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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For £250 is one "thank you" drink too much to ask?

109 replies

MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 16:08

Not sure if this is AIBU or WWYD or WhoopDeFrickinDoo...

Recently got laser eye surgery. They all do "refer a friend" incentives, so I asked around. One acquaintance sent through a referral voucher, which I used to book my appointment. For this he will get £250. (FTR, the company were good at medical stuff, crap at admin).

Now, I'm the kind of person who would say "thank you for this windfall" by buying my victim friend a drink afterwards, and I plan to when I start referring people. It's just civil, I feel. We work in the same part of town; a drink or a lunch would be geographically convenient. A 6" Subway and a bench in the nearby gardens and chatting about How It Went would have been fine.

During the run-up to the procedure I mentioned lightly he'll certainly be able to afford to buy me a drink afterwards with his £250. The only time he came close to acknowledging was: "oh, the wife has spent it already" or flat-out ignored or played dumb. (BTW, no, it's not because he can't afford it - he earns easily twice what I do, and our partners earn similar to each other.) Didn't hear much from him at all, in fact.

Until I got an email from him on Friday, saying that the company denies all knowledge of the referral: did I use his referral?, and can I please get onto the company to clear this up. My reply was: "as much as I am ready to believe it's [company] screwing up, there's a small, very thirsty part of me that is pondering whether it's just karma giving you a spanking." He replied with yet another "don't know what you mean".

And now I've heard from him again today, chasing! Have I gotten on to the company?!? Sorry to be a pain...

I'm now past wondering (or caring) if I'm ever going to have a pleasant chat with him or even a specific and sincere "thank you for this referral money". And I sure as feck don't want to drag anything out of anybody if they don't want to give it.

I dunno, what do I want? Apart from clarification that this guy is being deliberately thick and IANBU?

Do I want to reply to his email in words that even he can understand that he's been a git? (and, if so, suggestions as to what those words would be).

Do I want to, or or not, fix the admin problem so he gets the stupid £250? What?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 08/04/2013 16:53

No I don't think you should get anything. Why not just refer one of your friends and then you can buy them a drink when you get your £250.

isshoes · 08/04/2013 16:54

OP I think that you have subconsciously decided that a drink would be the appropriate gesture of thanks, and have fixated on that. You have then been pursuing this idea of a drink, when really it's not that you are particularly obsessed with going for a drink with him, you just want to be thanked. Unfortunately it may have come across that you are simply fixated on going for a drink with him.

Lottashakingoinon · 08/04/2013 16:54

Maybe he's not taking you for a drink because doesn't like you.

Arf @ 2 cats.

However this is so simple I am going to say it once more with feeling and then give up:
He is not buying you a drink out of his 'windfall' because as yet the windfall does not exist. If the windfall materialises he may or may not buy you a drink, Big Mac, whatever, but until then you have no occasion to be reflecting on it at all let alone be 'past caring'. You are making something out of less than nothing. But hey, thanks for the entertainment!

ReluctantBeing · 08/04/2013 16:54

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ChasedByBees · 08/04/2013 16:54

Ok, leaving out the fact that the hints are odd, I think it's extremely rude to dictate the terms of someone else's thank you to you.

Original poster

MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 16:57

Thank you, Charl.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 08/04/2013 16:57

Charl: I don't think she wants an affair at all but repeated hints about drinks and thirst could easily be taken the wrong way. I dot think he's done anything wrong here.

Lottashakingoinon · 08/04/2013 17:00

Thank you, Charl.

Alright it's me who's getting obsessed now! This is an absolutely text book example of an OP ignoring the 99% of YABUs and latching onto the one supportive comment (and even Charl said YABU, but was just commenting that people were over dramatising things!)

isshoes · 08/04/2013 17:00

Indeed- as I said I don't think anyone thinks she does fancy him- apart perhaps from him!

Coconutty · 08/04/2013 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 · 08/04/2013 17:01

im a bit baffled.

you want him to thank you, because a third party is supposed to give him a bonus which he hasnt even got and perhaps wont, because the company are denying all knowledge of his referral?

so he hasnt even got the bonus
and you arent giving it to him - the company should be

but you want him to take you for a drink or lunch to say thanks?

i think you are expending far far too much energy on this - you presumably were going to have your eyes done somewhere - so you went on his recommendation.

it just so happens that the company give him a bonus for the referral.
you seem to think he owes you something though, for this.

if you were paying him i would understand it....but you arent, and he hasnt got it yet.

if you are offended that he hasnt offered thanks then just tell him that you are pissed off about it. But unless you had some kind of understanding prior that you would get something out of it too then i cant see what you are complaining about.

Cabrinha · 08/04/2013 17:01

You say you've no interest in pushing someone who doesn't want to... But that's exactly what you've done!
I think you've made it all rather awkward now. I'd drop you off a box of chocolates I think - I wouldn't WANT a drink with you after the weird behaviour!
FWIW, I think manners dictate he should have got you something. But remember he hasn't even got the money yet!!! And you're some weird woman chasing him down. Back off!

Pigsmummy · 08/04/2013 17:04

Just email the company and copy him in. Then he can chase them?

gordyslovesheep · 08/04/2013 17:07

honestly I think yabu and a bit odd

Saski · 08/04/2013 17:31

I don't think Marina is hatching an affair. I think it's quite likely this fellow thinks she is.

flowery · 08/04/2013 17:43

He hasn't been a git and based on your posts I expect he thinks a) you fancy him and b) are a bit bonkers.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/04/2013 17:45

It struck me immediately that he mentioned his wife because he thought you were trying to ask him out tbh.

SoupDragon · 08/04/2013 17:53

It does sound like you are trying to ask him out.

SoupDragon · 08/04/2013 17:56

Stop hassling him to buy you a drink. He doesn't want to so drop it. Why do you want a drink with him? It sounds like it would be stilted, dull and really rather embarrassing.

TBH, if someone kept making snide remarks I wouldn't want to go out for a drink with them either.

pinkyredrose · 08/04/2013 18:12

This reply has been deleted

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 08/04/2013 18:15

Gee whizz. I'll buy you a drink if it'll make you feel better.

CelticPromise · 08/04/2013 18:21

I think YANBU to at least expect a sincere thankyou! I'd buy you a drink if you did it for me. And I would chase you, but politely.

maddening · 08/04/2013 18:26

Did you have the kind of relationship where you often went out for lunch or drinks?

Poor chap probably thinks you're after him :)

HoneyStepMummy · 08/04/2013 18:33

One acquaintance sent through a referral voucher

Se he's an acquaintance, why does he owe you a drink? He did you a favor by giving you a referral.

He replied with yet another "don't know what you mean".

I would say the same thing if you emailed me about spankings and karma.

Original poster

MarinaIvy · 08/04/2013 18:48

Gaaah! Composed a reply to most points but the mobile dead spot ate it.

The main one I want to address, and can't wait til I get to the home wifi is that I wasn't thanking posters for agreeing with me overall, but for not jumping to stupid conclusions.

And thanks for all the offers of drinks! You adorable weirdoes

OP posts:

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