If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!

[Wishwehadgoneabroad]

In a nutshell..

MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.

Her day being my wedding day!!

Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)

Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!

I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'

So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!!

Teeny baby not tent baby!

Weddings are not "all about family" some are but only if that's the kind of wedding you want. Essentially you're signing a contract and celebrating it.

You can therefore bloody well have the wedding you want. 100s of kids dancing in the aisles, or none at all. As for the poster who said they'd be annoyed if their children weren't invited but the B&Gs were? Seriously, your child is not of equal status as theirs at THEIR wedding.

OP if I were you, I'd caw back some control over the invite list and tell MIL that on reflection, you've both decided to invite nephew and BIL, because she's right, family is important and they are a family (try not to cackle evilly when you do). What can she possibly say to that?

Right. Will try and answer some questions raised

DH and I are paying for half of the wedding - my folks are paying for the other half.

Nephew is a baby, but not a young baby (11 months?) I've only met him the once - quite a cute little thing actually. My reason for not wanting him there is not about him. I just simply want a child free afternoon! (apart from my own!) My own goddaughter isn't invited but her parents are, and if anything, I would have expected them to have an issue, but they simply said they were looking forward to an afternoon without the kids! (especially as it is only 4-5 hrs)

DH thinks child free is great. The comment about the focus being on him, was more as a response to MIL kicking off and saying that nephew was her world, and DH saying well surely I should be your world on my wedding day. As in, surely for just one afternoon, MIL can give her own son some attention.

Also, MIL has paid no attention at all to our baby DD since she was born, so I though it would be nice if DD is only baby there and MIL can actually lavish some time and attention on her for a change?

BIL is not invited ...a. because MIL and FIL don't speak to him and don't accept him as part of their family. Something to do with some kind of dodgy activity but not sure what!
b. because DH hates him (again, something to do with above but not sure of all the ins and outs!)

I have never met BIL. When sister goes to Mil's house, BIL is not welcome.

It's a very small do - we have split the list 3 ways, some for my family, some for MIL's family, some for our friends. When DH asked for addresses to send the invites to MIL's side she kicked off and said she disagreed with who he wanted to invite.

So DH changed the guest list on that side to keep MIL happy. There are some odd invites - as in, an aunty and a daughter, but not the uncle.

Invites were addressed to Mr and Mrs So and So. They were quite clear (I thought) about who the invited person/persons were.

I totally take the points though about letting nephew come to keep MIL happy.

I just feel aggrieved on DH's behalf that on the one big day in his life she is adamant she won't be happy there unless her grandson is in her arms. Surely she should be wanting to focus her attention on her own son for once? Surely she can do without her grandson for 4-5 hours?!

Oh. Whole family dynamics on DH's side is drama drama drama!!

Anyways. She's now made things perfectly clear that her focus is her grandson as she's thrown the rattle out of the cot and refused to come to see her granddaughter (my DD) this weekend out of protest!!!!

Gail 734 - Babies don't enjoy weddings, won't remember them and frequently make a right pain of themselves (crying through the vows, squealing, playing in the aisle - seen it all)

This was precisely why we wanted child free.

We both agreed that whilst we'd probably find it endearing if 10month old DD did this, we certainly wouldn't find it endearing off another child!

I do think its a bit mean not to invite your nephew - sorry but I do. Its entirely up to you but you are in my opinion storing up a lot of future resentment with your sil if you do the 'we want the attention on our child' thing.

But its your wedding so you get to make the choices - hope it goes well and you manage to smooth things over with your mil.

Am assuming there's a big complicated back story with the talk of fueds etc.

I think that the whole thing sounds like a nightmare -and I have graduated from the irrational MIL school with honours
I do think however that excluding baby nephew is mean - especially if he and DD are the only 2 grand children ?

His presence will mean that MIL will be engrossed in him and less likely to cause more chaos. I think it's very much a case of picking your battles.

Feuds not fueds

Oh I do think its a bit mean to have your own 10 month old there but not your 11 month old nephew but then I have a great relationship with my sister and my nephews and nieces so probably a very different scenario.

I think you need to get DH to explain fully why he won't invite BIL, because that's really, really rude. And if you are going to marry into this nightmare clan family, you should know the reasons certain people are excluded. If it's something you would think nothing off, then you have to question how easily it would be for you to be cut out too.

Are you the one who's MIL wanted to control the sending of the invites out too and wouldn't give you addresses? Were you able to get them out without her?

There's a point when I'd say enough - stick to your guns and MIL refuses to go,all the better.

If you invite baby nephew then the floodgates may open - others will then expect to bring their children too. Child free is child free - I don't think it's mean at all!

Bride and Groom bringing their children entirely different, it's their day.

I've been to several child free weddings but it hasn't applied to nephews and nieces.

But it all sounds very odd with the not invited BIL - I mean if I was the SIL there's no way I'd go to a wedding where I had to leave my baby in case he got any attention and my husband behind. That would really be very very odd.

God people on here get upset all the time if their partners aren't invited to stuff.

Do you mind me asking whether you guys are religious? Because on a slightly side note, church weddings were supposedly instituted of God for the procreation of children, and I always find it a bit odd when people having a church wedding say they don't want any there. Crying babies, crying mils it's all part of the fun to me!

In my experience, weddings bring out the worst in families. They see it as an occasion to see all their family and mils expect to have a say.
Doesn't mean they should!
We were faced with mil wanting extra friends of hers and offering to pay the extra. Whereas my parents wanted extra family too but couldn't afford to pay the extra for them.. The wedding was completely one sided! All of my dh's family and hardly any from mine..
You are doing the best thing you can do by standing up to her. It'll show that in future you won't be walked all over. The same controlling traits will probably raise its head again but she knows how you will deal with it now which is great!
It's your day not hers - hopefully she will back down and realise she is not the boss of you.

Well, if MIL is not coming a space has opened up for you to invite SIL's DH ...

You and your husband to be sound very, very petty and jealous of the attention a baby gets! How lame.

It's the OP and her partner's wedding day. They are entitled to have the day they want. They have already made more concessions than perhaps they should.

I like children at weddings, but it's nothing to do with me or the MiL. It's up to them.

But I would like to know what FiL has to say about it all...

Said it before, it's not about the baby!

We'd like a lovely adult afternoon, with the only fuss coming from our own daughter. It's not a big traditional style wedding. Just a quiet meal with some good friends after the ceremony.

I do think having our daughter there is slightly different to having other people's there.

don't mind Yes, that's the one. It took 3 weeks and 9 phone calls before she finally gave them to me. Best bit. She insisted that a sister of hers was invited. Sister hasn't bothered to rsvp (which my mum is a little about and has simply sent message via MIL to say they're not coming. After all that fuss.....

And yes..big complicated backstory of feuds.

SIL is probably surprised she is even invited. I've only met her twice and as I said, DH doesn't get on with her. DH told her straight when we got engaged that her husband wouldn't be invited. So honestly, sounds awful, but if nephew not invited means sil doesn't come, that would actually please DH so thus please me? I wouldn't be bothered either way really, I don't know her and it wouldn't make a difference whether she was there or not iykwim.

Of course its their day but if you make decisions like baby nephews and bil not being invited - not unexpected that some people may be pissed off.

Personally if I was SIL I'd just not come.

And if I was the OP I'd want to know why BIL is so excluded in case that happned to me one day.

And for me it was the wanting attention on the OP's DH and their baby rather than the nephew that just seemed rather odd but probably tells a lot about the general family dynamics.

And God I hate this 'its their day' thing its up their with 'my house my rules' in being so ungracious and lacking in being a kind and thoughtful host but I realise I am in the minority on here in thinking that.

Wish - I think it all sounds very very complicated - and I do really hope that your MIL doesn't ruin your wedding.

The invitations things sounds umm mad.

I also think its bizarre that you are marrying in to this family without knowing the backstory to this enormous family rift.

I have the Mil from hell. Our wedding became such a battleground arguing over who was on the guest list, children/babies, in-laws, out-laws, the venue, the bridesmaids, the flowers, the canapés, the champagne, the dress (!), the band/disco - every fecking thing.

After one final spectacular row when my Mil called my DH a selfish bastard because he had the audacity to ask me if it was a good idea to have a joint stag/hen do (to save some cash - the wedding was heading towards £20,000 of our money at this point), DH pulled the plug on the entire wedding.

After the dust settled, we left work early one day, went to the registry office, grabbed two strangers off the street as witnesses and got married. We had a wedding supper at a hotel. It was lovely. Everyone was pissed off with us, but we couldn't care less.

It's your wedding - do what YOU want - to hell with what anyone else thinks!

We're not talking about some random child, it's your nephew and not inviting him is obviously causing upset.

But as long as your dh2b and dd are centre of attention that's all that matters

I do know the majority of the background as to why BIL is excluded..just don't want to out myself on here!

chuck that sounds FAB.

MrsCampbell but you can be a kind and thoughtful host without inviting a bunch of people you don't actually want to celebrate your marriage with.

It doesn't sound like OP needs to worry about her DH cutting her out in the same way as BIL unless she's thinking of taking part in some "dodgy activity".
Stick to your guns OP, you don't have to invite people you barely know (or like) just because their faamily even if they're just a baby and especially if your goddaughter isn't invited either

She does sound a real pain and is obviously very rude. However, I do think it can be difficult to not invite nephews and nieces. When my br