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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Ring me when you've arrived or i shall sit here and worry ... and ring me when you know what time you'll be on your way home" AIBU

209 replies

fluffyraggies · 10/04/2013 15:12

... to think NO mother, I wont! FGS

Please, i'm old enough to have a 20 year old daughter and i just want this break away from everything with my DH for our 1st anniversary, in Wales, and not worry about ringing people up every 10 minutes.

It's only 2 hours away. We're only there for 2 bloody nights - we're under heaps of stress right now, and it will all still be here waiting for us when we get back again. We just want to drive away tomorrow and forget about everything for a short time.

Do you all still ring your mothers when you arrive somewhere? Do they do the guilt trip thing if you don't? Am i just being a cow here?

Venting.

OP posts:
badguider · 10/04/2013 16:38

fluffy - tell her they don't have phone reception in wales and there won't be any payphones Grin

EldritchCleavage · 10/04/2013 16:42

If you're like me it isn't just the having to ring your mother, it is bearing the constant burden of her state of anxiety and the negative thinking she brings to everything.

If I'm happy about a trip away, I don't want to hear about how it is all a source of worry to her and I rese3nt the assumption that I have to make my priority not having a good time but giving her reassurance.

It only took years of therapy (not just for this, kidding) but I stopped either acting on her anxiety or reacting to it. I did tell her that I didn't want to know about her worrying all the time and it was a bit oppressive. My mother did snap 'Should I just stop caring at all then?' And I said 'Is that the only alternative?'

She has been much much better in recent years, though she does ring constantly when the children are ill and is always wanting me to take them to the doctor.

starsandunicorns · 10/04/2013 16:42

In the days when i had a reatlionship with the mother if either of is was travling to or from each other (3-4 hour car journey) we would always ring to say back safe plus when leaving our home as then the other would know we were one the road.

My mum would always call like this when we left my dads parents so i have bern brought up with it.

When i was in the miltary and flew home or back to base i would call to say leaving or arrived as using miltary planes they had no way of tracking them and i was in other country

When I became married my the husband family never ever did this and I used to think it was very odd not to want to know someone arrived safely when we did forgein hoildays with dc I would give plane details to my parnets so they can see we landed safe

My dp family dp it too though even though we dont speak to them we get a round robin text to say arrived safely.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 10/04/2013 16:44

If my DM asks me to call, I call, unless I really do forget. As I said, she doesn't ask much anymore, and only for longer journeys. If it makes her happy, I'm more than happy to give up a minute of my time. We don't have long chats on these calls, but you always have the perfect get out "got to go Mum, we still have to unload the car"

I think if she asked me to call for a 10 minute journey (she wouldn't), I'd laugh and ask her if she'd like me to call as we leave and keep her on the line for a blow by blow commentary.

shrimponastick · 10/04/2013 16:50

Your DM is BVVVVU.

But you know that you have to call her, to put her mind at rest. just keep it short.

my DM never asks me to phone her when she arrives anywhere. I don't expect her to phone me either. We do tend to text/call from our hols abroad just to brag though Grin

Even when I was a teenager on wild boozy holidays, and trekking around India, she didn't expect me to phone. I possibly sent a postcard??

DH has to phone his DPs when we go away on holiday. They worry - particularly his DM - as she hasn't left the UK. Forrin and planes are dangerous. However DH drives hundreds of miles each week on UK motorways, which is no doubt far more dangerous than a quick flight to Spain now and again.

M25Meltdown · 10/04/2013 16:52

Just text:

Arrived alive, but only just. Will fill in the gaps when I see you.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/04/2013 16:57

I onluy ring my DM up when we get back from visiting her as it is 250 miles away. I left home at 18 and wrote weekly letters home from university, no mobiles back then.

limitedperiodonly · 10/04/2013 16:57

YANBU.

My mum doesn't insist on it at all but I know she loves me. I love her too and though she's old and decrepit Wink I haven't microchipped her so I can keep track of her travels yet either.

I did used to call when I lived at home and was staying out, but that was reasonable, even though I'm old enough to have had to find a payphone and a 10p. My mum never complained once about pissed phone calls at 2am Grin

CoffeeShoppe · 10/04/2013 16:57

Aaah bless, she is only worried for your safety. As no doubt we shall be with ours whatever age they are. At least you can just send a text. Arrived safely. Funnily enough my parents are now late 70's and are off gallivanting all over the place. I make sure they text me when they arrive, so it saves all the angst when you see on the news there has been a pile up on the M whatever.. And my DC the same. A 3 second thing to send a text won't harm your weekend.

recall · 10/04/2013 17:03

In means a lot to your DM, and will make her feel relaxed, would it hurt to phone her ? It would be a kind thing to do. It is nice to have a Mum who cares so much about you.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 10/04/2013 17:09

We just text "home" and thats it. It used to REALLY annoy me as I saw it as yet another "control thing" with my parents but now I just do it to get it out of the way. Also means I don't have to wait for the inevitable "are you home safe?" phone call

badguider · 10/04/2013 17:51

OPs mum won't accept texts or use a mobile phone - I agree a text is easy but engaging in a phonecall is not so easy, particularly if you know it's going to be made to feel guilty if you hangup without a whole conversation.

willyoulistentome · 10/04/2013 17:58

Not my mum, but MIL does this. Have to call her after journeys. She also gives us a hard time if she calls while we are and she was expecting us to be in. "You didn't tell you were going out". We are 54 and 46 FFS.

ChocolateCoins · 10/04/2013 18:00

Not exactly the same but My mum rings me all the time and suspects the worst if I don't pick up.

A few weeks ago I went food shopping and left my phone at home. My mum rang me while I was out and obviously o didn't answer. She then rang DPs phone but as we were in asda, didn't have any signal.

She then rang DPs grandparents (looking up their number in the phone book) to ask where I was because I wasn't answering my phone, and asked them to go to my house (they live on the same street as me)

When I eventually rang her back, she went crazy at me for worrying her!

EggsEggSplat · 10/04/2013 18:04

Texts don't work here as 76yo mother keeps mobile phone switched off in a drawer 'in case of emergencies'... Hmm

Fast · 10/04/2013 18:14

This reply has been deleted

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MousyMouse · 10/04/2013 18:16

my mother is like that.
I usually wait a bit with calling her. if I don't she will ring up a storm when I have just fallen asleep we least need it.
she also calls every week to get a nosey to catch up on things.
only good thing is that our phone bill is very low as we never call her...

RememberingMyPFEs · 10/04/2013 18:23

My Mum was like that - drove me MAD. Weirdly, now she's gone I miss it...

Curioustiger · 10/04/2013 18:29

There was a great quote about all this in a book I read recently (Capital, John Lanchester) something along the lines of how to the person doing the worrying/fussing, it feels like love; to the person being worried about, it feels like control. Exactly. I try not to do it to my children...

eggs I was just about to post thus quotation too!

EndoplasmicReticulum · 10/04/2013 18:39

Fast - yes, my mum and granny used to do this. Meant you didn't have to pay for the phone call! But as they lived next door to each other they could have equally well bashed on the wall or looked out of the window and waved.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 10/04/2013 18:41

Fast our family used to do "two rings"!

It was when phone calls cost a significant amt of money, and usually to let someone know you were on your way there, so that they knew when to expect you (my parents used to have to travel 15 miles across the city to see each set of GP's, and wrangle 3 children while doing so, and the "two rings" used to mean that the GP's could time the roast dinner properly!)

Although I think they also used to do "two rings" when they got back home to let the GP's know we were all still alive.

2rebecca · 10/04/2013 18:48

I don't ring people unless they need to know eg I'm meeting them. Why should my dad need to know I've arrived on holiday? It's nothing to do with him. I'd tell your parents to stop being so silly about travelling and that you don't phone them every time you drive to work etc and that they're being silly and need to stop fussing.
I wouldn't say I'd phone and not phone, I'd just refuse to phone.
I think phoning every time you drive or travel is complying with the myth that travel is scary and dangerous.
"No, it's just a car journey/ holiday, I'll phone you next week/ send you a postcard...." If you keep behaving like a child you can't complain when your parents treat you like one. Adults don't check in every time they go somewhere.

Original poster
fluffyraggies · 10/04/2013 19:01

I do ''two rings'' when i'm leaving to go pick her up for shopping.

Thank you MN.

If you're like me it isn't just the having to ring your mother, it is bearing the constant burden of her state of anxiety and the negative thinking she brings to everything.

This ^^, and

I agree a text is easy but engaging in a phone call is not so easy, particularly if you know it's going to be made to feel guilty if you hangup without a whole conversation.

This ^ hit the nail on the head for me. A text would be fine to do. Or if it could just be a quick call^.

Been chatting to DH about parents and calling. His mum and dad never expect a call unless something bad has gone on. We go on holls and ring them about a week after we get back. They go away to Cyprus for literally weeks on end and they call maybe once in the middle to say hi.

I do hate the fact that every single time we go away, be it a weekend or two weeks, when i get home i get given a huge guilt trip about how ill she was while i was away, and the disasters that befell her, coupled with a great moan about none of my DCs ''picked up the phone to see if she was alive'' sort of lectures Hmm Every time. I get about 3 seconds air time to talk about the holiday and then she cuts me down with the above for half an hour. I'm not sure she's even aware of the fact that i sometimes dont even bother to start telling her about my trip these days :(

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffyraggies · 10/04/2013 19:03

2rebecca - i know! I mean, we'll probably spend more hours driving around Wales than it will take to drive to Wales. Why would it only be the 'to' or 'from' bit that disaster could strike on!??! Grin

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 10/04/2013 19:11

I'm 37 & my mum's the same.

There are issues there tbf so I just go along with it.

We have a system where I just text 'AP&C' (All Present & Correct) when I get anywhere, and then text when I'm leaving/due back with another AP&C when I get back.

It keeps her happy & nanas I don't have to get into long winded conversations I don't have the time or inclinaition for when I'm in the middle of doing things.