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AIBU?

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Original poster

She smacked my daughter... WWYD??

744 replies

Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 12:53

In shock, just come home from a soft play place, went with some other mums that I have just started getting to know. DD (4 years old) being unruly - we are going through a phase at the moment, one of the other mums just picked her up and smacked her on her bottom. I was completely stunned - I would never hit a child my own or someone elses... DD in tears i just gathered up DS's stuff took DD and left.

I want to pick her up on it, or call the police or something..... sorry dont have anyone in RL i cant speak to right now so sorry for ranty message im just still stunned!

WWYD?????

OP posts:
flaminhoopsaloolah · 08/04/2013 14:29

Jesus!!!! I honestly don't know what to say OP. Unbelievable. I couldn't even think about contemplating for one second hitting someone else's child. Appalling behaviour.

frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 14:30

ps. the marks could have been from the soft play surely?

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 14:30

The general jist of the texts has been - wtf?, you/dd ok? what the hell was that all about - the womans a loon etc but i dont know them well enough to confidently respond. I feel like im now the weak mom who has let her kid be in that position. Also, i think i would have been the person to follow the person in my situation out to make sure she was ok but no one came. They have all known each other a lot longer....

OP posts:
LovePickles · 08/04/2013 14:30

Clumsyoaf of course she is, she's been humiliated. Wouldn't blame her if she has problems feeling safe around strangers now, if so called friend give her a stinging smack for the slightest thing.

defineme · 08/04/2013 14:30

I retract my post. Now you've said it's left a mark I think 101 is justified. Do you have the other women's details? Anyway of getting them?

TerrysNo2 · 08/04/2013 14:31

Clumsy if you don't do something more than sending a text now, I think you won't be sending a strong enough message that what she did was very very wrong.

IMO you need to all the police and report it because what she did was not ok at all.

I am so sorry for you and your DD that she put you in this position. Angry

Be strong and know that you are totally in the right.

JenaiMorris · 08/04/2013 14:31

It would be worth calling the non-emergency number. I like to think that a PCSO might pop round to hers to point out that you cannot go around smacking other people's children.

It is an odd thing to do.

MadameJosephine · 08/04/2013 14:32

Oh god, poor little thing. I would be bloody furious if someone had actually left a mark on my child and made her wet herself.

I can see other's points of view with what might constitute an assault but surely this update from OP makes it a clear cut case? Her DD must have been terrified and humiliated

AnonymousBird · 08/04/2013 14:33

I cannot imagine smacking another person's child, or my own for that matter.

I once had to physically pick up and move a little girl who was not mine but who was in my sole care and who was refusing to move and we needed to move (because I had to take her somewhere to meet her dad!) and I was utterly terrified even at simply lifting her to get her to the front door!! I tried every trick in the book to get her to move without touching her so it was a last resort to physically move her when she did not want to be moved.... I was worried sick about it all that day afterwards.

OP - do you think the mother in question is the type of person who is now utterly mortified at her actions?? Maybe some of your other friends who stayed on after you left can say whether she said or did anything to suggest that she realised she had done something very wrong?? Not that that makes any difference to the fact that she did it, but it might mean that she is expecting a firm word from you... in which case I think you definitely say something to her about this being totally unacceptable but you DON'T go to the police.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 14:33

when i said tugging - i meant they were embroiled in a tug of war over the toy. DD had the door the other dc had a handle on the underside of the roof and they were both pulling and screaming... she didnt physcially tug him off (not that she wouldnt but on this ocassion....)

frogwatcher, I am really open to any advice in reference to her behaviour - she is very opiniated and will not be swayed.

OP posts:
TerrysNo2 · 08/04/2013 14:34

Also clumsy I think calling the police and letting them deal with a stern reproach is a much more grown up way of dealing with it rather than shouting at her in front of all those children at soft play.

I would also sit your DD down and explain to her exactly what you have done so she knows that you are a good grown up and deal with things properly! Your DD is probably very confused about what happened and I think you need to discuss it with her.

flaminhoopsaloolah · 08/04/2013 14:34

I'd also call the police - she has no right to physically assault someone else's child - at all.

OnwardBound · 08/04/2013 14:36

I think this thread also highlights another issue re soft play places.

Ever so often there are these threads were people complain that a child who is making a nuisance of themselves and receiving inadequate supervision from their parent.

Yes, I suspect that some parents may use soft play as an opportunity to sit down with a coffee and their iphone and leave their little darlings to run havoc unsupervised.

But it may also be that child's parent has more than the one child and is otherwise occupied.

I well remember the horror of having a baby in nappies and a toddler/pre-schooler at soft play.

Having to constantly be two places in once or be trying to deal with tantrum of older child whilst baby chooses to fill it's nappy or have a screaming fit for more milk at the same time.

Ah happy days.

So perhaps don't be so quick to assume that parent is careless, oblivious or incompetent.

Perhaps they are overwhelmed and only have one pair of hands.

DeskPlanner · 08/04/2013 14:36

Please ring 101, she has marked your daughter, she has broken the law. She needs the police to knock on her door and humiliating her, see how she likes it.

Altinkum · 08/04/2013 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewhowines · 08/04/2013 14:40

But the friends did care enough to check up on you and validate your feelings/action.

I would imagine they made their feelings known to her, and even if they didn't they will view her differently from now on. She will be the loser in the long run.

I would text back thanking them all for their support, as you really needed it, because you are so upset about it all. You never know, you may get to know them much better because of it. Keep the moral high ground though and don't bitch too much about the woman even though she deserves it

frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 14:40

Clumsy - I have no idea re her behaviour. Its hard enough bringing up my dc and in no way are they perfect (far from it), and I am sure you do a better job than me.
However, I think I am a fairly laid back person and people say I am good at seeing both sides of stories and I just wonder if the woman would now be mortified, and I know personally that some children just really drive me nuts. I just wonder if your dd's behaviour was worse than you realise but realistically only you know.
You could ask the people in the group who were there what they think? They will have seen it all - ask them if your dd was particuarly challenging, and if in their opinion, the lady should have the police speak to her. You may be surprised by their answers - they may be fully supportive of you.

DeskPlanner · 08/04/2013 14:41

Your poor daughter was so shocked and scared she wet herself, please call 101. This woman needs to learn that what she did was very wrong and illegal. I wonder how she treats her own dc. She also needs to control her temper.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 08/04/2013 14:41

gentle discipline is very effective OP.

I still think you should call the police.

SmellieWellies · 08/04/2013 14:42

yes, and also, if they know you are thinking about the police, that alone (if you do not follow through on it) might make her reflect on her beahaviour.

Thanks

what a situation. I feel for you, and your poor DD

catsmother · 08/04/2013 14:42

Clumsy - as I said, I've been there. When I read your post it bought it all back, together with that sickening feeling of failing your child. It was 12 years ago and it's still something I feel very guilty about. Ironically, my then 9 year old is now a police officer himself and when that incident came up a while ago as a follow on to some similar topic, as in "do you remember when ..." he did actually say that the police would have taken such a thing seriously. At the very least, that woman would have almost certainly got a strong warning.

In all honesty, I think it's remained on my mind far more than it did on DS and he certainly wasn't traumatised by it. All I can say is that it made me feel very bad for years after - as you can tell. I so wish I'd called the police that day - there were plenty of other people around - as there were with you - and even if they'd written me off as an over protective mother at least I wouldn't have felt so guilty as I'd have done everything I could. Guess I feel so bad as if another adult had hit me I'd have almost certainly called the police then .... I didn't because I was upset anyway, about to burst into tears myself and have a recollection of thinking that by the time they got there the old bag would probably have disappeared. That's not the case for you as you know who this woman is - if the other people there have been contacting you about it it shows that they too were shocked and that this isn't trivial.

If I could turn back time I'd call the police - and I could at least say to my son that without doubt the woman who hit him was very wrong and I'd done all I could.

Original poster
Clumsyoaf · 08/04/2013 14:44

I dont think she would think she did anything wrong, she is incredibly vocal and very judgey.....

She has been quite critical from what i have seen of her some egs:

eugh i wouldnt eat at pizza hut if i was starving... (the buffet is all i need on a fat day!)

what, you really didnt buy DS a new pram???? you used DDs?? but the germs and everything and they only cost a couple of hundred pounds Hmm

well people in the military shouldnt have children... Hmm

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 08/04/2013 14:44

Op it was enough to leave a mark and scare you dd so much she. Wet herself of course you need to report it

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 08/04/2013 14:45

OP

I sense you are worn down by her a bit. My DS 2 was boisterous and downright aggressive at times. Soft playnwas a terribly over stimulating environment for him and we stopped going. As someone said, sibling rivalry be playing a part in your DD s behaviour at the moment.

Chin up

But don't let any of that cloud the fact that this was completely unacceptable.

frogwatcher1 · 08/04/2013 14:45

Are you 100% sure that 1. the marks were from the lady hitting her and not from the soft play, and 2. She wet herself due to being slapped and not from running around and playing and therefore would have been damp anyway.

My dd (older than yours) always wets herself at soft play or on the trampoline and often has marks, bruises etc that can't be accounted for.

Maybe both were caused by the slap but I do think that it is very easy to get carried away when people are encouraging a specific form of action. You need to, in your own mind, be sure of what you do and be happy and confident with it.

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