To want to kill colleague who says 'reach out' instead of 'contact'

[Themobstersknife]

I know I am, but just back from mat leave, the bastard has done a land grab and now I want to kill him, especially when he says crap like this!

alpha, lol. "shelve" = park, put on ice, mothball ...

To be fair, I have worked for some UK-based 'global' companies and they use wankspeak as well even when dealing with each other (but not much 'reaching out' which seems the preserve of the Americans). The continental Europeans also pick it up when they use English. It's catching!

YANBU, although corporate wank speak can have a brightside, years ago I was in a rather dull client meeting with my boss at the time and witnessed the following exchange:

My boss: can you give me a heads up on when the roles will become live?

Client: sorry but I'm not currently in a position to give you head.

I nearly died with the effort required not to laugh.

I used to work for a charity, where our manager always called what was essentially writing things on a flip chart one or more of the below...

'blue sky thinking'
'let's suck it and see'
'a quick and dirty exercise'
'parking some ideas'
'chalk and talk'

I left to become freelance.

What the fuck is "chalk and talk"?

It's writing things on a blackboard, except no-one uses them any more and 'interactive white board pen thingy and talk' doesn't have the same ring.

MrsLyman, that got me howling with laughter

Did the client know what he/she was saying? How did your boss react?

"Show and tell" is one I've come across a few times. I think it means do a presentation but it sounds so primary schoolish.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere

"chalk and talk" Is nothing other than good old fashioned teaching where someone stands up in front of a group and explains something with no other aid than a blackboard (or possibly a whiteboard if they are a bit upmarket)

i once had a manager who used to mix his wankspeak and metaphors up and in meetings would say things like:

'if i can just dive between Koalas legs there for a moment'

'if i just slide in behind Koala'

'straddling koala here...'

WTF. The thing is he was totally oblivious to it and the rest of us had to fake coughing fits to hide the laughter. He would put ads in the national press without letting anyone see or proof read with some really ill advised wording.

We should make one up. All start using it in our workplaces with our best serious face on and see how long it takes to spread round.
I dare you!

Ooo I forgot about "let's suck it and see". Mrs Lyman imagine how that one would have gone down with the client

Oh I hate 'suck it and see' and 'so and so has been fingered for this task' as both sound terribly rude!

To 'table' something OTOH is old-fashioned civil service-style terminology for taking it to a meeting to discuss, often informally, so you can table a paper that wasn't on the agenda.

Good point lottie, I have heard table used in that context, but they actually wanted us to put the idea on hold indefinitely, so they had got their furniture muddled up and really did want to shelve rather than table!

We also have 'hygiene factors' so:

"You must ensure you include A, B, C" "Well of course, they're just hygiene factors, duh"

My friend says it ALL THE TIME when she wants a favour Doesn't make me inclined to oblige at all Sounds so forced.

i must say i even shudder at 'team'. unless your job is footballer or something sport related. I don't work in a 'team' i work in a department. so i hate 'teambuilding' and any version of it.

Low hanging fruit makes me think of testicles. I'm not sure why as I do understand what it means.I also think of monkeys picking the fruit rather than people.

I quite like 'jump the shark' but that's more meeja than corporate.

I have NEVER heard of someone being 'fingered for a task', though find the use of 'tasked' as a verb incredibly irritating.

coming back to this after a busy day - "we're in a holding pattern" means this isn't going to move forward but I can't be arsed to think of a reason why that won't get me or the company in trouble - think being gently turned down for a job, that sort of thing

Another one that sends me spare is "holistic approach" though I will confess that I do sometimes sign off with...

BR

Great idea Hecsy. Please, let's make one up! It might go viral! People SO love to spout nonsense! I once said 'cliff event' in relation to a plan where something dramatically dropped at a moment in time - can't remember what! I said it tongue in cheek, having heard it before in a previous company and within the next week, I heard every one of the people at the meeting where I used it, say it themselves, completely seriously! Knobcheeses!

I used to make some up for DH, my favourite was "let's throw some balls on the court and see how they bounce"

My pet is turning nouns into verbs, e.g. "to architect" which sounds even worse when used in the past tense, or "to deplane" arrgghhhh

Ha ha!! What shall we make up! I will try and get my class of littleys to learn it too, future generations talking wankspeak!!!

Maybe
'Let's lick the stick'
'Can we waft that one in the wind?'

Will think of more!

I think the holding pattern one comes from planes being kept in a holding pattern (ie making circuits away from the runways) when it's really busy at the airport and they can't land, etc.

I live at least 15 miles away from an airport, but the holding patterns are often right overhead.

I have a habit of humming a certain Four Tops song when my boss says to "reach out" to someone. The first time he said it, I did actually ask WTF he was talking about...
DH has been playing the "make up bollocks in a meeting and see how long it takes to be adopted by others" game for quite a while. Some people have wised up to it but he's quite successful with it.

I recommend watching Drop the Dead Donkey for some truly amazing Gus management speak