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AIBU?

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Original poster

She smacked my daughter... WWYD??

744 replies

Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 12:53

In shock, just come home from a soft play place, went with some other mums that I have just started getting to know. DD (4 years old) being unruly - we are going through a phase at the moment, one of the other mums just picked her up and smacked her on her bottom. I was completely stunned - I would never hit a child my own or someone elses... DD in tears i just gathered up DS's stuff took DD and left.

I want to pick her up on it, or call the police or something..... sorry dont have anyone in RL i cant speak to right now so sorry for ranty message im just still stunned!

WWYD?????

OP posts:
youmaycallmeSSP · 08/04/2013 14:46

I think calling the police is ridiculous. If this woman isn't your friend then I wouldn't be socialising with her again. If she is then I'd either be expecting her to come over to explain herself and apologise or I would get on the phone and have an adult conversation about it.

catsmother · 08/04/2013 14:46

Clumsy - regardless of your daughter's behaviour, another adult has no right to physically "chastise" her - AKA assault her. I know you're asking for advice about your daughter's stubborness etc too but really that's a separate issue entirely and has nothing to do with what this woman did.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 14:47

if i could load up the pic i would show you, its a handmark and no my dd is very controlled when it come to her bladder.. and only her bladder!

OP posts:
Paintingrainbowskies · 08/04/2013 14:47

How awful. I agree that you should strongly consider a call to the police. If someone hit me, especially hard enough to mark or to scare me that much I would call the police so it should be the same for children.

Also I think it reaffirms the message to your DD that no one has the right to use physical violence on anyone.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 14:48

i think i need to think about this one.... and i defo wont be criticsing or bitching about the other mom. i am going to send the thank you text and just say how shocked i was and stunned DD was.

OP posts:
HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 08/04/2013 14:48

Why not call 101 and ask for advice, see what they could do. And then make a decision on whether to take things further?

shewhowines · 08/04/2013 14:49

carsmother

But it affected you far more than your DS.

Would calling the police have really achieved any more than making you feel better?
The police being involved could well have traumatised your DS far more than it would have done by just telling him it was wrong and allowing him to move on and not making an issue of it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:49

Clumsy

Is your DH in the military?

frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 14:51

Well if you are that sure then I would certainly talk to the woman who did it, and also the group of friends making it quite clear how upset I was and how angry it had made me.

But I still wouldn't call the police personally. I would consider that an over-reaction.

mummytime · 08/04/2013 14:52

To the person who said calling the police is ridiculous: Would you have said calling the police when my husband was punched on the Escalators on the tube in London was ridiculous? Both actions are "assualts", and so a criminal offence. Yes the police are unlikely to do more than have a word with this woman (and keep a record). But at least it will be on record, and this woman may think about her actions.

It was totally unacceptible. Legally in this country smacking your own child "as long as you don't leave a red mark" is legal. Hitting other people whatever their age is wrong, as is any time you leave a red mark. The only defence is protection, eg. I might leave a red mark on a child's wrist if I grab them quickly to stop them running in fornt of a lorry.

lysteddy · 08/04/2013 14:52

I dont think the fact that it left a mark has anything to do with it.

The thing about leaving marks is that if the childs skin colour is light then surely a mark is left. What if the child was black, a mark probably would not have been left.

I agree with flamin "she has no right to physically assault someonelses child".

So u need to do something about it.

loopyluna · 08/04/2013 14:53

I was in the "calling the police is ott" camp, right until you said your DD wer herself and has a mark, a handmark ffs, on her!
A tap on the bum would have been out if order and I would have reacted like you and proceeded to never speak to the woman again.
A slap that hard actually is assault and I think it would be reasonable for you to call the police.

More importantly though (imo) is to forget the woman for a moment and have a chat with DD to explain a. her behaviour at soft play was wrong and she should not have disobeyed you and gone back to the car BUT b. the other mummy was wrong to hurt her and grown ups are not allowed to hit children. (Actually, no one is allowed to hit!)

AllThatGlistens · 08/04/2013 14:53

A hand mark was left on her and she wet herself, and you're not going to call 101??

I can imagine the responses if it had been an adult that was hit Hmm

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 08/04/2013 14:56

Please call 101. It's not just your child at risk, if she's fine to do this to yours then she will probably be fine doing it to other kids. That could cause real problems for a child who couldn't handle it.

I also think you need to show your DD that you will protect her, FGS this woman hit her so hard it left a mark and she wet herself. That's ridiculous (and would be no matter how hard she hit her).

I also never understand why it is deemed okay to smack a childs bottom yet we teach them that this is a private part and should not be touched. Hmm

BlueberryHill · 08/04/2013 14:57

Clumsy, children do go through phases of being more challenging, DS1 was going through one for a bit, seems to be out of it now. I have three children and find it difficult to keep an eye on them. I also have a DN who can be very challenging, very defiant at times but is also a lovely child. He seems to be coming out of it at present, his parents are strict with him, it is just his personality he is very decided about things. In the future, perseverance in his career or sport it will hold him in good stead.

I find when DS1 (6 yo) is challenging it can get into a head butting phase where all I seem to say is no, don't do that etc. I try to turn it around, bad behaviour is not tolerated but I find something that he is doing well, playing with his siblings or eating quietly in a restaurant and praise him or take time out to do something special with him.

I think your text to the other mums sounds fine, not sure how to handle the other mum, she sounds very judgey and would probably be very defensive and turn it back on your daughter, when she is the adult and should never have hit your child.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:58

True Schro.

frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 14:59

Mummytime - although I didn't say calling the police was ridiculous, I am of the opinion it is OTT. I will therefore try to explain my logic.

With regard your husband and calling the police when he was thumped on the escalator, it depends on the circumstances as to whether or not I think it was appropriate.

If the peson doing the thumping calculated it and did it in a pre-meditated way then yes, I would call the police. If they were having a really crap day (wife in hospital, late for work etc) and your husband was deliberately being awkward and standing on the walking side of the escalator, blocking them trying to get through and they punched him out of frustration and a moment of madness, but then apologised and were horrified at their behaviour, gave an explanation etc, then no I wouldn't have called the police and would consider that inappropriate.

People cant be perfect all of the time - imo it is the thoughts behind behaviour that decide on the punishment.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:59

Clumsy

Try reading Playful Parenting

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 08/04/2013 15:00

Frog Neither of those situations are acceptable. An adult should be able to control themselves and not strike out. I could maybe understand shouting but hitting is never okay (unless in actual self defence).

Chocoflump · 08/04/2013 15:01

Oh clumsy, what an awful situation.

How dare that woman hurt your poor child. Call 101. She had no right to do that. Also ring the soft play area- they will want to log incidents like this (I used to be manageress in one)

Yes your DD was misbehaving but loads of kids do in soft play areas, it certainly did not warrant a slap from another mother. No child deserves that.

Has your DD mentioned it since? Have u spoke to her about it?

freddy05 · 08/04/2013 15:01

If you slapped an adults bottom you wouldn't only be done for assault it would be sexual assault and leaving a mark is really not ok!

I said earlier that I'd give the same protection to my child as I would to myself and I stick with that, I would call the police if someone assaulted me, your daughter is too young to protect herself so it is your responsibility to protect her therefore you need to ring the police. Enforcing the law and protecting the vulnerable is what they are there for.

Wannabestepfordwife · 08/04/2013 15:01

Op if I was one of the other mums and had witnessed a friend hit a child hard enough to leave a mark and wet herself I think our friendship would be fizzling out

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 15:02

Frog

I getbwhat you are saying. But in those circumstances, her husband has the abilitybto make a judgment for himself about whthervhe wants to accept those mitigating circumstances.

A child cannot do that. A child is just hurt and humiliated.

hardboiledpossum · 08/04/2013 15:02

I really think you should call 101 and log this as an incident. You don't have to press charges. But if this is logged it should show up on an enhanced CRB. I wouldn't want this woman working with vulnerable people.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 08/04/2013 15:04

"I really think you should call 101 and log this as an incident. You don't have to press charges. But if this is logged it should show up on an enhanced CRB. I wouldn't want this woman working with vulnerable people."

^^ That.

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