"Ring me when you've arrived or i shall sit here and worry ... and ring me when you know what time you'll be on your way home" AIBU

[fluffyraggies]

... to think NO mother, I wont! FGS

Please, i'm old enough to have a 20 year old daughter and i just want this break away from everything with my DH for our 1st anniversary, in Wales, and not worry about ringing people up every 10 minutes.

It's only 2 hours away. We're only there for 2 bloody nights - we're under heaps of stress right now, and it will all still be here waiting for us when we get back again. We just want to drive away tomorrow and forget about everything for a short time.

Do you all still ring your mothers when you arrive somewhere? Do they do the guilt trip thing if you don't? Am i just being a cow here?

Venting.

[thebody]

Yes 2 minutes to day' I am alive 'should alley anxieties, any more is controlling.

[EggsEggSplat]

thebody - have you ever had help for your anxiety? It sounds like it must really be affecting your life. Were you the same before the crash, or do you think that was the cause?

The thing is, your DDs may appear not to mind, they may even say they don't mind being checked up on, but there is a strong chance that they actually do mind and are trying not to upset you. That's how it works with me and my mother. I avoid telling her about some of my plans, because I know they will make her anxious. My heart sinks when I get the daily 'just checking you are OK' phone call.

I would much rather have a mother I can be honest with about everything I am doing, and one I could happily call for a nice, friendly chat once a week, instead of a daily brief call which makes me feel controlled, and the need to self-censor about my anxiety-provoking plans, eg going out for a drink with friends and walking home by myself after dark (I'm 45 and live in a perfectly safe area).

[EggsEggSplat]

Sorry, meant to add - my mother is 76, and is getting worse about this. I know she is too old to change. But if you could get help with your anxieties now, it might prevent damaging your relationship with your children later on.

[chocoluvva]

My mum was pretty anxious - I had a terrific job persuading her that going to London (from rural Scotland) to stay with my BF's very respectable great aunt for a week when I was nearly 18 and he was newly 18 would be safe. She insisted on phone calls upon my safe return from any journey once I had children too. I'm quite an anxious person too. So I think I do know what it's like - sometimes it's a pain in the neck. But it's not difficult to make a short call.

And it's not nice for the anxious/narcissistic/whatever person either. It's difficult to tell whether the OP's mum is being overly demanding or not IMO. Possibly she is, given that the OP thinks she's going to try to guilt trip her about going away. Nevertheless a 5 min call isn't much to ask IMO.

It's a tricky one.

[aquashiv]

I left home and never looked back for this reason. I never phoned when I hsould I was always late. When I travelled alot and forgot to let her know I was ok.
I think she just one day gave up worrying knowing I would not be dead in a ditch and if I was what could she do.
Poor woman I know I will be her too one day. Worried sick about my babies.
There are some killer in sheep in Wales you know. They come at you when you least expect them.

[badguider]

Those who check in after every journey - how does your mother know every journey you make?
My mum and I catch up about once or twice a week and tell each other what we've been doing but I don't tell her my diary for each week in advance!

[chocoluvva]

:o

It's the sheep! Loads of sheep where I grew up.

LaQueen - my mum and I discussed this when I was in my thirties. We reckoned it was genetic AND conditioning. The thing about anxiety is - it's as if your brain's default setting is to worry. It's not a rational thing. You can know any amount of statistics, but still worry. It's like a reflex. It's a pain for everybody involved.

BUT, in many other ways I feel privileged to have had her for a mum. She was a fantastic person dearly loved by her family and dozens and dozens of friends, a fantastic listener and thoughtful, wise woman. I tried to take the view that nobody's perfect, so I would phone her even though I felt it was unreasonable of her to expect a call.

We don't have enough info from the OP to judge the extent of her mum's worry/narcissim. I can see that it would spoil the weekend having your mum guilt trip you about going away! On the other hand, it's just a quick call.

[thebody]

Eggs yes we all have had counselling and we are where we are.

The kids are further through than me but getting there.

You are right but I honestly know my Dcs are fine with it.

I never discourage them from doing anything and keep lots of this to myself.

[2rebecca]

My mum is dead, but the fact that she gave me so much freedom is one of the things that makes me look back on her with affection. She never made me feel that I must do stuff for her benefit, admittedly when I was younger mobiles weren't around and even phoning from a land line from a foreign country was a palaver, I lived in NZ for over a year and just phoned once and sent lots of letters.
If my dad wanted a phone call every time I was on a motorway he'd be having at least a couple of phonecalls a day, the motorways are the safest part of my journeys anyway as despite the speed people drive more predictably on them and you're less likely to have a head on collision from someone overtaking. Thankfully his only interest in my wherabouts is to check I'm enjoying myself and keeping healthy.
Car journeys just aren't a big deal in my family but a handy way of getting around (although I prefer trains).

[chocoluvva]

Ah - have now read a page I'd missed - OP's mum often tries to do the guilt trip thing.

Very difficult. (My mum NEVER did that!)

No wonder the OP doesn't feel like calling her. OP's mum is not a happy person. I don't really know what to suggest.

[Gay40]

My mum was utterly stifled by all this constant monitoring and vowed she'd never do the same with her children. I think we have a much better relationship than she has with her own mother. I ring her because I want to (sometimes need to!) now that might be once in a fortnight, 3 weeks, or twice in a week. And the same with her. She wouldn't dream of enforcing this three rings nonsense. It is a form of control, whatever spin the worriers put on it. Stressing about travel arrangements and the like is just a way of saying "Youa re not in my control and you should be." As LeQ says, why should you force your anxieties onto your children. Totally selfish. It's not concern at all, it's overbearing control.

[Bunbaker]

"Those who check in after every journey - how does your mother know every journey you make?"

We only ring her when we have been visiting her. She lives 150 miles away so I don't think it is an unreasonable request. I always ring her when OH goes on his travels because she does worry (he visits the far east a lot)

[Gay40]

But that seems even stranger. Surely you drive around when you aren't visiting her? What about the journeying in between visits?
This makes no sense to me.
So you got home OK, well yeah nice good etc. Following day, off you pop to work. And home again.
???????

[chocoluvva]

Some families are more close knit than others, I think. My cousins still live in the same village as their parents and see them several days a week. So do all 3 of my DH's siblings, all of whom are well travelled and have/had successful careers. It's lovely for the children and a practical support for the adults. I saw a lot of my grandparents and loved it.

I'm sometimes quite envious - but not of all the unwanted advice they get from the GPs.

[Bunbaker]

"But that seems even stranger"

To not ring someone after 150 miles of motorway driving? I think it odd not to contact family once home. MIL is 84 and worries about things she doesn't know or understand. I think it is supremely selfish not to put an old lady's mind at rest.

[Gay40]

But that's my point. So she can stop worrying, once you're home. But what about every other time you set foot in the car? Do you ring her?
It's the ludicrous lack of logic I don't get.
Surely she understands that you do actually travel on the road, outside of visiting her, and that most car accidents are within a mile or so of your home. Does she sit and worry 24/7?

Plus: lots of contact does not automatically equal close knit. I'm very close to my mum. But as two adults, I fail to see why we would need to speak every day. We have a life, each.

[Bunbaker]

"But what about every other time you set foot in the car? Do you ring her?"

No, only after we have been staying with her. She doesn't stress about our day to day travels because she doesn't demand to know the minutiae of our daily life as it is completely alien to her own life. There is no point in adding to her worries.

I'm afraid you seem to lack empathy and understanding when it comes to the worries of much older people.

[fluffyraggies]

We survived Wales and we had a lovely time, thank you to those who wished me well Very sweet of you.

Very surprised to find my thread still alive actually. 'To ring or not to ring' is obviously one of those funny, seemingly trivial subjects which for some can actually be the tip of an emotional 'ice-burg'.

I've been nodding and laughing along catching up on the posts. Want to agree with so much that's been said that i cant write it all down!

I can absolutely see why some posters are saying 'just ring her, FGS'. But it's just so loaded. If you haven't got the 'ice-burg' then there is no 'tip' and so it is indeed just a simple phone call, and there wouldn't be a problem.

lequeen you've hit the nail on the head allot here. As have others.

2 things jump out for me to say -
firstly, yes, my eldest drives, and yes i worry about her. BUT i really don't want to burden her with my (mostly unfounded) worries. Plus, i find that getting into a routine of contacting to say you're safe actually breeds worry.

Quick examle: Before we lived together it was romantic for DH and i to text each other when we woke up, and he would also text me again when he had a few moments as he arrived at work. etc, etc. Once we lived together he would still text me as he got to work. (45 min drive) Well it came to pass that it became such a concrete routine that i started to become twitchy if he was late texting. Then the day his phone played up and wouldn't send or receive calls or texts i spent a morning seriously worried sick he'd been in an accident. Ridiculous and unnecessary state of affairs.

We agreed on random texts only after that. Much much more sensible.

The other thing i wanted to say was, as other posters have mentioned, i honestly believe that the call to say we have arrived, the call to say what time we are leaving, etc, is more about being a way of making sure we are keeping her in mind than her really being worried about us. It sounds awful to say it - but it's true.

The thing about 'the less she approves of the trip the more grief you get' is dead true with me also. The first time DH and i got on - horror of decadent horrors A PLANE (4 years ago) - she caused the most temendous uproar while we were away, telling everyone she was dying, and getting a neighbour to drive her to A&E. She made me feel utterly dreadful when i called to say we were home, for leaving her 'at a time like this', and brought the mood down as low as it could go. It turned out though - after me probing at length later about the outcome - that it had been a mild case of cystitis, cured within 24 hours by a few classes of Cysteme.

sigh

[chocoluvva]

I'm glad you had a lovely weekend.

Just thought of a solution to your little problem.......take her with you :o

[nannynick]

I resolved the issue using technology... I use my mobile phone as satnav, so it was easy enough to also run a gps tracker. My mum can log on to the tracker and see the last known point. She has not got used to the fact that sometimes it won't update for a while, due to no signal (or because I've switched it off).
Only use it when travelling to/from her home - 530 miles, so a day (or usually two as I split it with an overnight stay) travel.

No need now to call her to say when I have arrived somewhere.

Not ideal but could you use technology in some way to give her some reassurance - or it would make her worry more?

[Gay40]

It's not that I lack empathy or understanding, but can't you see how illogical the situation is?

And it's not because she's elderly - I know plenty of elderly people who do not need this reassurance about travelling. It's about putting it into perspective.