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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For £250 is one "thank you" drink too much to ask?

109 replies

MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 16:08

Not sure if this is AIBU or WWYD or WhoopDeFrickinDoo...

Recently got laser eye surgery. They all do "refer a friend" incentives, so I asked around. One acquaintance sent through a referral voucher, which I used to book my appointment. For this he will get £250. (FTR, the company were good at medical stuff, crap at admin).

Now, I'm the kind of person who would say "thank you for this windfall" by buying my victim friend a drink afterwards, and I plan to when I start referring people. It's just civil, I feel. We work in the same part of town; a drink or a lunch would be geographically convenient. A 6" Subway and a bench in the nearby gardens and chatting about How It Went would have been fine.

During the run-up to the procedure I mentioned lightly he'll certainly be able to afford to buy me a drink afterwards with his £250. The only time he came close to acknowledging was: "oh, the wife has spent it already" or flat-out ignored or played dumb. (BTW, no, it's not because he can't afford it - he earns easily twice what I do, and our partners earn similar to each other.) Didn't hear much from him at all, in fact.

Until I got an email from him on Friday, saying that the company denies all knowledge of the referral: did I use his referral?, and can I please get onto the company to clear this up. My reply was: "as much as I am ready to believe it's [company] screwing up, there's a small, very thirsty part of me that is pondering whether it's just karma giving you a spanking." He replied with yet another "don't know what you mean".

And now I've heard from him again today, chasing! Have I gotten on to the company?!? Sorry to be a pain...

I'm now past wondering (or caring) if I'm ever going to have a pleasant chat with him or even a specific and sincere "thank you for this referral money". And I sure as feck don't want to drag anything out of anybody if they don't want to give it.

I dunno, what do I want? Apart from clarification that this guy is being deliberately thick and IANBU?

Do I want to reply to his email in words that even he can understand that he's been a git? (and, if so, suggestions as to what those words would be).

Do I want to, or or not, fix the admin problem so he gets the stupid £250? What?

OP posts:
buggerama · 08/04/2013 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unobtanium · 08/04/2013 16:31

I agree that you are probably coming over as overly forward with this guy. It may sound to him like you are looking for "payment in kind". He is married and not interested!

isshoes · 08/04/2013 16:32

I think you have made him think you fancy him. And I also think calling him a git is ridiculous. He hasn't even had his money yet!

Lottashakingoinon · 08/04/2013 16:33

And, yeah, I did start chasing the company up today (I agree with dontshout). Just haven't bothered mentioning that to him.

Why on earth not? Just what kind of mind games are you playing with him, and more to the point why???

Look, at some point in the future he may (or may not) be £250 better off because of you, and yes it would be nice if he were to acknowledge that (I would settle for a thank you note or a heartfelt and genuine word of thanks, you seem to be after a boho lunch a deux and cosy chat on a park bench) but how can you POSSIBLY be berating/punishing him for not spending money he hasn't yet got?

As others have said this is weird or maybe a windup

CloudsAndTrees · 08/04/2013 16:33

Well, he hasn't actually got anything to thank you for yet, has he? So it seems a bit weird that you are so desperate for this thank you drink. It also seems weird to me that this is the sort of thing you want to do deals with drinks over. It's your eyesight for fucks sake!

MusicalEndorphins · 08/04/2013 16:33

Do I want to, or or not, fix the admin problem so he gets the stupid £250? What?
Of course you do. Don't you want to be the nicest kind of a person that you are able to be? Why would you stand in the way of him receiving the 250 he is entitled to, when you can easily speak up and help him? I know that is what I would do.

Original poster
MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 16:36

Saski, I did ponder that, but it'd be the silliest of reasons. I don't fancy him, or he me, and we do know each other well enough to just have a lunch now and then. We've had some very pleasant, completely non-pervy chats in the past, mainly parenthood stuff.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 08/04/2013 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 08/04/2013 16:36

Oh my goodness you are being weird! All those hints about being thirsty. I'm cringing just reading that. It's not like this is a normal convention that he's ignored, this is one you've made up and now you're dropping all kids of hints. I imagine he's being truthful when he says he doesn't know what you mean and further, I wonder if the mention of the wife is a hint of his own?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/04/2013 16:41

YABU, it's no skin off your nose if he gets referral money. I'd say you owe him a drink for the referral if anything. Glad you're chasing the company; I'd let know though.

Original poster
MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 16:43

ChasedByBees, it's not like I was unaware of the wife before he mentioned her in that email.

And Charl, THANK YOU! I can't stand that kind of alleged morality.

I honestly don't think this is the situation. Well, from my end, anyway. My partner knows all about him, is not bothered or worried. And, let me repeat, don't fancy the guy.

OP posts:
isshoes · 08/04/2013 16:44

Be that as it may, suggesting a drink sounds like a come-on. Especially when you got stroppy with him. I don't think going for a drink would be very appropriate would it? And you don't have a go at someone for not thanking you, unless you are their grandmother and have sent them the annual birthday tenner through the post!

ShatnersBassoon · 08/04/2013 16:45

Why are you so keen to have a drink with the chap?

If a male friend was going on about getting me to take him out for a drink I'd think he was either desperately keen to spend time with me or a skint alcoholic. Either way I'd try to avoid all mention of drinks.

Original poster
MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 16:45

Lottashakin - I was holding off on a reply until the Mumsnet jury was back. Also, frankly, I'm not thrilled with the Friday-now-Monday chasing. I wasn't trying to do mind games. That said, don't care at the moment.

OP posts:
isshoes · 08/04/2013 16:45

I don't think anyone is suggesting you do actually fancy him, but you have made it look as though you do.

Saski · 08/04/2013 16:46

Look if you're simply acquaintances with someone of the opposite sex and you propose to have a drink together, that's going to be interpreted as making a move by most people. It's not controlling!

Completely different scenario if they're actually friends. Note, the OP used the word acquaintance.

Lottashakingoinon · 08/04/2013 16:48

I honestly don't think this is the situation. Well, from my end, anyway. My partner knows all about him, is not bothered or worried. And, let me repeat, don't fancy the guy

I didn't think for one minute that it was, nor would I be throwing my hands up in horror if he were to take you out for a drink and then go down on you by way of saying thank you. What you seem to be ignoring consistently is the fact that he has not eyt received payment do why on earth should he be 'treating' you out of a non existent windfall. You are being ridiculously unreasonable to think that he should let alone nagging hinting about it. How could you possibly think otherwise, or want confirmation that he is being a git and that you are not being unreasonable. Your frigging well are!

Lottashakingoinon · 08/04/2013 16:49

You frigging well are (amongst many other typos!)

2cats2many · 08/04/2013 16:49

Maybe he's not taking you for a drink because doesn't like you.

Original poster
MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 16:50

We used to commute together, until a housemove took him in a different direction, but still work in the same part of town, hence the lunch suggestion. If you'd asked me a few months ago, I would have said "friends". We are still FB friends (but of course this can mean squat). But between the lack of contact since then (apart from this) and this latest episode, I suppose I down-graded it in my posting.

OP posts:
SheepNoisesOff · 08/04/2013 16:51

I think you're both being unreasonable. I think you are being U for going on about the drink, and he is being U for going on about the money.

Years ago I referred a friend to my temp agency and got some M&S vouchers once he had worked for them for two weeks or something. It didn't occur to me to offer him a kickback. And I think I'm pretty generous if I do say so myself.

Solola · 08/04/2013 16:51

But why would you want to have a drink with him? Doesn't sound as though you really like him very much. A note or some flowers as a gesture of thanks from him would be nice (once he's rec'd money, which he hasn't yet) but now you've spoiled that anyway by making an issue out of it.

coppertop · 08/04/2013 16:53

Surely it would be in your best interests anyway to make sure he gets paid for the referral. If you're planning on doing the same thing in the future, what better way to make sure that the company actually sticks to its agreement and pays people who refer a friend?

CharlMascara · 08/04/2013 16:53

Oh come on this is ridiculous, I think as I already stated that YABU in this post.

But so many of you suggesting that Marina is trying to have an affair with this man? Really?

This is AIBU sadly and people will always twist stories to add drama. Probably down to boredom.

SheepNoisesOff · 08/04/2013 16:53

Also, if he got a kickback for referring you, how do you even know that it's really a company that he would recommend? Or if he thought they were just OK, but fancied making 250 quid?