a registry office wedding. So much angst and drama seem to surround traditional weddings. It's definitely not for me.

I think the whole situation sounds a bit odd here. In your place, I would go ahead and invite the nephew. It does seem mean to allow your own child but not a close relative of the same age. Also I'm somewhat taken aback by your partner's desire to be the centre of attention. Really?

TBH, if I were the SIL, I would politely decline the invitation if my DH and DS were not invited. How on earth does she put up with this family situation, where her own husband is not welcome to visit her parents or attend family events?

Original poster

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/04/2013 18:48

I really didn't phrase this very well at all

The bit about DH thinking her focus should be on him for a change was a comment made in verbal response to a nasty text from her saying that she was outraged nephew wasn't invited because he was her world and she wouldn't enjoy the day unless he was there too.

DH felt at that point that it was a weird thing to say - your only son is getting married yet as a mother you can't enjoy it because your grandson isn't there? Surely a mother can totally enjoy watching her son getting married without the baby son of her daughter in her arms?

Incidentally, as we have a baby, I asked my mum how she would feel if my DD wasn't invited to my brother's wedding, and she said a. she wouldn't presume my DD was invited and b. if that's what the couple wanted, then it's only for a few hours, that's fine.

I also kind of asked myself would I presume that my DD would be invited to my brother's wedding- and honestly I can say that, no, I would not presume she would be invited at all.

Having said all that..I do understand that she's upset he's not invited. However, given all the background (too long and complicated to go into on here, but lets just say, she has form) her reaction has simply told DH that he's not important to her, and that she prioritises nephew over the feelings over her own son.

Given nephew is far too young to have any feelings whatsoever about being at the wedding or not, does seem bizarre..no?

And there is no child care issue here - as mentioned earlier in thread. I wouldn't invite a SIL and BIL and not their baby - that would be weird because of course, who would look after the baby? But in this instance, Dad is there to look after the baby?

OP posts:

poglol · 14/04/2013 18:51

It's your wedding and your choice. This is true of course. However you are going to be related to your MIL for a long time. Pick your battles.

Original poster

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/04/2013 18:51

paradisechick

Agree, agree..but here's the kicker. For her own daughter's wedding, she and FIL only attended for an hour....none of the siblings attended (DH included as weren't invited by MIL) and hardly any relatives.

So seemingly, weddings to her are all about family, but only when it suits her...certainly wasn't at her own daughter's wedding...so why would she think it would be at mine?!

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 14/04/2013 18:58

Wish don't worry about it, I think it was clear from your posts that you hadnt invited Nephew as you weren't inviting children except your own but then who the bloody hell would you leave her with?
That it wasn't personal to Nephew (who will neither know nor care) or a childish attempt to ensure all attention was on you (just that it would be nice if your MIL focused on her soon for 4hrs).

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 14/04/2013 18:59

YANBU I don't see why you should invite the nephew if you aren't close/ to SIL and have only met him once. It's bizarre that some people think that the label of family should override anything else in weddings.
A small meal and official registry office wedding sounds lovely and is not a child-friendly event. Stick to your guns!

Original poster

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/04/2013 19:17

mimi

This is exactly how DH and I both feel.

OP posts:

sneezecakesmum · 14/04/2013 19:27

Sorry not to read whole thread but speaking as a MIL you are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable!

I seriously wonder what planet some people come from, MILs included.

I am not in the slightest bit like that No really...I'm not

ivykaty44 · 14/04/2013 19:45

There are so many ins and out of child free weddings that it becomes a farce.

Op does your df often give people the silent treatment to try to sort out a problem? I would get everyone to talk and communicate rather than avoid confrontation.

Phone up MIL and tell her she is being silly not coming to see her grandchild because she wants to punish her son and dil to be. Tell your df to start talking to his mother to try to sort out this mess - silent treatment just doesn't work.

Can you suggest a party later in the year that MIL can put on for the wedding guest she wants to invite and she can organise how she likes?

ivykaty44 · 14/04/2013 19:48

Also is your Mil socially inept and possibly wants the baby as a distraction for her to focus on? She maybe nervous at gatherings and feel that the baby would give her a safety net so she doesn't have to think of small talk with your family and friends?

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