For £250 is one "thank you" drink too much to ask?

[MarinaIvy]

Not sure if this is AIBU or WWYD or WhoopDeFrickinDoo...

Recently got laser eye surgery. They all do "refer a friend" incentives, so I asked around. One acquaintance sent through a referral voucher, which I used to book my appointment. For this he will get £250. (FTR, the company were good at medical stuff, crap at admin).

Now, I'm the kind of person who would say "thank you for this windfall" by buying my victim friend a drink afterwards, and I plan to when I start referring people. It's just civil, I feel. We work in the same part of town; a drink or a lunch would be geographically convenient. A 6" Subway and a bench in the nearby gardens and chatting about How It Went would have been fine.

During the run-up to the procedure I mentioned lightly he'll certainly be able to afford to buy me a drink afterwards with his £250. The only time he came close to acknowledging was: "oh, the wife has spent it already" or flat-out ignored or played dumb. (BTW, no, it's not because he can't afford it - he earns easily twice what I do, and our partners earn similar to each other.) Didn't hear much from him at all, in fact.

Until I got an email from him on Friday, saying that the company denies all knowledge of the referral: did I use his referral?, and can I please get onto the company to clear this up. My reply was: "as much as I am ready to believe it's [company] screwing up, there's a small, very thirsty part of me that is pondering whether it's just karma giving you a spanking." He replied with yet another "don't know what you mean".

And now I've heard from him again today, chasing! Have I gotten on to the company?!? Sorry to be a pain...

I'm now past wondering (or caring) if I'm ever going to have a pleasant chat with him or even a specific and sincere "thank you for this referral money". And I sure as feck don't want to drag anything out of anybody if they don't want to give it.

I dunno, what do I want? Apart from clarification that this guy is being deliberately thick and IANBU?

Do I want to reply to his email in words that even he can understand that he's been a git? (and, if so, suggestions as to what those words would be).

Do I want to, or or not, fix the admin problem so he gets the stupid £250? What?

OK, to the poster who is wondering if this is a wind-up, you had only to look at my history to see I'm genuine, and have been very nice and supportive to others. On those occasions when I haven't agreed with somebody, either an OP in need of perspective or a subsequent poster, I hope I've at least been courteous.

To those who have fixated on the "drink" concept, it was just a suggestion -yes, flowers or a cheap lunch or whatever could have gone into that subject line (TBH, I would have thought that flowers from a married man to a partnered woman was less appropriate). Seriously, the only reason you didn't read, for instance, "... coffee ..." in that subject line was because I almost never BUY coffee - silly prices!

And I regret that my writing style ("thirsty", for instance) has led some to think I'm odder than I am. I don't think it's worth anybody's time if I were to try to clarify or provide context.

I had already decided not to ask again - if he's keen not to spend any time with me, I don't want to spend time with him. Like, why should I?

But, overall, have taken points on board. I said I was looking for a consensus and this I now have. Many thanks for those who were trying to help.

I literally have no idea what to say.

We know it was an innocent suggestion. But some men have big egos :)

Maybe he's skint and really needs the money for something else.

Marina Did you get a reduced fee for using his referral voucher?

I don't think he's pretending to not know what you mean, I think he genuinely doesn't expect to have someone dropping slightly odd and vaguely confusing hints about being bought a drink. The more you labour the point without actually saying what you want, the odder is must seem to him. I don't think you fancy him, but I can see why he might if you have been as peculiar as your thread seems to suggest.

OK, to the poster who is wondering if this is a wind-up, you had only to look at my history to see I'm genuine

I think that was me: if I can possibly resist it I prefer not to look up a poster's history and try to take each thread on its merits: the only reason I thought this might be a wind up was that it was frankly so weird. I don't doubt for a second that you a really good egg both on and off the boards, albeit you've been giving this poor beknighted laser recommender who has done nothing wrong at all a really hard time.

DoJo, you have made me properly laugh. I am just imagining this slightly bemused man wondering what on earth (the probably very lovely) Marina is on about....karma, spanking, thirsty, etc. All in return for something he hasn't even received yet.

Marina, years ago a colleague stopped his car to let me out of a side turning. Another driver went up the back of him, leaving him with moderate whiplash, and a badly damaged car. I had to endure the outrage of hearing the other driver having a go at my colleague for, "stopping for an effing dolly bird" . My colleague, who was actually more of a friend, got a good couple of grand compo out of it and he took me out for lunch. It was nice of him. I never, ever expected him to though.

No wonder he's baffled. He sends you a voucher, which you asked for, and then you tell him he needs to take you out for a thank you drink. Then there's the thirsty/spanking e mail.

Contact the company and get him his money. Then cut out letters from a newspaper to say you have done so and nail it to his gatepost. Done.

Lol. I have enjoyed reading through this thread. It's bringing much needed entertainment.
IMO and with all due respect to OP yes YABU.
You approached him (only an aquaintence) to begin with, then you expect a reward...also dropping hints to a man never works as, well we all know men in general need clear instructions in 6ft high writing highlighted in red ink.

But isn't it a moot point until he actually sees any money. Otherwise you're just asking him to buy you a drink for no reason?

If you have to do all this extra legwork to get the cash then I think you'd be on more solid ground to expect a drink or flowers etc.

I agree that the OP is being quite odd here. Hints and such like (and not wanting to let it go).

But, if someone had done something that got me a free £250 I would at least offer to take them for a coffee/sandwich or send a catd. It's not at all like getting some tax back (because that really was their money all along). This kind of thing is where someone goes out of their way (only a tiny bit, in that it just involves writing your name on a form or something) and you get money you wouldn't otherwise have gotten. In those situations a small thank you gesture is polite, I would have thought.

The strange hints (which must have been repeated) could never have been a good plan. In this OP's case, I wouldn't have said anything at all but I probably would have thought a bit less of the guy if there had been no thank you. I might have thought even less of him depending on how the email was worded (the OP implies it was a bit demanding, but it might have been much more polite than she suggests), but would just have emailed the company to clarify, cc'ing him in regardless.

I certainly wouldn't have decided to come over like I was unhinged by making odd comments about karma. That's never a good plan, OP. just tell people what the issue is so they can sort it out.

This whole thread has made me chuckle. OP, YABU, you got a discount for using the company it was a mutually beneficial set up. I really don't understand why you're so annoyed at him or why you wouldn't inform the company that you did use the voucher so he can get his end of agreement. If I was him I'd also be very confused and send you a 'I don't know what you mean' reply!

I don't think the OP did get money off for this. Did you, OP?

It seems like she was just looking forward to getting £250 when someone else went on to list her as the person who referred them.

Arbituary - at the beginning OP posted 'We'd discussed beforehand (and it's a truism among the industry) that they're going to charge what they think they can get away with, then "knock £250 off". If I'd spent more time and shopped around and gotten haggle-y with these guys or any others, I probably could have gotten even more off, with or without the referral. In other words, by the time I was doing it, the only advantage we knew was going to happen was that he (who had paid for his years ago) was going to get £250 off.'

I assumed that meant she did get some money off, but I could of read it wrong it's a confusing post!

Note: bonkers here is not intended to imply mental illness or anything else. I mean bonkers in the sense that her behaviour made no sense and was bizarre in the common-or-garden-generally-unreasonable odd person sense. We get lots of that on AIBU.

lotta love the reference to the poor beknighted laser recommender!

OP, YABU. Why on earth do you want a drink from/with this acquaintance? I have referred friends to things before and have never expected, or received, any gifts to say thank you. All very odd but very entertaining. I will be remembering and chuckling at your very cringey thirsty spanky karma email all day!

I really wouldn't be bothered about getting a drink or a sub for giving your friend the chance to save money. I don't think it would even register.

That's what friends are for and IMO you are being very petty!

The repeated attempts to make him to go for a drink with you could be construed as a come on!

The poor man is probably bewildered!

I think the guy thinks you want a cut of the money and that is why he doesn't want to see you. He sounds quite desperate for the cash and probably that is why he is being pushy.

It makes no sense why you would give up getting cheaper surgery just so an acquaintance can get 250 pounds.