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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She smacked my daughter... WWYD??

744 replies

Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 12:53

In shock, just come home from a soft play place, went with some other mums that I have just started getting to know. DD (4 years old) being unruly - we are going through a phase at the moment, one of the other mums just picked her up and smacked her on her bottom. I was completely stunned - I would never hit a child my own or someone elses... DD in tears i just gathered up DS's stuff took DD and left.

I want to pick her up on it, or call the police or something..... sorry dont have anyone in RL i cant speak to right now so sorry for ranty message im just still stunned!

WWYD?????

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 08/04/2013 15:05

I would call the police. Without hesitation.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 15:07

Im going to have to call them.

I have spoken to DD, she was inconsolable all the way home.

Ive sent the text had a couple of replies about how shocked they were etc.

And yes my DH is military and is currrently away.

OP posts:
frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 15:08

Schro - but people have moments of madness at times of stress and to think everybody is perfect is wrong imo. Ideally we should all be controlled, never hit, never be rude etc, but its not reality.

Life isn't perfect and until we have all been in all situations we don't know how we will react.

But I accept that this is just my opinion and that others will truly believe they would never be capable of hitting or striking out in anger. I have seen very placid people do very nasty things which are totally out of character. One person I know (very anti violence and calm in situations, was extremely violent (ending in prison sentence) to somebody who hurt somebody they loved). Life is full of surprises.

lastnightidreamt · 08/04/2013 15:11

She was totally in the wrong - disgusting behaviour. I would never socialise with her again, and would reply to texts to her and others to that effect. I would also call her and have it out with her. However, I wouldn't call the police.

If it is true that a call to 101 would log an incident that would show up on a CRB, I think that it wrong. It would still be an unproven allegation at that stage. (Not that it is untrue in this situation)

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 08/04/2013 15:11

Frog Shouting could be understandable, punching someone on an escalator isn't, no matter what the situation and the police should always be called, even if it is just to get that person anger management.

Violence should never be ignored.

Moominsarehippos · 08/04/2013 15:12

It left a mark? Are you really sure? My mum used to whack us (we said she had iron hands) and we never had marks left. That sounds a lot worse than it was actually.

I wouldn't call the police. I would speak to her though. Was she worried that her child was in danger of being hurt by yours? Not trying to excuse it, just understand it.

Please don't make it into something scary for your daughter. Explain to her that it is always wrong to,raise your hand to,anyone and this lady

I am shocked that she would hit another child - even of that's how she disciplines her own child. Is she a Brit? I know some mums are a bit 'hands on' and tell me it's what they do 'back home'.

timidviper · 08/04/2013 15:12

The other mother was certainly wrong but I still think calling it assault and involving the police is OTT. Quite frankly, I think they have bigger fish to fry and am shocked that so many of you think this is an ok use of public resources. You also risk whipping this up into even more of an issue and making this woman the victim of the scenario rather than the villain.

Agree with loopyluna about having the chat with your DD. She needs to be reassured that this is not a normal occurrence and she is safe but, by your own admission, she has not responded to previous discipline tactics and she also needs to learn to behave. I am not in favour of hurting children but when my DCs were little (20+ years ago) it was the norm to tap a child on the hand or the leg as a last resort for us and for most of our friends. None of our children are psychologically scarred to my knowledge and if you keep calm about this your DD will be fine.

TerrysNo2 · 08/04/2013 15:12

Clumsy I am not surprised they are shocked, I would not be socialising with anyone who hit another child so it will be interesting if she suffers a backlash from this.

Good luck with speaking to the police, I think you and your DD deserve an independent assessment of this to help you resolve what happened.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 08/04/2013 15:14

Timid What she has done would be classed as assault, it's not just people on here calling it assault.

She also didn't "tap" if she left a mark, that is a hit.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 08/04/2013 15:14

Good luck Clumsy.

sherazade · 08/04/2013 15:14

since there's no going back, I would ring her up and tell her that I wouldn't be mixing with her anymore as a result of her assaulting my daughter. If she was on fb or something I'd publicly shame her so other mums know what she can be capable of.

Icantstopeatinglol · 08/04/2013 15:15

Frog...I know where you're coming from but if I was that adult who had lashed out regardless of the situation I'd fully expect some sort of reaction ie. calling the police/being hit back. Just cos someone is frustrated or has something going on in their life does not mean they shouldn't be punished for their actions surely? I'm sure we all at one point might lash out but to then expect to get away with it is not realistic either.

Moominsarehippos · 08/04/2013 15:15

Posted too soon....
Tell your daughter that this behaviour is wrong, and that this lady was wrong to do this, and that she will never lay a hand on her again, and that you are going to tell her off.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 15:16

omigod... really - she has just sent me a whatsapp message (a group is set up of all mums who attend the get togethers, so she has sent to everyone) saying "Everything ok clumsy? you left a bit sharpish this morning?"

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 15:16

Frog

Yes, we aren't perfect. But if i hit someone I would expect to take responsibilty for that.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 15:16

how to respond?????

OP posts:
shewhowines · 08/04/2013 15:17

Yes but Clumsy - of course she would be upset. She was disciplined in a harsh way that is not usual for her. She will get over it if you make light of it even if it is understandably hard for you . The bigger the fuss you make of it though, the harder it will be for her to move on.

Tell her, the woman was wrong to hit her and that you will be telling the woman that, however make it clear that she should have done as she was told anyway. Do not let her get away with her bad behaviour by deflecting the attention on to this woman.

She will deal with the situation as you show her. Don't escalate it yourself.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 15:17

errr yes we left sharpish after you whacked my dd and left a mark.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 15:18

the nerve!

OP posts:
AllThatGlistens · 08/04/2013 15:18

Do not respond!!! Don't engage with her at all, this woman injured your child.

Call 101 and report it, for goodness sake.

frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 15:18

Schro - I am not saying hitting is acceptable. Just that if the person is truly remorseful and has an explanation it can be dealt with by the people involved. Surely you have done something bad in life and learnt from it and have never done it again because you were so full of remorse?

I think that society relies too much on the police, councils, etc to sort their problems. Big problems yes, but if the people involved can talk it out and can accept the mistake and it wasn't premeditated then I think that is better.

I still think this is a waste of police time until the op talks it through with the woman and has evidence that she still thinks it was acceptable and therefore could do it again. This incident is done and dusted now and cannot be undone. What is important is the risk of the lady doing it again and the op can determine that as well as the police can. By involving the police she is potentially damaging a whole family.

catsmother · 08/04/2013 15:19

shewhowhines

Yes, you're absolutely right - it has affected me more than my son - in the long term, and of course I'll never know what would have happened if I had called the police - whether or not it would have traumatised him more (though as a boy who was obsessed with the police from an early age he'd have probably been non-plussed - beside the point I know).

At the time, he was very upset though, and very shocked - as most people would be if they were suddenly hit. I did keep telling him she was very wrong not to have approached me instead but I also remember him saying "you should call the police" and it was me who pooh-poohed the idea as I wanted to get away.

I think on balance, it would have been better to take the risk of more upset vs him not feeling I'd done enough to deal with that woman properly. You know, most of us spend an age telling our kids it's wrong to hit others - yet when someone hit him I did nothing about it. I feel I was a hypocrite that day.

sherazade · 08/04/2013 15:19

reply to the whatsap so everyone can see it detailing what she did to your child.

shewhowines · 08/04/2013 15:20

I would respond saying that you were upset at her behaviour this morning and then say you will private message her.

You do not need to have this discussion on a public forum but take the opportunity to tell her exactly how unacceptable her behaviour was.

AllThatGlistens · 08/04/2013 15:20

You don't need to reply, everyone saw it anyway! You don't need to escalate it with your DD, simply say that what she did was very wrong and you are going to make sure it won't happen again.

Then you report her.