"Ring me when you've arrived or i shall sit here and worry ... and ring me when you know what time you'll be on your way home" AIBU

[fluffyraggies]

... to think NO mother, I wont! FGS

Please, i'm old enough to have a 20 year old daughter and i just want this break away from everything with my DH for our 1st anniversary, in Wales, and not worry about ringing people up every 10 minutes.

It's only 2 hours away. We're only there for 2 bloody nights - we're under heaps of stress right now, and it will all still be here waiting for us when we get back again. We just want to drive away tomorrow and forget about everything for a short time.

Do you all still ring your mothers when you arrive somewhere? Do they do the guilt trip thing if you don't? Am i just being a cow here?

Venting.

I totally agrre OP that this must be so frustrating.

My mother couldn't care less what I do, in fact we no longer have a relationship, but I still wouldn't want this kind of overbearing needy mother. It's a form of control imo.

People who worry and faff needlessly are really annoying.

I have to phone my mum - just let the phone ring three times then hang up. It's a pre-arranged signal that I've arrived/am OK but we don't actually have to speak! My mum doesn't do texting BTW.

DH has to phone his mum whenever we/he goes anywhere.

The first thing he did on honeymoon was ring her.

Pathetic.

just say no news is good news ... I'm sure Claudia Lawrence's family don't think so

I used to have this with my late grandmother (my grandparents brought me up from the age of 12).

The problem was that it wasn't consistent - sometimes she wouldn't be bothered about me ringing. Other times she would go absolutely mad because I hadn't rung after driving the 20 minutes or so home from visiting her in broad daylight - when she'd never asked me to. I'd get the full on "I thought you were dead in a ditch. You're so selfish. I don't ask much."

It made things rather fraught over the last few years of her life.

I also have a bit of a telephone issue with my father - I was estranged from him forover 20 years and made contact after DS1 was born. He's a decent, long-distance grandfather, but our relationship is cordial, rather than close. He's mellowed a lot in his old age and I suspect he's worried about losing contact again, but he drives me bonkers sometimes. He'll ring and leave a voicemail in a worried voice. "I was just a bit worried because I hadn't heard from you recently. Can you let me know if everything is alright."

If I don't reply pretty much immediately, I'll get another worried-voice message "Oh, KFP, I'm getting quite worried now. Can you call me."

Aaaargh! You didn't bother for over 2 decades and suddenly if you don't hear within 5 minutes you assume there's been some massive catastrophe.

It makes me not want to speak to him at all. I have now insisted on him getting an email address which makes things a bit better - he gives me at least half a day before sending a repeat message - and I can't hear the exaggerated worried voice!

As a daughter (mum is 93 today! Happy Birthday Mum!) I found my mum's need for me to tell her I was home safely very irritating and unreasonable.

As the mother of a driving daughter I think it is perfectly reasonable for her to send me a quick text to reassure me she has not been squashed under a lorry/mugged at a service station/abducted for the white slave trade. What it will be like when she is in charge of my grandchildren I really can't imagine. Not to call me is inconsiderate and selfish as I will only be sitting here imagining the worst.

Please, one quick phone call, put your mum out of her misery.

I live 45 minutes away from my Mum and she insists I call/text to let her know I got home safely. I am in my mid 30's. She drives me insane but if I say I wont call/text she tells me that I am selfish and that she will be sick with worry.

Why do women (and it does sound as though it is the women) have to catastrophise and panic like this though? It's unnecessary and silly. Why should any woman fear that a relative may die on a short car journey just because they started the car journey at their house rather than anywhere else?
I think it's selfish to impose your own neuroses on your relatives.
If you panic every time your relatives get in a car after visiting you then see a psychologist, emotionally blackmailing them into phoning you IS being selfish, the person wanting unnecessary phonecalls is the unreasonable one. What if you get home and the phone lines are down and the mobile has ran out of batteries? You then have to traipse around looking for a callbox just to make an unnecessary call.

I do think it's ridiculous. I can sort of accept it for long distance flights, but to check in after a car journey? Bizarre! My partners parents are like this though, it's definitely a control thing. It's intrusive if nothing else.

Don't give in. If you do all this calling, you lock yourself into something that will spoil your weekend.
I would tell your mother that you will only ring her when you get back. The more you reassure her, the more reassurance she will demand/need. And feeding the anxiety is not really doing your mother any favours.

2rebecca, thanks for describing me as a catastrophiser, panicker, silly, selfish, neurotic, in need of a psychologist, an emotional blackmailer, selfish again, and unreasonable. I stand chastised.

You said that if your daughter didn't call you she would be inconsiderate and selfish.
I think it is selfish, controlling and manipulative to tell other people that unelss THEY behave in x way then YOU will be very upset, especially when there is no sensible reason for you to get upset.
I travel quite alot though so do find all this hyperventilating angst over fairly short car journeys silly, especially when it often only applies to car journeys that start at the fusspot's house as though that is the centre of death or something.
I can't imagine saying to my kids "you MUST do this or I will be upset". Why should I make my neuroses their problem?

I agree with 2Rebecca. It's completely neurotic.

My parents and I do 3 rings, whoever has been visiting who(m?).

DH and I text a quick 'safe n sound' to each other when one has cycled somewhere.

I think it's nice to know loved ones are are alright - we are a bit of a busy here there and everywhere family - however (a) we have had traffic-bereavements so that experience is at back of your mind and (b) there is no guilt tripping involved.

Fluffy, can you phone her just as you are heading out the door to a spa appointment/the bar/the restaurant/anywhere really, and tell her
"Hi Mum, I can't stay on the phone long, DH and I are heading out right now but as you wanted me to phone you to let you know we've arrived, well, we've arrived. I'm sorry I can't stay on the phone now so I'll have to go. When I get back home, I'll phone you again, BYE". Do that without taking a breath (if you can) and don't let her get a word in. That should just about do it, don't you think?

2Rebecca I think you need to appreciate that people have different circumstances and that counselling etc doesn't always work.

My mum had a couple of horrific experiences as a child when separated from her parents (she was a war baby). She then lost her dad suddenly aged 12, and her mum suddenly as an adult. My DD & I are he only child and grandchild.

She has seen psychologists, had group therapy, CBT & medication. She's conquered agrophobia & claustrophobia to the extent that she can live a normal life, although she doesn't travel anymore. Separation anxiety is her remaining neurosis - she's done her best and at 74 years of age with various health issues I'm not going to villify her for wanting to hear from me to put her mind at rest.

She mostly only does it when I go out of town, and she does text, Skype & email which admittedly makes it easier though.

Everything that 2rebecca said. And LeQ.
As for long plane journeys, even sillier. You are much more at risk in a car.
Actually, come to think of it, statistically you are more likely to be killed by your partner than anything else, so should we all be ringing home every time our partners arrive home??
My grandmother cannot get her head round the fact that I drive at night. But cannot explain what she thinks the danger is (because it is completely illogical)

Anxiety can be an illness, LaQueen.

If one of your parents was diagnosed with cancer would you say 'That's your problem'?

I try to explain that rail and plane crashes are well reported and if there's no newsflash, please assume I've got yo my destination safely.

OP, YANBU. I think everyone here can see this from a parents perspective(worried!) but it sounds to me like you need to put yourself first at least for this break. Can you take a deep breath and say, "Mum, you know I love you but we really need to take it easy while we're in Wales. We don't know yet what our plans are for while we're there, and I think mobile signal will be poor. We are setting off at x time on x day and back by bedtime on y day. I'll call you the next morning and we can chat then! The DC will be here if you need anything."

Also, your DC sound old enough to give you a little help with this. Do they know their mum and dad desperately need a break? Can then call in quickly on their Grandma, maybe make her a cup of tea and have a chat? It would be a small thing to do for them but I suspect would make a big difference to your mum and to your enjoyment of your holiday. Apologies if there are complications that make this unfeasible.

Please promise yourself you will enjoy the time in Wales - hope you have a lovely holiday.

DH and I both let our mothers know when we arrive somewhere - it only takes a minute and makes them happy and reassured. DH has clearly internalised that that's what you do, though - if I drive anywhere for work other than my usual office, which I do at least once a week, he worries if I don't text when I arrive and when I leave. I'm not so keen - I feel checked up on, and I don't always go straight back when I leave, I might pop into the office/Tesco's/ get a coffee on the way, so knowing when I've set off doesn't tell him when I should be home.

In my family we all do the three rings thing. Is a text or quick call really such a chore ?